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Is Group Sex a Bad Idea?
Two sets of strangers open up about whether or not they think group sex is a good idea.
More about this episode
A Conversation on Group Sex
Justin Lehmiller conducted a study that included more than 4,000 participants ages 18 to 87 and represented all sexual and gender identities and all 50 states. This study, published in his book "Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life," presented revelatory data on our collective sexual fantasizes.
The study revealed that, "the single most popular sexual fantasy among Americans today is—drum roll, please—group sex." Specifically, 95% of men and 87% of women admitted they have had a fantasy about group sex.
However, just because someone is interested in something, it doesn't necessarily mean they're engaging in that activity. Approximately one-third of Americans actually act out their sexual fantasies. This could be, in large part, due to stigma, fear, or even complicated logistics. Whatever you decide, have fun and be safe.
Transcript
udy: Opinions, we all have them, especially when it comes to love and sex. So what happens when two people who've never met get to share their opinions in an open and honest conversation? Maybe they learn something about the other person and maybe they learn something about themselves. I'm Dr. Judy, and this is Well, In My Opinion.
Today we're asking the question Is group sex a bad idea?
Should you try group sex? I think so. Why not? Life is so short. I've had group sex. I've had group sex at a very young age, but consensual. I'm happy I did. I think that if you are comfortable with it and you know you're safe…
I feel it makes sex less taboo.
There's such a taboo-esque cloud over sex still, and it's crazy because like, we all are here because our parents, like, fucked. You know what I mean?
I think it's good for the mind and soul as well, too, because of, you know, as my experiences of being younger and older since I now fall in both categories, the feelings I had back when I was younger, the, you know, the possessive feelings, the want to look through your phone feelings, you know…
It kind of diminishes as you get older.
Yeah, but your pathway has to with roughly how much sex that you're having.
Are you single now?
No.
Do you like hook up with other people even though you're in this relationship?
Sure.
OK, so I told one of my friends I was like, I want to have a threesome with you and some other guy like, find him. And then he found the guy. And then we had the threesome. In the gay world is completely normal to have group sex there, there's circuit parties. I mean, there's clubs in West Hollywood where you can literally have sex in a dark room and like, you know…
We have mansions in San Diego.
Yeah, exactly, exactly. I think sex in general is kind of like this usually like whenever it's brought up in, like in this situation, we're being so free and open about it. It's not weird. We're not cringing. And if people can look at sex and, you know, sex health in this light, I feel like, you know, not only cannot just be a safer pool for everybody to swim in, but it'll be a healthier one as well. And it won't be a taboo ocean.
I'm fine. With me, it's just easy because I don't give a shit. I tell people how I feel, no matter what, you know. So it's just those kind of fun.
Yeah, I agree with you. I'm right there with you on that. But some people, as you know, don't think the same way as us. Some people are afraid, and some people don't like to even mention the word sex.
You try to talk to someone else about a threesome. They're like, "What?"
We talk about it and it's like, you know, cereal to you and I. Because we're not so [tense gesture] about it. But when I was younger and I hadn't experienced it and I had other people around me telling me what is wrong and right, I was [same tense gesture] about it. So, it's funny that you said that, because like you and I, in our dynamic right now, it's great. It's chill.
But if I were to go to like a stranger or someone in a different state and just bring up casually that I took two dicks one time or had a threesome or had a very colorful sexual life, they might be like, "Stay away from my kid. He is inappropriate. He is very outspoken. He's trashy." And that's sort of the stigmas that we need to put out in the fire of taboo-ness of sex. You can quote me on that.
It turns out that interest in group sex does break down along gender lines. 81% of males expressed interest in having a threesome, compared to only 31% of females in the same age range. But just because someone's interested in something, it doesn't necessarily mean they're engaging in that activity.
I'm a big advocate for a good threesome. I can't lie. I think that that really brings people together. No cap.
Have you had threesomes before?
Yeah.
With guys, you were super into?
Yeah.
And you didn't feel jealous?
No. I'm not sure why.
What does it bring? What does it change?
Just like excitement. It's like something to look forward to for him. I like the idea of being able to like, turn them on.
It's like another weapon in the arsenal of keeping your sex interesting and hot.
But you know what? I did have a threesome with a girlfriend of mine. Not that I was dating, like a homie. She liked the guy, and was like, "Oh no, I don't like him." Then it happened like one time… two times… three times, and she was like, "Fuck you, I hate you!" I was like, [shocked face]. And she still hates me.
She liked him. And we were best friends, so I was constantly pressing her like, "Yo, just tell me," so like, to me, it was just fun. But to her, it was like, she had feelings for this guy for like a year. I didn't even know that. And then all of a sudden, it's just like a complicated monster. And I'm like, Damn, I thought we were all having a good time, and it was all bad after that. So my experience with not relationships and having threesomes is bad, but in a relationship, having a threesome is good for some reason.
Well, I'm a Leo, so I don't really like to share the attention. I really want it all for myself.
Ohh, you guys are jealous, huh?
I don't… I'm not a good sharer in bed at all, but I've dabbled. I tried threesomes. They were fine. Try everything once, twice to be sure. But I think it's like anything. You have to have good communication, and if it's like somebody that you care about, you have to be really secure in that relationship to be like, "OK, you can't do this and you can't do that."
And that's true too, there's gotta be rules.
You know, because I have some boundaries, right? You can only hook up with that person with me. There's no like side hooking up.
If you're fucking when I'm not here, it's not chill, babe.
But yeah, I know people that have like…
Swingers.
Or open marriages. But they don't do threesomes. They're like, the guy has his side thing and the girl has her side thing and they don't want to mix up. Yeah, I don't know. Different strokes for different folks.
That's a fact, honestly. That's a fact, honestly.
At the end of the day, you have to know yourself.
I love sharing. I guess. I don't know. I'm not a very jealous [person]..
You're so much nicer than me.
That is not true at all. You're super [nice]. Honestly, I have had this conversation with two girlfriends of mine and they're like, "You're wack." Like, "You're crazy for doing that."
Really?
Yeah, because they think that is kind of like me. Not being jealous is a diss to my man because I'm not being protective. But to me, I'm like, "Yo, I want to give him open freedom to feel, let his freak flag fly and I want to feel the same thing for me." And I'm not a very jealous person for some reason. I'm not sure why. I just… I like to think if I'm dating someone, and I'm open enough to tell them we should have a threesome, that they know how I am and they should understand that it's all love.
All the time guys will be like, "Let's have a threesome," and I'm always like, "Cool, except for… we can have a guy, too." And the guys are always like, "Oh, no, never mind." Like, the fastest way to shut down a guy wanting you to have a threesome is to go like, "Okay, but it goes both ways." And they're like, "Never mind, I don't want to. It's cool. We don't have to do that." Which I don't think is right. I think if you're asking somebody to stretch outside, they should be comfortable and want to make you happy and to bring you pleasure. If they want something that's a little uncomfortable for you, you should be… you should man up.
Especially if you care about them and you're in a relationship that you care about. I don't like that personally, but I know a lot of girls that are like, "I'll have a threesome with another girl, if we have a threesome with another guy. Or like, you watch me with another guy." And like, I'm not into that personally, but everyone's got their own little freaky course. And I think, you know, if you were willing to go one way, absolutely like you said, it's fair going the other way.
What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
I've never heard that expression.
Really?
Yeah, but I like it!
Oh, well, how old are you?
23.
Oh, so just a baby.
I think while a lot of people might imagine that group sex might be interesting and might be a fantasy of theirs, when it comes to the logistics, people who have had group sex have told me that it's been exhausting trying to manage everyone's preferences and making sure everybody's happy.
I'm Dr. Judy, and this has been Well, In My Opinion.
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