The Threesome: When One More Isn’t a Crowd

Threesomes, three-ways, ménage à trois—whatever you call it, adding a third to your play is a common desire for both men and women. But what’s the truth behind the fantasy? What are the risks, and do they outweigh the benefits?

In a 2018 survey involving more than 4,000 Americans, 87 percent of women and 95 percent of men admitted they had fantasized about sex with multiple partners. However, a 2017 study reported that 18 percent of men and only 10 percent of women had actually engaged in a threesome.

But here’s where it gets interesting: This same study also reported that only 22 percent of men and 9 percent of women said a threesome was mildly appealing, and just 12 percent and 2.5 percent, respectively, very appealing.

So, is this the kind of fantasy that most people don’t want to come true? Or are people concerned that the risks may counter the benefits?

Benefits of a threesome

Three-ways offer many benefits: spicing up a sex life, deepening trust and ties between partners, and bringing fantasies to life. They’re erotic and “naughty.” The forbidden aspect can be pretty hot. So can watching your partner with someone else.

Boundaries may be pushed, opening up a whole new world of sexual exploration, and all without (technically) cheating.

Something you might not have considered is how your body confidence can be bolstered by seeing other people with average bodies like your own, naked. It’s exciting, makes for a great story to tell your grandchildren (kidding, please don’t) and, ideally, is fun.

Engaging in threesomes also means you’ll never be left wondering “What if…?”

Risks of a threesome

If threesomes were completely free of physical and emotional risks, more people probably would be having them.

Many people do find three-ways to be a turn-on; however, seeing one’s partner pleasuring and being pleasured by another person, regardless of gender, can backfire. You might feel jealous, angry, resentful, betrayed, self-conscious or unloved.

Even if you’re the third person joining a couple, or if all three people are non-partnered, sex in which all eyes and hands are not on you could make you feel left out. You might also think the situation is OK in the short term, but resentment could well be a problem later on.

For someone not in a relationship, three-ways still pose risks of emotional harm. For example, what if it becomes more than casual for you and you develop feelings for one of the others? What if the couple decides they’re “just not into you” and want to stop halfway through? Either of the above could leave you feeling left out and with difficult feelings to overcome.

And then there’s safety. Having a threesome with people you know, like friends or exes, could cause awkwardness, but at least you’re with people you trust. But what if the third participant is a stranger from a dating platform or somebody you hooked up with at a bar? How can you be sure they’re STD-free or, worse, that they won’t cause you harm?

Discuss it with your partner

If you’re in a long-term relationship and are thinking about a threesome, consider first how it might affect you, your mental health and your self-esteem. Would you struggle with jealousy or feel upset after the fun? Would you be comfortable seeing your partner with someone of the opposite gender from you? What about the same gender?

Talk honestly and openly with your partner, but don’t expect them to be comfortable with your fantasy and fall in with your plans. They may not want to have a three-way at all or desire the kind of sex you’re hoping to have.

If they are interested, make sure you’re both on exactly the same page and that there’s no misconception on either side. Choose a third person together, someone you’re both comfortable with and excited about.

At the end of the day, no matter how exciting a ménage à trois might be, it’s likely to be just an hour or two of sexual thrills. That may not be worth ruining a happy relationship if you’re both not ready for the consequences.

But if you’re communicating, and you’re both in it together, this could be the best event to ever happen in your sex life.