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Dating And Relationships - Overview | February 15, 2021, 6:38 CST

How to Tell Your Partner What You Want in the Bedroom

Communication about your sexual needs can lead to a more fulfilling and engaging partnership.
Holly Ellis

Written by

Holly Ellis

Talking about sex can be awkward, true, but it’s even more awkward to have sex with someone who seems completely clueless about what you need. Fortunately, communicating your bedroom needs and wants can be as easy as initiating a conversation, asking the right questions and listening.

When you can honestly discuss your sexual needs with your partner, you’ll find a new level of intimacy. I certainly did.

These necessary conversations will not only bring you closer to your partner, they’ll also make your partner feel confident in helping you achieve orgasm. And that’s never a bad thing.

Learn how to discuss your needs in the bedroom at any stage in your relationship.

Start talking early

Conversations about your needs and wants should start at the very beginning of a sexual relationship.

We tell a new partner a lot about ourselves during the get-to-know-each-other stage, but for some reason we stop before we get to our needs in the bedroom. Unfortunately, women sometimes don’t feel comfortable expressing their sexual needs, because a lot of women have been culturally or socially conditioned to be modest and put the needs of others before their own.

I certainly felt this way. However, I took the plunge and found that the most difficult part was simply starting the conversation. Once I opened up, my partner hung on my every word, and he was as interested in telling me about his needs as he was to learn about mine.

Just remember to be honest and focus the conversation on what you like, rather than what your partner might be doing wrong. Baby steps.

Start with small matters

Start with the little things, such as your favorite types of foreplay. And start thinking of sexual conversations as foreplay to the big show. I started out simply with how I like to be kissed and what gets me aroused, because I knew that some of my more adventurous fantasies might be a lot for my partner to process from the get-go.

Just like everything else in a relationship, this is an ongoing conversation that will evolve with time, one step at a time.

In fact, I have to say that simply talking about sex, in itself, is a great foreplay technique. Telling your partner what you like can help both of you get aroused. Best-case scenario: the conversation gets cut short because you’re ready to dive in!

Build up to the kink

Once you get past those little details, you may want to let your partner in on your less-vanilla needs.

The right time to do this will be different for every couple. The best way to judge whether your partner is ready to take the conversation to the kink level is to simply ask them if they have any fantasies.

If your partner denies having fantasies, that’s OK. It might mean they’re nervous about being judged or about where the conversation is headed. Offer a tame fantasy or kink as a conversation starter—perhaps that you like to wear a blindfold. The key is to give your partner a chance to imagine you in this fantasy.

I had a conversation with my partner about roleplaying, for example, and I’m glad I did. A deeper level of trust and understanding opened up between us, and our connection has never been so fluid and expressive.

Communicating my needs and building up to my deepest desires has been one of the most freeing experiences in my marriage, and it’s an ongoing process of exploration.

Never let the conversation end

Talking about sex should be as deep and enriching as any other meaningful conversation you have with your partner. Don’t let social conditioning stop you from telling your partner what you want in the bedroom. Have meaningful conversations about sex, your needs and your fantasies, because sharing a life with your partner should include adventurous and fulfilling sex for both of you.

Holly Ellis

Written by

Holly Ellis