How to Talk About Dirty Talk: 3 Easy Steps

The ability to talk dirty comes naturally to some, but the idea just seems silly or improper to others. Dirty talk can be a big hurdle early in relationships, especially in the age of online dating and text-based icebreakers when audio and visual cues can be missed, or worse still, misinterpreted.

How do you know when, let alone how, to talk dirty? And how do you interpret the cues correctly so your words will be appropriate?

If you’re asking yourself these types of questions, try breaking the process down into these three simple steps, and maybe you’ll find your answers.

Talking about talking

Sex and language are both highly personal aspects of the human experience. Some people have an easier time talking about sex than others, but if you’re at all interested in having sex, it definitely helps to be able to discuss the subject.

However, don’t be too eager to address sex explicitly with someone new in your life. Practice adapting your language to fit more closely to your partner’s patterns by talking about more innocuous subjects. Observe how they use and interact with language around topics they find interesting.

When the time is right—and determining that can be difficult—bring up sex directly and respectfully. Leaning too much on subtlety and innuendo can soon become a tiresome exercise for either participant in a conversation like this, but have patience.

When something of a sexual nature does come up in conversation, it can sometimes feel intimidating to share your thoughts. A novel solution might be to simply ask for permission. Tell the person you want to respect their limits and comfort level, but be honest about wanting to talk vulnerably and openly about sex. You may be surprised at how well this kind of conscientious boldness is received.

Talking about bodies

When you start talking about sex, the topic of the human body and its various parts inevitably comes up. This is where many people stumble. Not everyone has practiced talking about their own body, especially in terms of how it reacts to pleasure and passion.

Most of us have a colloquial relationship with sexual subjects that is informed by everything from the “talk” with mom or dad, to outdated and boring textbooks from school, to visits to online pornography.

While knowing the technical name for each part of the human anatomy may have academic and professional benefits, the scientific terms for human appendages and genitalia tend to fall short in terms of activating the imagination for sexual creativity.

That said, many people find the language used in a lot of commercial pornography and pop media offensive at worst and dull at best. The goal is all about asking questions and establishing consent for the type of talk in which you’d like to engage. A person who is normally polite and proper in conversation may love being encouraged to talk dirty or answer raunchy questions with sizzling slang. You may find you get into a sexual conversation faster if you approach the subject flirtatiously rather than lasciviously.

The key is to not make assumptions about how a person wants their body addressed in text or speech. However, once you’ve established a baseline of shareable language regarding sex and the human body, you can begin to explore broader boundaries. In addition, showing interest in a person’s personal language around the body is a great way to express your interest in them and get to know them better.

Talking about boundaries

We’ve addressed this already, but it bears repeating: Discussing sexual limits is crucial in establishing relationships.

Fun flirtations can be killed in an instant if a person feels their boundaries for behavior or conversation are at risk of being violated. Fortunately, simply asking about a person’s boundaries will often lead to discussions of the actions and words they do find exciting.

Understanding boundaries also helps each person practice quality communication and connection during sex. It’s much easier to be present and mindful of your partner’s needs when you aren’t second-guessing your own language or physical expressions.

No set metric for success

Everyone is different, so these steps don’t have a set timeframe. What’s important is that discoveries are made, questions are asked and boundaries are respected.

Always remember that sex, and initiating sex, should be fun for all involved. If you keep this goal at the heart of your conversations regarding sex and dating, and remember to respect the needs and desires of others, your conversations about sex will never be boring or boorish.