What if Your Partner Is Bad in Bed?
Two sets of strangers open up about what they would do if their partner wasn't giving them pleasure.
More about this episode
A Conversation on Sex Quality
Statistically speaking, there is a limit to how much subpar bedroom performance people will tolerate. A 2018 study of 2,000 adults—conducted by One Poll and Pure Romance—found that on average, couples often broke up after 4.5 bad sexual encounters.
The reasons for what constitutes "bad sex" vary from person to person. For this study, 41% of respondents cited a lack of orgasms and 36% blame a lack of foreplay. Other reasons for woman-identifying participants included dirty sheets (37%) and partners who wouldn't go down on them (33%).
This study also revealed that, according to most respondents, it is possible to rebound from bad sex. In fact, 46% of participants said that they vocalized their needs and it helped their partner improve in bed, 72% showed their partners new sex positions and how they liked to be touched, and 48% introduced sex toys. Overall, 71% of those who stuck it out with a partner who was initially bad in bed, said things improved with time.
Opinions, we all have them, especially when it comes to love and sex. So, what happens when two people who've never met get to share their opinions in an open and honest conversation? Maybe they learn something about the other person and maybe they learn something about themselves.
I'm Dr. Judy, and this is Well, In My Opinion. So, today we're talking about: what if your partner's bad in bed?
Has it happened to you?
Yes. Oh, OK. Oh God.
That's a big thing, though. People might think like, “Wow, it's not even about that. It's about the personality, what you love.” No, that's a really big part.
Like, I talk to somebody and like, we talked a little bit and then once we finally like, did it, I was like, “Oh, this was bad.” Like, this was bad. I told the person, I was like, "I'm just not interested in you like that.” Because it's such a deal breaker for me that like, yes, they may have a great personality or yes, they may be, you know, a good person to talk to or whatever, but like you also need to have that physical connection with the person.
I'm so happy you said that because a lot of people try to say stuff like, “it shouldn't be about looks, it should just be about their personality." No, a relationship has all of those things in it, you know, personality, their attractiveness, their goals, their minds. It's all those things. It could be hundreds of things that, you know, you can put into that. So, sex is still in that factor. And I've been with someone that wasn't, you know, the best in bed, and I think it's so hard to tell them that.
How do you work with women, being bad in bed? Do they just lay there?
No, no and no. Is everything OK?
I don't know how straight sex works.
All right. Well, let me explain it to you. So, there's ways a girl can be bad in bed. They could be bad at riding. Like some girls could just, I don't know, just bounce up and down, not really move it around in a way that feels good to you. They might just go like that and you're just like, you know what I mean? Or like, say, they get into a position where they're in front of you, they don't arch their back in a certain way…
Always have to arch the back.
And now you can see, at least you're not, you know what I mean? Those are all things that you notice. And in my mind, I'm really quiet. I wouldn't even say nothing. I just be like, I probably pretend that it felt good, I'm that person.
And then it can ruin a relationship, because especially if you're with someone that you know, every time they come through, when you guys are alone, they're probably going to have sex. That means they're enjoying it and you're not. So it's like when they're coming over, you're just like, “Damn, she's probably going around and it's probably going to want to have sex that before.” That's your boyfriend or that's your girlfriend. If you're thinking like that, that relationship, how is that going to last?
Yeah, one time I hooked up with this guy, and he comes over, and then the whole sexual interaction was just so weird. We like go to make out, and then I got to put my hands like on this head to, you know, touch his hair. He's like, “Don't touch my hair.” And I'm like, “Why?” And he's like, “Oh, I like for it to like, you know, lay a certain way.” And I'm like, "OK, I guess I won't touch your head."
We tried to have sex and I was just like, "I'm not, I'm not doing this." And then he left, and then he sends me this text and he's like, “Had such a good time with you tonight, can't wait to do it again.” And I'm like, "What good night did we have?" Like, were we not having the same night?
It's so funny how similar people are to each other because I've been with girls like that, that were just… they knew that night ended bad. And then right after, going to text me like, "Can't wait to see you again, baby, I love you." And I'm just like, "What? Did I miss this? What did I just miss? We did not have a good time."
Like an out of body experience.
Oh, that's a turn off to me. It's a big turnoff to me.
Statistically speaking, it turns out that there is a limit to how much subpar bedroom performance people will tolerate. A 2018 study found that on average, couples tended to break up after four and a half bad sexual encounters. While we're on that topic. 85% of men claimed that their partners had an orgasm during their last encounter, but only 64% of women say that's true. So if the chemistry is not there, maybe it's time to move on.
Yeah, we're not going to do that, we're not doing anything, bad in bed. I think that's a friend zone.
I mean, I feel like there's just no way that my soul mate has trash dick. I just know that it's just not possible. I mean, just like it's just, you know, it just wouldn't happen.
You can be nice, but it's like nah, we don't mesh well. My favorite line is, “We're not compatible.”
Maybe you're a freak in bed and you like all this kind of stuff and your partner, maybe they're more lovey dovey. They just want to make love, you know, they're really gentle, and it doesn't mean they're bad in bed. It just means, like you said, they're not compatible. So I think it's just a waste of time being with someone that you don't have good chemistry with because then they could find someone that they do have good chemistry with. So could you, right?
Yeah, you don't want to waste your time on that. So I mean, I think it's a sensitive subject, but if they're bad, it's just like “Yo friend zone boo. I can't do it.”
Because I'm going to cheat on you. I'm sorry, but we have terrible sex like I would cheat on you and I don't want to do that.
I would just tell you, I'll just be like, It's not working.
That's why it's better to just break up. Would you rather us break up or cheat on you? Nobody wants to get cheated on. I don't want to do that.
Yeah, you don't want to cheat.
Just be honest, if you're having sex, I think it's at least enough of an adult thing that you can be honest with the person.
I feel like I shouldn't have to communicate things like that, like you should just know. And if you don't just know to do certain things, then you're probably not the right person for me, like there's certain things that should kind of be instinctual.
Honestly, what I understand is a person doesn't know how to read your mind. You got to, if you think about it like this, two people have a lot of thoughts and a lot of things that are going on in their head all day. Now I got to read, my partner's mind? It's like, no, I mean, they don't know. Sometimes we don't know what we want or what we like until we experience it. So I think it's really important for us to just maintain communication and that consideration that you would want.
But then, like you said, after you've talked about it, if they're still like they haven't made any changes, then there's a problem. Because then it's not a matter of reading your mind or not. It's them just not caring about your wants and your needs.
If you're in a partnership with somebody, you have to be able to talk about these things. And there's many, many, many layers to why a person has an issue or can't love you the way you need to be loved or whatever. Some of it means that relationship is going to be over and some of it you can work through. So you just have to be willing to, you know, find those nooks and crannies in a person. And if they're worth it, you, you know, come out on top of not, you know, you separate.
No trash dick for us, only the best, top tier shelf.
I think we all want to pretend that it's not that big of a deal, but it is a big deal when your partner is bad in bed. While people say that they might be willing to try to work with their partner, sometimes compatibility is sort of just a phenomenon, kind of like intuition. You're not necessarily wanting to work with them step by step. It's not a project. You should just feel natural when you're having sex and be able to enjoy it.
I'm Dr. Judy, and this has been, Well, In My Opinion.