Giddy Presents The Naked Truth: My Boyfriend Wants a Threesome

I'm an AASECT-certified sex therapist and licensed professional counselor-supervisor based in Austin, Texas. I've been in practice for 14 years, including working in corporate settings, higher education and private practice.

If you have questions you want to be answered in future columns, send me an email at askgiddy@getmegiddy.com. Privacy in all matters of intimacy is very important to me and any questions answered in this column will be entirely anonymous.

Enough about me, let's talk sex.

My boyfriend wants to have a threesome. He says he wants to see me with another man and I'm not sure I'm cool with that. Doesn't he like me anymore?

Penny in Kansas

One of the most common fantasies and curiosities that comes up when exploring kink and nonmonogamy include some version of a threesome. The context of this question includes some specific ideas, which lead me to question the nature and intention of your partner's desire for sexual exploration.

Does he want to engage in pleasure with you and a man or is he more interested in the exploration of cuckolding? That is, does he have a kink or fetish of wanting to see his partner having sex with another person while he only watches but does not participate?

I would love to geek out on where and why we use the term cuckolding—it's about a weird bird, just so you know—but to answer your question, I'd like to include a few perspectives:

• The art of a healthy negotiation
• Defining and exploring the type of threesome desired
• Self-worth and self-esteem as they directly correlated to your relationship commitment

I am not typically a fan of specific structures and contracts. When it comes to altering your current arrangement of being together, however, the best-educated choices you arrive at will need to include a specifically outlined negotiation between you and your partner.

Once you align, as a couple, you will need to follow the same process of negotiation with the third party you are inviting into your play space.

Recommended:

• What If I Threw a Threesome and Nobody Came?: Experts share secrets on setting up a successful three-way—and making sure everyone has a good time.
• How to Talk to a Partner About Your Sexual Exploration: Whether you want to be chained up or spanked, describing your desires is imperative.
• Single and Loving It: Tips for a Healthy Breakup: Don't let yourself get caught in the difficult aftermath of a split. Do what's best for you.

Putting together a negotiation should not be mistaken as a compromise. I hate compromising because nobody really gets what they want. In the realm of opening up a relationship or engaging in kinky play, it's important to start by objectively stating your wants, needs and intentions.

Following up with the next step of seeing where your desires align, you can make an educated decision about what your hard limits are and what you both feel right about consenting to. Aftercare is an important piece of a healthy play session. Be sure to include what level of affection, hydration and nourishment you'll want after the sex.

I love a good porn scene, but I also love a psychological thriller. That said, I have no expectations to be the next notorious serial killer or noted profiler. Take into consideration that many of our fantasies stem from entertainment and do not translate directly to experience in reality.

As you take time to negotiate and explore intentions, keep an open mind about researching definitions and expectations for the play scene. If my man asked me for a threesome so he could watch me with another man, I would have a lot of questions about his desire to spectate, if he has anyone in mind and what the interview process looks like, etc.

I'll own up to the fact that I am full of the best and worst ideas. In theory, a lot of ideas seem fun, but utilizing some reflection and combining emotion with logic can bring safety and clarity to new experiences.

I would like to end our little chat with what stood out to me the most in your question: "Doesn't he still like me?" We all have our sexual histories, but I cannot emphasize enough that you should never engage in sexual activity to earn or keep love and affection. I advocate for fun, pleasure, new experiences, open-mindedness and sustainable, healthy relationships.

To put it simply, if it's not fun, don't do it. If you crave it, rock on.

Again, I'm not shy, so feel free to ask me anything. Remember, this will always be anonymous. If you have any questions about relationships, sexual activities or your partners, let me know. Tell me your first name and the state you live in so I can attribute your question. Please email me at askgiddy@getmegiddy.com. We will always respect your privacy.