A Tried-and-True Guide to Handjobs

A few weeks ago, in an almost-empty cinema, my partner sat, mask on, with his thigh pressed against mine. I heard his breath quicken slightly as his hand crept slowly up my leg, and felt my own pulse race as I tried to focus on the film (which, thankfully, wasn't great). Before long, he had slipped his hand up the side of my shorts and started to slowly, covertly jerk me off.

The word "handjob" might conjure memories of awkward teenage fumbles, but mastering the art of manual stimulation comes with some serious benefits: Not only is it virtually risk-free from a sexual health perspective, it also takes way less prep than intercourse—especially anal—and offers a hot, discreet option for getting your partner off.

Research published in Archives of Sexual Behavior even found that handjobs and mutual masturbation can help satisfy long-term couples with mismatched sex drives. In other words, if you're not in the mood to dust off the Kama Sutra and twist yourself into newfangled positions, a trusty handjob could be just the ticket to a fast, fail-safe orgasm.

But when it comes to technique, the internet has a lot to answer for. There's no shortage of online guides recommending everything from gripping the shaft with both hands (it's a handjob, not an arm wrestle) to fashioning a makeshift sex toy from a grapefruit to jerk your partner off with, a tip immortalized in the 2017 movie "Girls Trip."

When sex becomes solely about pleasure as opposed to a final cum-shot, it's easier for everyone to relax.

Don't worry: Great handjobs are easier to master than these ambitious cheat sheets suggest.

First, you'll need some basic, pleasure-focused biological knowledge. There are a few key erogenous zones to know: The frenulum is the small, super-sensitive fold at the tip of the penis; the head itself contains thousands of sensitive nerve endings; and the perineum, located between the scrotum and the anus, can be rubbed to externally stimulate the prostate, a walnut-shaped gland sometimes called the P-spot.

According to Topher Taylor, resident sex educator at U.K.-based sex toy chain CloneZone, the best approach is to "take it slow and make sure you're paying attention to the penis head, especially the frenulum. Do not squeeze the penis—grip it, ideally with lube, and sensually massage it whilst moving up and down."

As for the infamous grapefruit technique? "That sounds gross and acidic," Taylor joked. "I'm not sure the urethra would like that!" If you are looking to add a little extra to your handjob experience, a well-lubricated fleshlight comes better recommended than any produce you might find at the market, especially one with a soft, squeezable interior.

In terms of rhythm, it's important to remember that sensitivity can be painful as well as pleasurable: There's a fine line between "hard and fast" and "jerking so hard it might well drop off," so tread with caution. For those anxious about nailing the best technique, Taylor recommends watching their partner masturbate, and then replicating those actions—this kind of show-and-tell approach can be extremely effective.

Communication is key, too—2019 research published in the Journal of Sex Research drew a conclusive link between poor sexual communication and sexual dysfunction within couples, so talking frankly about what you want is important.

This can be easier said than done, but after years of overzealous, lube-free handjobs, 30-year-old U.S.-based Kevin has learned to describe exactly what he likes. "Lube is important, but the main issue is people just jump to 100-mile-per-hour handjobs and expect the guy to come in a minute," he said. "All that happens is they burn their arms out quickly, and then nobody's satisfied."

Kevin's advice is to lube up generously, start slow and be sure to work the balls. "Switch up the hand positions, too," he added. "I'd recommend not getting into the full-fist grasp until you feel like he's worked up enough that he's desperate for you to just grab hold of it. When you do, he'll probably come after a few solid pumps."

For Jason, 48, based on the East Coast of the U.S., watching porn with his girlfriend has been the golden ticket to great handjobs. In his experience, porn helped with "visual stimulation and pacing"—i.e., finding the right jerking-off rhythm—and he recommends letting go of the idea that orgasm is the end goal at all. "We find handjobs a lot of fun now, but plenty of people take it very personally if a guy can't finish," he continued. "They think it means they aren't attractive. Put less pressure on the orgasm and just enjoy it for the fun it is."

Jason's advice can help reduce performance anxiety, too—when sex becomes solely about pleasure as opposed to a final cum-shot, it's easier for everyone to relax.

If you're not in the mood to dust off the Kama Sutra and twist yourself into newfangled positions, a trusty handjob could be just the ticket to a fast, fail-safe orgasm.

Even porn creators, who are stereotyped as obsessed with hardcore sex and the illustrious "money shots," don't subscribe to the idea that sex must be penetrative to be good. "I love giving someone a massage with a happy ending," said Felicia Fisher, an adult content creator with plenty of handjob experience. "I love seeing them squirm under my hands and then pulling away right before they come," she continued, alluding to the sensuality of edging.

There's a pretty hot power dynamic at play with handjobs, too. "You know how people say they've 'got you by the balls'? This is that same level of surrender and vulnerability, but far more sexual," said another performer known only by his alias, Long Dong Silver. "They can be more thrilling because there are scenarios where you can seek a handjob where more obvious stuff like blowjobs would be out of the question."

Don't be scared to be spontaneous, either. Silver recalled one particularly randy incident when his partner snuck up on him while he was watching a coding tutorial video. "He fished my cock out of my boxers and proceeded to stroke me, very slowly, while whispering the words on the screen," Silver said. "He brought me to near-completion, then chuckled and went back to his work. It was confusion, exhilaration, bewilderment, pleasure and torture, all in one session." To this day, Silver said, he can't watch the tutorial without remembering that momentous handjob.

Whether you're too tired for penetration, looking for the thrill of a risky public encounter or simply an enthusiast for manual stimulation, there are plenty of reasons to embrace the much-maligned handjob. Whether jerking off with my partner in bed or letting him tease me in the cinema, our sex lives have been endlessly improved and diversified by the trusty "handy." With the right communication and plenty of lube, you too can experience this magic for yourself.