Giddy Presents The Naked Truth: My Girlfriend Never Orgasms and More
Welcome to The Naked Truth, where Giddy fields readers questions about sex and sexuality. Before we get into reader queries, you probably want to know a little about me and my expertise. I am a sex therapist certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT), as well as a licensed professional counselor. I have been in private practice since 2011 and actively tackling all things "marginalized" since 2007.
I initially obtained a professional counseling degree specializing in marriage, couples and family therapy, but quickly realized I didn't really fit into the mainstream of therapy. After paying some dues in residency, I explored a private practice talking about sex and relationships.
In time, I earned another degree from "sex school" and eventually found myself specializing in men, sex, relationships, kink, consensually nonmonogamous relationships, BDSM and more.
Now, let's get to your questions, but first, if you have any questions you want answered in future columns, send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org. Privacy in all matters of intimacy is very important to me and any questions answered in this column will be entirely anonymous.
With all that being said, let's talk sex.
My girlfriend never orgasms when we have intercourse. Am I doing something wrong?
Anthony in Washington, D.C.
This question is very broad but worthy of tackling in pieces. For starters, men and women (assigned at birth for now) have different ways to accomplish full-capacity pleasure. Men get excited by a look, a smell, a small stroke or even just a smile, whereas women need a little more than that.
Let's start with some basics and separate the two parts you're interested in: the vagina and the clitoris. As I'd like you to do, I'm going to focus on the clitoris.
Think of the clitoris as a type A personality with a mind all its own. It may look like a little button on the outside but that's just 10 percent of what the organ truly is. It's like a giant wishbone that, when engorged, grows by more than 70 percent. And that's where you're going to concentrate your magic as that's what makes most women orgasm.
You didn't ask, but just so you know, the size of your penis has very little to do with the stimulation required for your girlfriend to have a perfect orgasm.
I want to start with three golden rules if you want your partner to orgasm:
- Desire. Make her want you. Keep her smiling and laughing; this is going to be a great time and she's going to enjoy herself. Of course, each woman responds differently, but ultimately, a few minutes of charm are worth an hour of muscle-flexing and telling her endless stories about how amazing you are. She'll decide that…afterward.
- Stimulate. It's not the first place you should visit—as your girlfriend has many other erogenous zones that demand your attention—but the clitoris has a large role in activities to come. This is a good opportunity for you to work in an early-in-the-proceedings orgasm or two. (Remember, you may have a refractory time of 30 minutes or more, but your girlfriend can be ready to go again in a couple of minutes or so.) Stimulating the clitoris can also create vaginal "wetness," which will prepare her to invite you inside.
- Communicate. I know it sounds corny but communication and honesty are really important, with the caveat that each woman is different. If you take the time to learn her body, she will respond to intercourse much more efficiently. To be fair, this is a very general answer and I am not including the variables of stress, pelvic floor pain, past trauma or other mental, emotional or physical factors that should be taken into account. But that's why honesty and transparent communication are essential to any relationship, sexual or otherwise.
At the very least, ask your girlfriend why she thinks she's not having orgasms during intercourse. She may be able to answer your question directly, and then both of you can work toward a solution.
I am having fantasies about sex. Should I tell my partner?
Jordan in South Dakota
My general rule of thumb is this: All fantasies are healthy and abstract, so there's no harm done.
Of course, I needn't tell you that fantasies can expose a very vulnerable side of you and disclosure depends on the current state of how you and your partner communicate and interact.
I often recommend sharing your favorite porn videos for masturbation, on your own or together. However, this is an awful idea if insecurities exist within either of you autonomously or within your relationship. Porn is entertainment and should not be used in an educational way. Make sure you understand and communicate your true intentions so your partner can better understand the reasons for sharing.
If you're trying to make fantasies come to life with your partner, it's important to say so upfront. If you're only looking to add some spicy talk during playtime, then make that known as well.
Don't allow your partner to be curious about your intentions, especially with this type of vulnerable sharing. It's not healthy to have someone guess what you want, and you shouldn't leave those conclusions up to chance. You'll both run the risk of creating insecurities and, ultimately, resentment.
Nobody is right or wrong, good or bad if you're truly talking about fantasies. And with the willing consent of both parties, sharing could lead to more passionate play.
My partner wants to be in every part of my life, which is great, but sometimes I need my space. Is that OK? And how do I tell them I need some space without hurting their feelings?
Sarah-Jane in Texas
They tell us that love, connection and intimacy will be enough to maintain your relationship long term. But creating a sustainable relationship relies on three vital factors: quality time together, autonomy and trust.
When a couple has fewer and fewer individual interests, the concepts of learning about each other and keeping things interesting begins to fade as well. That lack of interest in each other can extend to sex and passion, but beyond the bedroom, it can affect your support for each other, career growth and parenting.
It's important to share your spaces together during designated times, which include hobbies and interests either one or both of you enjoy. If either of you feels you've been abandoned or neglected by the other in these spaces, it can feel uncomfortable. Worse still, the idea of feeling lonely while you're together is often more painful and can have future consequences.
Carving out space for yourself is fine, but make sure you give your partner reassurances—even if it's just a text or quick call for a check-in—to remind them of your feelings when you're apart and how much you look forward to returning to them.
Space can seem scary to someone who has never experienced healthy love or connection. Bear this in mind. Creating your own space can help a couple stay strong, but intentions and clarity are important to include in your negotiations when planning your separate activities.
Again, I'm not shy, so feel free to ask me anything. Remember, this will always be anonymous. If you have any questions about relationships, sexual activities or your partners, let me know. Tell me your first name and the state you live in so I can attribute your question. Please email me at email@example.com. We will always respect your privacy.