Why It’s Difficult for Women to Climax During Sex

Few things are more frustrating than having amazing, passionate sex with a partner and then…not being able to achieve an orgasm. Besides being unsatisfying, a lack of results can be a source of tension between partners.

Like much in our society, there’s a gender issue involved, termed the “orgasm gap” by University of Florida Professor Laurie Mintz, who has found that women on average enjoy fewer orgasms than men during heterosexual sexual encounters.

This is partly due to a number of anatomical and psychological factors, but open communication with your partner and specific sex positions can help bridge this gap.

Sex practices & anatomy

A survey called the Australian Study of Health and Relationships explored the orgasm patterns of nearly 20,000 Australians ages 16 to 59. In this group, 95 percent of heterosexual encounters included vaginal sex. The more sexual activities the couple engaged in, particularly if cunnilingus was involved, the more likely the woman was to orgasm.

This makes sense, especially as another study showed only 18 percent of women said vaginal sex alone was enough to make them climax, and another 37 percent specifically stated they required clitoral stimulation in order to finish.

It’s important to note that difficulty orgasming is not strictly a physical issue. Contributing emotional factors can include critical thoughts about one's body, previous abuse or trauma, or even guilt and shame associated with having sex at all. If you feel that emotional factors are the source of your orgasm drought, consider seeing a counselor or a sex therapist to help you work through those barriers.

Why there’s a gap

On average, men orgasm during 95 percent of sexual encounters, while women climax only 50 to 70 percent of the time. We’ve already discussed the physical and emotional reasons this might happen, but a study from Current Sexual Health Reports suggests that another underlying issue may be sexism.

It’s common to prioritize male gratification and penetrative intercourse over a woman’s needs, including clitoral stimulation. Due to social conditioning, women may not feel as confident as their male counterparts in voicing their need for sexual pleasure.

With so many factors stacked against women’s pleasure during heterosexual sex, reaching orgasm may seem like a lost cause. But don’t give up hope just yet—especially because correcting the course you’re on will help your relationship.

Emotional effects of not orgasming

Not reaching climax can be a problem on multiple levels. First, you’re not enjoying sex as much as you could, which isn’t fair. You may feel resentful toward your partner if they’re having an orgasm and you’re not. You may feel—rightly or wrongly—that they’re not prioritizing you.

In turn, your partner may feel guilty if they are incapable of satisfying you.

Even though you may think you’re sparing their ego or dodging a disagreement, I recommend that you don’t pretend to climax, as this invariably only exacerbates and prolongs a bad situation.

Instead, explain to your partner what’s not working for you, what you need to get there and how they can help. This might feel awkward at first, but sex will be better for you both in the long run.

Three ohhhhh-so-good sex positions for women

Cunnilingus

While this isn’t technically a sex position, it sure can feel good and deserves its top placement on the list. Oral stimulation of the clitoris is one of the best methods for female orgasm. Plus, it opens the door for reciprocative oral sex, a wonderfully intimate way to show passion for each other. Perform oral sex one after the other, or simultaneously via a variation of the soixante-neuf (69) position where you’re on your sides; it’s simply more comfortable and will let you relax and focus.

Woman on top

Also called cowgirl, being on top gives the woman all the control over speed and depth of penetration. Try leaning forward so he really grinds against your pubic bone. He can lie prone, or sit on the floor with his back against a couch for extra closeness. For many women, this is one of the most foolproof ways to reach orgasm. Riding low in this position, where you push your body down toward his feet, can help increase contact and possibly hit your G-spot. It’s a simple hop and a step from here to the reverse cowgirl, where you’re still on top but now facing away from your partner. All the same good things apply.

Spooning

Both of you lie on your side, with you in front. He can enter you from behind, and either—or both—of you can stimulate your clitoris with a hand or a toy. You can also try variations like the one-legged spoon, where you lift your outer leg up and out into a butterfly shape, creating easier manual access to your clitoris.

Believe me, ladies, if you’re having trouble getting off during sex, you’re not alone. Remember that the problem is likely not you or your gender, but may simply be the way you’re having sex.

Talk to your partner about what’s going on, and hop back in bed to test out these new positions. You’ll be shouting “O” in no time.