How to Talk About Sex When Orgasm Is Inaccessible

Key Points

• Inaccessible orgasms are somewhat common but can be challenging to discuss with your partner or potential partners.
• No matter the reason for not reaching orgasm, it isn't your failure and doesn't mean something is wrong.
• There are plenty of alternatives to orgasm-focused sex grounded in pleasure.

Inaccessible orgasm—or when an orgasm is difficult or impossible to access during sex—is a common sexual issue.

People with the following conditions are particularly susceptible to experiencing periods of inaccessible orgasm:

• Chronic pain
• Erectile dysfunction (ED)
• Gender dysphoria
• Multiple sclerosis
• Pelvic floor issues
• Those taking certain medications, such as anti-depressants

Anyone navigating the difficulty of inaccessible orgasms can find it especially challenging to discuss their sexual health and bodies openly with partners or potential partners. That's due, in part, to stigma and the popular belief that orgasm is the end-all and be-all of sex. (Hint: It's not, and orgasm shouldn't always be the goal.)

"It can feel uncomfortable speaking about sexual health for the first time, but it's also pretty much inevitable," said Jill Krapf, M.D., an OB-GYN in Tampa, Florida, and a medical advisor to Evvy, an online vaginal health platform. "A supportive partner will respect your body and work with you to make you feel the most comfortable."

How to talk about inaccessible orgasms

To talk about inaccessible orgasms, you need to understand the cultural messaging concerning sex and orgasms—and consciously choose a different approach.

"Societally, we do a huge disservice to ourselves and our partners by focusing on orgasm as the goal of a sexual experience or encounter," said Rachel Wright, L.F.M.T., a psychotherapist in New York City and a sex educator for the sex toy brand Zumio. "No matter the reason for not achieving orgasm, it isn't a failure, it doesn't necessarily mean that something is wrong, and it's certainly not a reflection on you or your partner."

To give yourself space away from shame, create a definition of sex that is pleasure-focused rather than goal-oriented. Also, remember that orgasm is just one form of connection and satisfaction, rather than the sole form.

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To start the conversation with your partner, employ one or more of the following four strategies.

1. Stop apologizing

"Don't apologize for being unable to orgasm. It isn't a personal offense," Wright said.

Remember you deserve a shame-free relationship with your body.

2. Ask for a conversation

Let your partner know you need a conversation. This can be as simple as saying, "Hey, I'd love to talk about something sex-related. When is a good time?" This helps set the stage for a productive conversation and assures you and your partner are prepared and able to talk.

It's best if you locate these conversations somewhere other than the bedroom.

3. Acknowledge, explain, offer

Once you're both ready to chat, Wright recommended using the "acknowledge, explain, offer" (AEO) framework.

With this, she said you can acknowledge your experiences with orgasm, explain how this impacts your feelings—perhaps there is embarrassment or perceived pressure to perform, for example—and offer a solution.

The offer may be a request for new kinds of sex, affirmations or reassurances.

"A pro tip is to use an 'I' statement when talking about your feelings, and if things get tense, always take a break before returning to the conversation," she said.

4. Seek professional guidance

If you struggle to initiate or maintain a conversation about inaccessible orgasm, consider seeking professional support.

"Remember that healthcare professionals are trained to handle such discussions professionally and without judgment," Krapf said. "If you're feeling more nervous than usual, let your doctor know about your concerns upfront or jot down some questions or concerns before the appointment."

If you're unsure where to start, Krapf said you can find qualified providers through the International Society for Sexual Medicine (ISSM) and the International Society for the Study of Women's Sexual Health (ISSWSH) directories.

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Alternatives to orgasm-focused sex

Alternatives to orgasm-focused sex should be grounded in pleasure, connection and creativity. Three such options are outercourse, kink and sex toys.

1. Outercourse

Outercourse is a kind of sex that excludes internal sex, be that anal or vaginal. Use your imagination and think of oral sex, nipple play, grinding, erotic massage, mutual masturbation and more. It's a great alternative to anal or penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex because it takes the pressure off, encourages creativity and helps partners take a pleasure journey rather than go down a set path toward orgasm.

2. Kink

Talk with your partner(s) about mutual fantasies and desires. From there, think about kinky activities that put emphasis on exploration rather than orgasm. This could be roleplay, spanking, or sensory play with ice or warm oil.

Not sure where to learn more? Start with Giddy's guide to kinks and fetishes.

3. Explore sex toys

Though most commonly associated with orgasm or masturbation, sex toys are a great tool for partnered or solo play. Toys can help heighten pleasure, introduce the body to intense sensations and help partners get excited about exploration (rather than obsess over orgasm).

Additionally, sex toys can improve psychological and physical health, boost your mood and relieve conditions such as vaginismus, chronic pelvic pain, prostatitis and erectile dysfunction (ED).

The bottom line

If you're dealing with inaccessible orgasms, you can seek emotional support from loved ones and professional guidance.

"If your sexual function has changed or if challenges in this department are bothersome or distressing, it's important to see a practitioner who specializes in sexual health," Krapf said.

Remember, sex is expansive and interactive, and pleasure is never a one-size-fits-all proposition. For people who experience inaccessible orgasms, it's important to remember there is nothing wrong or broken about sex without orgasm, be it a temporary state or just how your body is.