Believe it or Not, Sex Can Be Glorious Without an Orgasm

You don't have to go far back in history to discover a society where men didn't listen to or consider women's opinions or feelings. Sexual attitudes were no different: Sex was only "allowed" to be pleasurable for men, and women were painted in a bad light if they were open about enjoying sex. And that's even before you consider the attitudes of certain religions that prefer to classify the sexual act for procreation only.

"When we look at the historical, social and cultural stories and implications of sex, and the reasons the act of sex was sanctioned in religion, then I suppose it's not hard to see the link between an orgasm—which is obviously required for procreation—and a successful end goal," said Rebecca Johnston, a sex, relationship and intimacy therapist and coach.

But only one sex's orgasm is necessary for conception, and somewhere along the line, this came to mean a man's pleasure is centric to "successful" sex.

"It's no wonder the historical gold standard of sexuality has also always been from the male's point of view," noted Ditza Katz, Ph.D., a physical therapist and the founder of the Women's Therapy Center in Plainview, New York. "If a male partner is satisfied, then the union is satisfactory. However, in today's world, that outdated mentality just doesn't work anymore."

We got orgasms all wrong

That biologically driven mindset is a double-edged sword. It deprioritized the female orgasm while simultaneously overemphasizing the male orgasm, putting immense pressure on men to climax (but not too soon or too slowly) and leave women in the dust altogether. Even more unfortunately, as sexual liberation movements have brought women's pleasure closer to the forefront, a historical lack of knowledge has meant even the hardest-trying, most well-meaning of partners may not be able to achieve the desired results.

With orgasm at the pinnacle of sexual achievement—and the only one that seems to matter—sex gets reduced to whatever gets us, particularly men, there.

"We've been conditioned to think that climaxing is the signpost of a job well done," Johnston said. "Just look at the various forms of media such as movies, music videos, articles in magazines or pornography as a few examples. Sex scenes, be they short or drawn out, overwhelmingly follow the narrative of 'want, penetrate, climax'—if A, then B, followed by C."

"Our culture does not provide a robust and far-reaching message of permission to enjoy the broad definition of sex, a definition that goes far beyond penetration," Johnston continued. "That really holds people to a very rigid mindset about what sex actually is, what personal meaning it holds for each individual, and how that personal meaning influences partnered sexual experiences. And that invariably plays out in the narrative of climax as the gold standard of sexual experiences."

'There are plenty of ways to enjoy sex in any form that has nothing to do with having an orgasm.'

Certainly, seeing orgasm as the end goal of sex can reduce the actual enjoyment of the act. Beyond that, though, are the many reasons, whether medical or mental, some men and women physically can't reach a climax.

Factors such as a history of sexual abuse or rape, boredom in sexual activity, fatigue, stress, depression or shyness about sex can all contribute to why 10 to 15 percent of women have never achieved orgasm, according to MedlinePlus, a resource in the U.S. National Library of Medicine. Of course, not having an orgasm doesn't mean they didn't enjoy the sex.

It's also perfectly normal for men to not be able to ejaculate sometimes. If there are medical reasons, a doctor should be consulted, but men feel stress, fatigue, frustration or disinterest just the same as women. All of those can impact their ability to have an orgasm, but sex can still be enjoyed on emotional and physical levels.

The healthier attitude

If you're not having sex to orgasm, why are you having sex? Well, to feel good. To get closer as a couple. To learn about your body. The reasons are endless, Johnston says.

"There are plenty of ways to enjoy sex in any form that has nothing to do with having an orgasm," Johnston explained. "Certain body responses can be quite visible and profound, or they can be nuanced, delicate and not directly attributed to what people normally associate as a joy-filled sexual response."

For instance, you might feel a tingling sensation in your body but not necessarily in your sex organs. You're likely already familiar with a fluttering sensation in the belly, a feeling of bliss in the brain or heightened senses like touch.

"Changes in the quality of breath—pace, depth and sound—and heart rate changes, as well as an energetic pooling in the genital area and the skin becoming flushed are all very powerful bodily responses enjoyed during sex," Johnston continued. "Movement can be a powerful indicator as well. When someone is engaged in a shared rhythm and their body feels relaxed, that's a really good indicator that enjoyment is being experienced."

As for how our society can change the norms around sex and enjoyment, the process has already started. Talking about sex as it exists in every form has become much less taboo, and those discussions need to be part of the solution.

"We can stop overthinking it. Just like every session at the gym, a cake we bake or plant we tend to in the garden, sex is full of variation from one experience to the next," Johnston said. "When we can embrace the qualities of being human—and this goes beyond sex—and diminish identification with avatar people in marketing and popular culture, then we will have a better chance of feeling safe and secure in who we are. And when we can do that, the inherent human system—the body, mind, heart and spirit—goes into a state that is open and receptive to playfulness, connection and fun, all of which is known to increase the likelihood of orgasm."

Katz added a straightforward path to better sex: "Education, education, education, with emphasis on facts and truths, not myths, media and hearsay."