The Reason Hollywood's Intimate Scenes Look So Good

We've all watched action movies and imagined ourselves as the hero or heroine. For instance, if I wore John Wick's shoes, I would be able to simultaneously fire several large guns containing never-ending bullets while spinning, leaping, punching and kicking about a thousand hungry hitmen. No problem.

Of course, as adults, we're usually savvy enough to entertain these fantasies for a brief moment and let them go because we know movies aren't real life. On some level, we understand that long before the cameras were plugged in, Keanu Reeves spent months training with stunt coordinators and rehearsing every single movement. We know if we were to try any of these moves in real life, we'd end up in a hospital with something bent or broken or worse.

Why then do we so easily believe what the movies sell us regarding sex?

Therapists who specialize in couples and sex have their own take on how the clean, effortless, not-at-all awkward sex in movies may damage real-life couples' expectations in the boudoir. More importantly, they know what we can do about it.

The magic of the silver screen

"Sex in movies is just like relationships in movies: A sex scene in a movie is the romantic-comedy equivalent of a relationship," said Natalie Finegood Goldberg, L.M.F.T., a Los Angeles-based sex therapist and psychotherapist. "The guy is ready to go immediately. It's like thrust, thrust, orgasm for both of them and it's over. It's just so simplified."

Much as the media's constant bombardment of images of flawless, perfect celebrities famously distorts our expectations of how our own faces and bodies should look, seeing sex portrayed onscreen as a super-smooth operation you're able to launch right into can confuse and intimidate people.

'With women in movies, they choose which positions to use because they like the way they look in them, but it has nothing to do with pleasure.'

A 2006 study conducted by a team from McGill University Health Centre in Montreal found both men and women take about 10 minutes to reach "peak arousal," measured by genital temperatures. That's a little lengthy for a sex scene in a fast-paced movie.

That 10 minutes isn't necessarily because older men take longer to get fully erect, either. Erectile dysfunction (ED) affects more younger guys these days than ever before. Comorbidities such as obesity, diabetes and heart disease have become more prevalent in younger cohorts, possibly contributing to this trend. One study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine indicated 26 percent of ED cases occur in men age 40 or younger.

Stressing over the belief that you should always be hard as steel and ready to go like guys in movies can further exacerbate ED.

Practice makes perfect

Guess what? Just like Keanu's action scenes in "John Wick," Tom Cruise and Jennifer Connelly rehearsed a hell of a lot before they shot their sex scenes in "Top Gun: Maverick." They not only rehearsed the scenes, but they were also shot from numerous angles doing the same dialogue and motions over and over again with meticulous attention to every airbrushed, shaved, plucked, waxed and Botoxed detail.

"Movie scenes and professional porn can involve hours of filming to get one short scene right," said Kelifern Pomeranz, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist in the San Francisco Bay area. "It involves lots of preparation time, awkward angles and acting."

We mere mortals may be insecure about how we look when we're naked and in the throes of passion. But we have to keep in mind how in the movies, directors, cinematographers and actors have considered all aspects well in advance of shooting, down to the finest detail of what angles and positions look best.

"I've had clients who don't feel comfortable in certain positions because they don't like the way they look from behind or they don't like the way they look when they're on top of their partner," Finegood Goldberg said. "Of course, with women in movies, they choose which positions to use because they like the way they look in them, but it has nothing to do with pleasure. It has nothing to do with the way it feels."

C'mon, we're acting

That brings us to another important point which often gets lost. What we see onscreen in both porn and Hollywood films isn't real pleasure. It's the portrayal of pleasure. It's an attempt to simulate sex and, thus, isn't geared toward the actors' feelings or emotions or sensations. They're only pretending to have all those qualities.

"Porn is a performance, not an instructional how-to guide," Pomeranz said. "You would never try to learn how to drive by watching a high-speed chase in a movie and you shouldn't try to learn about sex and intimacy from watching porn. What is depicted in porn and in movies exists in the realm of fantasy but is often not possible in reality."

Some tips from the top

Most of us agree sex is great. But sometimes it's awkward, messy, smelly, noisy and clumsy. Rather than feel disappointed because you don't have the unachievable kind of sex you see onscreen, learn to enjoy its glorious ridiculousness. Finegood Goldberg offers her clients these tips:

Get weird with it

"I'm all about embracing the awkwardness," she said. "If you embrace the awkwardness, it takes away its power and it immediately makes it less awkward. If you just assume there's going to be awkward moments—changing positions, the smells, the sounds, the wrinkles, the folds, whatever—if you can embrace all that, it doesn't have to take away from your pleasure."

Laughter is the best medicine

"Laughter is a good thing. Laughter is a sign of relaxation and play. You're in the play part of your brain when you're laughing," Finegood Goldberg said. "If you can laugh about it, it can be a much more enjoyable and pleasurable experience."

Stop performing

"It doesn't have to be so performative," she said. "Thinking it's got to look a certain way, it's got to feel a certain way, that can be very limiting. You're not honoring your own experience and your own desires. You're playing a role. Be yourself instead."

Remember why we're here

Sexual arousal is the result of a wild assortment of hormones, electrochemical nerve impulses, sights, scents, emotions, thoughts and physical touch. At the end of the day, however, partnered sex is about connecting with another person. Getting caught up in trying to match wildly out-of-reach, polished intimate scenes you've seen onscreen is the exact opposite of connection.

Perhaps the best advice is to simply try to let go of ourselves and what we look and sound like, and focus on our partner.

"Great sex doesn't always look like what you see onscreen," Pomeranz said. "It's about trust, connection, safety, generosity and mutual pleasure."