How I Terminated My Pregnancy

The first time I had to deal with the reality of an unwanted pregnancy was back in university during my time in Cape Town, South Africa. Carmella was in her first year; I was slightly older than her and we lived together. I vividly remember waiting outside the bathroom while she took the pregnancy test, silently hoping it was a false alarm. It wasn't. I advised Carmella to get an abortion. She was like a little sister to me and had her whole life ahead of her, which I knew would come to a standstill if she went ahead with the pregnancy.

Ultimately, I took Carmella to get her abortion pill. She was two months along at the time, and while trying to offer the support she needed, I watched Carmella go through physical pain.

Sometime in April 2021, I missed my period and started experiencing constant lower abdominal cramps. As I browsed through photos of my sister's bridal shower, I felt like my underbelly looked slightly bigger than usual and my face had a certain glow.

I knew in the back of my mind that I was pregnant but couldn't bring myself to go and buy the test myself.

I called up my boyfriend at the time and asked him to order and deliver two pregnancy tests to my apartment. Both clearly showed that I was, indeed, pregnant.

The first emotion I felt was anger

I was angry at myself. I had always been the girl who'd preach to my friends the importance of protected sex, and yet here I was not following my own advice. Being someone who has never wanted children, I felt intensely angry at my partner, as well.

I immediately called a girlfriend to tell her the news. I was driven to the main clinic in Nairobi, where I knew I needed to go to weigh my options. Abortion is illegal in Kenya, where I lived at the time, apart from cases where the victim has been sexually abused or has health complications. I was relieved when the nurses at the clinic didn't question me about my pregnancy and sexual history. They were just willing to help.

They performed an ultrasound and took some blood tests. I sat in the waiting room, my anxiety at its peak, as I waited for the results. The doctor finally called my name and signaled me into her office. She confirmed that I was exactly one month pregnant. In addition, they had also detected a bacterial infection in my womb.

Sajeev Kumar, M.B.B.S., D.C.H., a general practitioner in India, said the infection could likely be caused by the staphylococcus bacteria, which can be spread through skin-to-skin contact during unprotected sex. The primary doctor at the clinic assured me that it was just a minor infection and not a sexually transmitted disease, and it could be treated easily with some prescription antibiotics.

My heart was palpitating

I felt so much hatred toward my ex. The world was crumbling all around me. When the doctor asked me to stand to check my weight, my legs failed me. I had no balance and kept dropping to my seat. The clinic therapist confirmed I was having a panic attack. After a few minutes of deep breaths in and out, I relaxed a bit and was given some time in the recovery room to calm my nerves.

That weekend, in my apartment, I took the abortion pill the clinic personnel had looked the other way and given to me. My ex was there to take physical care of me through the excruciating, prolonged pain in my abdomen.

Nothing prepared me for the emotional turmoil that I experienced in the days and weeks following the abortion. I couldn't understand why I felt this overwhelming sense of loss, like a big part of me was missing. I didn't regret my choice, but I blamed myself for putting my body through such an ordeal.

'It is not uncommon for people to feel a range of emotions about themselves and their body, resulting in high levels of emotionality.'

"Everyone has a different experience of abortion. For some, it's just a quick medical procedure they undergo, and for others, it can hold more weight," said Jeanae M. Hopgood, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Plymouth Meeting, Pennsylvania. "The feelings that arise can truly be a mixed bag, both internally and across persons seeking abortion services. It is not uncommon for people to feel a range of emotions about themselves and their body, resulting in high levels of emotionality. It's also not uncommon for people to feel clear, sure, and unphased by what is about to occur."

Two days after my abortion, I had to pick myself up and go and collect my bridesmaid's outfit for my sister's wedding. Ultimately, my partner and I would separate, a result of his cheating, after which my feelings of self-blame and guilt immediately vanished. I was so relieved about my decision to terminate my pregnancy, since I couldn't imagine bringing a child into such an unbalanced family.

When I gathered up the courage to share the news with my mom, she surprised me by being extremely supportive. Over the next few weeks, she took care of me as I went through hormonal changes and constant mood swings. I took a break from sex for the next few months and worked on falling back in love with my body.

"Having support is critical in most life decisions. No one wants to feel alone or judged, especially when making decisions about something that largely, solely impacts their own life," Hopgood said. "The key here is in respect of your choices and belief that you know what's best for you."

Abortion is a medical procedure that is currently illegal or restricted in some portions of the United States. For more information about the legality of abortion in your area, please consult a local healthcare provider. These views and opinions are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of Giddy or any members of its staff.