When the Sex Is Good: Ways to Avoid Unsatisfying Sex
You're about to have a sexual encounter. All the elements seem to be in place, and you have high hopes. But in its aftermath, you may be forced to face an unfortunate reality.
The sex simply wasn't very good.
Shuffling away and feeling unsatisfied or perhaps put off entirely, you can't help but wonder how things could have gone wrong. You want to get to when the sex is good.
Focus is shifting from orgasming to the giving and receiving of intimate moments and pleasure.
It's 2023 and sex is everywhere—in advice columns, social media and woven into every aspect of our daily lives. There's a good chance you'll find overt or covert sexual tones in almost anything and everything. Yet despite this vast pool of information at our fingertips, people continue to have "bad" sex.
How is it possible?
Attitudes about sex over time
Over the years, societal perspectives on quality sex have undergone major generational shifts. What would have been acceptable to our grandparents may not be the case today, as society has shifted its priorities.
"Outdated beliefs would have looked at sex as a marital obligation, which does not consider pleasure and assumes sex to be more of a perfunctory role. This also continues patriarchal beliefs, which are changing," said Lauren Muratore, an accredited sexologist and the director of Integrated Sex+Relationship Therapy in Melbourne, Australia. "A good sexual experience is also slowly shedding the social, religious, gender and media constructs that influence how people feel about their sexuality."
She added that there is currently momentum provided by a sex-positive movement in which people are ultimately given the ability to have sex in a consenting, safe, healthy, pleasurable way whenever they feel like it. That consent education is a major shift in itself.
"What pleasure looks like can change each sexual experience; therefore, assuming consent regardless of how long you have known someone is not helpful," she said. "Consent is sexy and having a voice to communicate sexual pleasure brings greater satisfaction."
People need to create a safe place where all topics around sex can be exchanged positively and respectfully, according to Rebecca Alvarez Story, a sexologist and CEO/co-founder of the sexual wellness and intimate products website Bloomi.
"It's crucial to ask for and obtain consent from your partner(s) in any sexual relationship or encounter," she said. "Your body and sexuality belong only to you and no one else."
Furthermore, she noted that the focus is shifting from orgasming to the giving and receiving of intimate moments and pleasure, without the pressure of reaching a climax. She believes there's no such thing as "bad" sex because problems can be fixed with mutual communication and understanding.
Plus, there may be extenuating circumstances making sex insufficient, which have nothing to do with the actual act, such as stress, prior experiences, and cultural or religious conditioning.
"As such, 'bad' sex can be all situations where individuals aren't receiving emotional or physical satisfaction, where one partner is selfish, and where there is no connection or compatibility between partners," she explained.
Conversely, Muratore cautioned against seeing "good" sex as a one-size-fits-all approach. The spectrum of sexuality, including asexuality, is relevant.
'Good' and 'bad' sex today
Our access to sexual content has exploded, but it's not enough to completely eradicate unsatisfying sex. A survey carried out in 2021 by OnePoll revealed 1 in 5 Americans have experienced more than 10 awful sexual encounters, and 2 in 5 have gone as far as to stop in the middle because the experience was so unpleasant. Established couples weren't immune, either: half admitted their current partner was the worst sexual partner they'd had.
The quantity of information is part of the problem. It can be so overwhelming that people opt out of reading at all, said Debbie Rivers, a relationship coach in Australia. Instead, they learn from porn, which Rivers said is far from realistic and can warp their views on sex, particularly for men.
"Reading information is quite different from experiencing it, and people often don't know what they don't know, especially if they have never experienced what good sex actually is," she said.
Acknowledging gender disparities is important, as well, as sexual encounters vary for each.
"Often, we think that people see and experience the world as we do, and that isn't true here," Rivers explained. "We project how we are onto other people."
Story pointed to the changing goals of sex.
"Nowadays, sex is seen as a critical element of broader wellness and well-being, and essential for a person's mental, emotional and physical health," she said.
Rivers and Story agreed that the pros of a healthy sex life can:
- Improve connections to others and lead to more intimate relationships
- Improve self-confidence and willingness to try new sexual activities
- Increase romantic gestures (gifts, dates, vacations, displays of affection and telling each other "I love you")
- Improve your immune system and lower blood pressure
- Reduce stress, anxiety and depression
With all those benefits, finding out why you aren't enjoying sex is worth investigating. One way to do this is through masturbation and self-exploration.
Taking the time to become familiar with your body provides a no-pressure atmosphere to discover likes and dislikes, which you can then relay to your partner. Further, self-pleasure can lead to higher self-esteem and increased libido, Story said.
Talk dirty to me
Experts noted that the process of transforming "bad" sex into "good" sex relies on interpersonal communication with your partner. The degree to which couples are comfortable sharing is subjective, and it's never OK to assume your partner is agreeable to divulging information.
For example, Rivers wondered how you might feel if you discovered your partner was telling their friends how bad you were in bed. The odds are your reaction might be less than stellar.
"The one person that you should be talking to is your partner, as they are the only ones with the ability to change the situation. Sometimes, it can be easier to be naked than to be emotionally vulnerable," she said.
Discuss your values and boundaries and avoid comparing yourself to others.
"Every couple has a different sex life with a different meaning, a different script and a different frequency," Muratore explained. "Once you start comparing yourself to those around you, people often feel inadequate and it sets up false expectations for your own relationship. If you want to share how you feel, speak to a friend who can listen to your feelings with empathy, without expectations that they'll solve your problems."
If you feel sexually unfulfilled, speak up. Muratore, Rivers and Story all recommended waiting for the right time—namely, not before, during or after sex—to bring up the topic.
Be open and build trust slowly. Focus on the positives, such as what you like, want more of or want to try. This will allow your partner to be more receptive to hearing you out. Avoid absolutes—"you always" or "you never"—and accusations. Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements.
Rivers also suggested giving a blame-free lighthearted sex review the following day.
The most important thing to remember is that it takes two to tango. After a sexual encounter, both of you should walk away feeling sexually gratified, so take the time to learn your partner's likes and preferences, too.
"Sex is an important aspect of a relationship," Muratore said. "However, each person's sex needs to be considered."
Story noted that it's never too late to start having open conversations about sex with your partner.
"By sharing fantasies, likes, dislikes and expectations, you can learn about each other and create the best possible experience for all," she said.
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