Why is it Important to Have Sexual Values?

Values play a pivotal role in life. They define how we behave and provide a guide for what is important to us. Many of us have work values, life values and even relationship values. But do you have sexual values?

When it comes to sex, we rarely think about what our sexual values are, perhaps because the subject is too often viewed as taboo and not to be discussed openly in comparison to other aspects of our lives.

"Since sex isn't discussed, people often take for granted that the cultural messaging they receive about sex is the only source for determining what sexual values should be," explained Indigo Stray Conger, L.M.F.T., a sex therapist for Mile High Psychotherapy in Denver who is certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT). "Whether those messages come from movies or church or TikTok, there is little room for exploring which values feel right for an individual or relationship."

What exactly are sexual values?

Sexual values are defined as the personal standards to which you hold yourself when interacting sexually, such as when and how you engage sexually or how you communicate about sexual activity. Another aspect involves the role sexual activity plays in your life and what these sexual interactions mean to you.

Conger listed some common examples of sexual values:

• Engaging in sexual activity only with a partner you're in love with or with whom you share a deep, emotional bond.
• Having sex only after your relationship has been successful for a specific length of time.
• Focusing on the experience of connection during sex and not prioritizing orgasms.
• Always having "safer sex" or sex with barriers.
• Not focusing on gender as an important aspect of sexual connection and pleasure.
• Having sex with only one partner with whom you have committed to sharing your life.
• Engaging in sexual activity with a partner only after being tested for sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and discussing the risks involved.

How sexual values are formed

The way we go about exploring sex and sexuality has to be modeled in some way by the world around us. Our perception of sex and sexuality is influenced by many factors, such as what we were told about sex growing up, what our peers share with us on this subject, religious messages on sex, as well as movies, TV and social media.

Our sexual values are often a direct result of the cultural messaging we have internalized over the years. How your parents or guardians broached the topic of sex and what they communicated to you about it may have also shaped how you perceive sex and, subsequently, your sexual values. For some people, however, this is not the case because sex is rarely discussed openly and honestly in many households.

"While parents are able to bring us up as good-mannered, hardworking and responsible, nobody is there to teach you how to behave in bed," explained Charlotte Johnson, a sex and relationship expert at MegaPleasure, a sex product outlet based in England. "Instead, you learn your sexual values from familial, moral and cultural influences."

Why sexual values are important

The more you know about yourself and your sexual preferences, the better you can clearly communicate these choices to your partner or any potential partner. Knowing you have the option to choose whether you want to be intimate with only one partner until marriage or have sex only after a certain number of dates can help establish clear boundaries for a relationship and ensure consent throughout.

"It's important to communicate your values with your romantic partner. That way, both of you can understand each other's feelings and preferences. The sex you have with your partner can only get better once you start talking about sex first," Johnson explained.

"If you don't talk to your partner, they won't know what you like or even don't like," she added. "You don't want to feel pressured into acting a certain way with one partner because you think it will make them happy. You both deserve to be happy and fulfilled in your sex life, so it's essential to discuss your sexual preferences with each other."

By having an open and honest conversation (not only with your partner but with yourself), you can take control of your sex life and make choices that make you feel good and comfortable.

How to discover your sexual values

Always keep in mind that your sexual values belong to you and no one else. It's never too late to think about what your sexual values are or update them as your relationships change.

If this is the first time thinking about your sexual values, here are some basic questions to start with:

• How do I want to be treated by my partner in bed?
• How do I want to treat my partner in bed?
• What sort of sexual activities do I prefer to engage in with a romantic partner (and which ones do I not want to engage in?)
• Is establishing an emotional connection prior to having sex with any individual important to me?

"Discovering your sexual values can also take the form of attending a couples retreat, participating in a play party, receiving sexological bodywork, joining a book club or a meetup focused on sexual values exploration, or learning about your erotic blueprint," Conger explained.

These options can be considered either individually or in a relationship setting.

If you'd like to work with a professional, a certified sex expert can guide you toward your sexual values and help you find new ways to explore your sexual edges.