The Big OH! How Important Are Vocalizations During Sex?

The foreplay is hot, you're both on fire, but during intercourse, your partner goes completely silent. Are they enjoying this? Are they just really focused on what they're doing? Does this mean you're bad in bed? You start overthinking, which, of course, ruins your own sexual experience. Then suddenly, your partner turns to you and says, "That was the best sex I've ever had!"

It's confusing, but not everyone sings a song during sex and not everyone wants vocalizations. Other people are disappointed and uninspired without sexy talk or moaning. So how do you strike the right chord?

Silence speaks

Some say silence during sex is a signal your partner is enjoying themselves. Tori, a marketing professional in her late 20s, explained vocalizations from her partner are important to her during intercourse; however, she herself has silent orgasms. It doesn't matter much to her if her partner is also quiet during an orgasm; however, she finds her silent orgasms intensely intimate and an important part of her sexual experience. Could it be Tori reaches a level of meditative sexual pleasure? It's hard to say, but her partner knows she has achieved a level of ecstasy when she has reached this point, which makes their sex even hotter.

Pump up the volume

Jake, a CEO of a nonprofit in his early 30s, shared that being comfortable enough to be loud is sexy, making the sex he is having so much better. He added that he enjoys being loud with his partner, but believes most men usually aren't. Jake explained that if his partner is quiet, it takes him much longer to reach orgasm.

Greg, a hedge fund manager in his early 40s, said he absolutely expects his sexual partners to express themselves in bed, but he doesn't usually make much noise of his own when reaching orgasm. Greg couldn't explain why he does this other than it seems to be his body's natural response. He also agreed men aren't typically that loud in bed, and said it appears that how women and men are portrayed in porn may have something to do with that.

Madison, an artist in her 20s, revealed she would like to find a louder guy in bed because she finds grunting and moaning from men sexy—and uncommon.

Faking it is not making it

If the sex you are having is dissatisfying, faking a loud orgasm is a common disguise of choice.

But faking your pleasure is usually pretty obvious and can create an awkward situation. Rob, a police officer in his mid 30s, said he couldn't stand it when his girlfriend was super loud in bed. He feels like there is no way she was being authentic and found the noises distracting.

Rob's situation is a good example of a harsh reality: If one member of a couple is faking it or feeling uncomfortable expressing themselves during sex, you're not having good sex and may not be with the right person. It's time to have an honest conversation about both people's needs and desires, and how you can each have a satisfying experience.

Masturbation can train the brain

Years of living with roommates or kids and having to please yourself discreetly can spill over into your sex life. You may have trained yourself to feel more comfortable having sex quietly and not even realize it. Of course, having kids in the next room can undoubtedly put a hamper on vocalizing your pleasure, too. Melissa, a retail worker in her early 40s, said she is always quiet during sex. She thinks this is because she had a traumatic experience of her parents walking in on her when she was in her early 20s. Although the incident seems almost funny now, she is still quiet while masturbating and having intercourse. She explained it's almost as though she trained herself to be this way because being loud during sex makes her feel silly and sometimes confuses her sexual partners.

As good for you as it was for me

Everyone is different. What matters is whether you can be sexually uninhibited and enjoy safe sex with someone you trust. Vocalizations can make sex sexier or they can create anxiety or annoyance—or they may fall somewhere in between. It's all about the chemistry between two people and the natural vibes you're giving off while having sex. Indeed, if the sex is not enjoyable for lack of expression or authenticity, it is essential to communicate this to your partner, go to therapy if needed or end the relationship. Figure out your sexual desires, especially as they change over time, and get vocal about what you want.