Can You Be a Sexually Submissive Feminist?

Key Points

• Sexual submission is consensual roleplay in which one partner willingly relinquishes control to a dominant partner for sexual pleasure.
• Consensual submission is a way for individuals to explore their desires, express their sexuality and deepen their connection with a partner.
• Some who identify as a feminist experience conflict when their sexual preferences seem to contradict their feminist values.

Editor's note: Some sources requested their full names and locations not be used.

Tiffany, a 23-year-old barista in Austin, Texas, is a feminist. She believes in equality, dismantling the patriarchy and challenging traditional gender roles.

In addition to being a feminist, Tiffany enjoys being submissive to her male partner during sex. Sometimes, she worries her sexual preferences are at odds with her feminist values.

"I generally don't like when men have power over women," Tiffany said. "Penetration has been used as a tool to oppress women forever. It feels like I'm acting out my own oppression."

However, Tiffany is not the only feminist who enjoys sexual submission, said Meg Callander, a sexologist in Melbourne, Australia. She's also not the only woman who feels conflicted about it.

"With the #MeToo movement came an increased awareness of the extent and impact of sexual violence that women face in their everyday lives," Callander said. "This can create a conundrum for people who enjoy or want to explore sexual submission and domination, as the exchange of power can feel taboo or counterintuitive given the social and political climate."

She emphasized that your sexual preferences have nothing to do with your personal politics.

"It's possible to embrace both your feminist values and your desire to be vulnerable, uninhibited and submissive in consensual sex," she said.

What is sexual submission?

Sexual submission is a type of roleplay where one person consensually gives up control to a dominant partner for the purpose of sexual pleasure, said Desiree Spierings, a relationship counselor and the founder of Sexual Health Australia in Sydney.

"This consensual exchange of power is about having consensual fun that is collaborative, sexy and wanted by all participants," she said.

Being submissive in bed can take many different forms, according to Callander. They include receiving cheeky love bites or hair-pulling, being disciplined with spanking and bondage, and even humiliation and pain.

Regardless of what kind of submission play you engage in, establishing clear rules is key, Spierings noted.

"At the onset, partners should discuss boundaries and agree on a safeword," she said.

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Why is sexual submission so sexy?

Different people have different reasons for being into sexual submission.

"For many, it's an escape from their rigid and controlled roles in everyday, public life," Callender said. "When someone you trust is calling the shots during sex, it can be easier to lose yourself in the moment."

Some people like ceding control to their partner because it heightens their senses to not know what comes next, Spierrings said.

"Others express that it's freeing to be able to take on a persona that is normally not like them," she said. "Because it is like acting, they feel less inhibited and can more freely express their desires."

Does being submissive in bed promote domestic violence?

Spierrings rejected the suggestion that sexual submission play may promote violence against women.

"The difference lies in consent," she said. "Enjoying rough sex that is consented to and liked by both partners and for the purpose of sexual pleasure and enjoyment is very different to violence against women, which is not consented to."

As to the question of whether being submissive makes you a bad feminist, Callender was quick to respond.

"Quite the opposite," she said. "For many women, being submissive in the bedroom can be a liberating experience that allows them to embrace and take charge of their own sexual pleasure. Being submissive does not mean being weak or disempowered, but instead, it is a powerful way to express your sexual desires and boundaries and enjoy an even deeper level of connection with a partner."

Far from indicating weakness, enjoying being dominated means you are attuned to your preferences and confident enough to pursue the sex you want.

"It's really important that people understand that while sexual submission is a powerful tool for self-discovery and personal growth, it does not define you as a person," Callender said. "As long as sexual submission is safe, sane and consensual, it's a perfectly healthy way to express and enjoy your sexuality."