Overcoming the Fear of Your Partner Going Down on You

Long gone are days when cunnilingus was taboo: Some studies report cunnilingus—or the oral stimulation of the clitoris or vulva—may be just as popular as fellatio, the oral stimulation of the penis.

While that's one step closer to closing the orgasm gap for women, not everyone is on board with a partner going down on them. For some women it's just a preference, but others may have unresolved anxieties that keep them from enjoying sex to the fullest.

Odor concerns

Perhaps you're worried that while the rest of your body smells like a bouquet of roses, your genitals may be off-putting or gross your partner out. This is a common misconception anyone with a vagina has likely had to come to terms with, as there are a plethora of products marketed to promote a better-smelling vagina. However, these products will likely do nothing but give you an infection and mess up your pH balance.

Healthy vaginas are supposed to have a smell. While strong odors may indicate an infection, a mild odor is completely normal and natural. Your partner likely won't care about the way you smell—some people are even more turned on by the scent.

If you're feeling anxious about how you smell before a partner is up close and personal, take a shower and rinse yourself off with vaginal-safe products before you let them go down on you.

Body issues

Most people have something about their body they're insecure about, but what if that happens to be your vulva, clitoris or vagina? While you may be able to keep these insecurities at bay in other forms of sex, you may be less enthused about someone on top of what you're really shy about.

You may feel like your vulva and vagina aren't "normal," but nothing's normal when it comes to the visible parts of a woman's genitals. Variations in labia, clitoral size and vaginal openings are totally normal, and like every other part of your body, they're unique to you.

Learning to ignore your body insecurities may take some time, and you'll have to get used to being a little vulnerable with a partner. To make yourself more comfortable and accepting of your own anatomy, next time you're going for a solo session, try it in front of a mirror so you can enjoy the view.

What if I can't orgasm or it takes a long time?

If you're worried that it takes you a while to orgasm anyway, you may be reluctant to try something new, especially as the reward may not seem worth facing your fears. But it's worth considering that cunnilingus can increase your chances for orgasm significantly. Anyway, an orgasm doesn't have to be the end goal. Sure, no one will say no to the big O, but if you're focused so hard on reaching climax, you may psych yourself out, getting in your own way of pleasure.

Instead of concentrating on orgasming, stay in the moment and really pay attention to your partner's feelings—and your own subsequent sensations. Don't be afraid to speak up and communicate what feels good and what's not working for you. Let them go for as long as you feel comfortable exploring the feeling or as long as they want. Even if you don't orgasm, you'll likely be more aroused than before, so you can finish with another method faster and more intensely.

Face your fear or seek help

After you've put your fears into perspective, you may find it easier to give (or get) oral a go. Remember to stay relaxed, focus on the sensations and keep breathing. Take it slow and have your partner try it for a short amount of time to see if it's something you might enjoy. Maybe watch some porn together if you find your mind wandering back to your anxieties.

While letting your partner give you oral sex is far from the only way to have great sex, if it's something you wish you were more comfortable with and want to explore, consider seeking help from a sex therapist. They may be able to help you unpack your aversion and give you further tools to conquer it.