Love Languages: Myths & Misconceptions

Love language is a relatively new term coined by Gary Chapman in his 1992 book, "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate." Since the book's publication, asking about someone's love language has become a commonplace question to ask as you're getting to know a potential partner.

Chapman names the five languages as: words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, quality time and physical touch. But like all well-intentioned and helpful advice, the notion of love languages has become shrouded in all kinds of confusion.

Here are some common misunderstandings and the facts to dispel them.

Myth: Figuring out your own love language is the most important step.

Reality: Identifying your own love language, and that of your partner, is important, but it's really just the beginning of your journey.

Many people believe that the concept of this relationship tool is to learn what you need and what to ask for from your partner. But the emphasis of love languages is to learn how to give your partner what they need as much as it is asking for what you need.

In other words, once you know what you need from your partner to feel loved, you need to learn what they need and you should expect to give as much as you receive. For example, asking for more words of affirmation or quality time for yourself is good, but expressing love in your partner's language is necessary, too.

This is daily work; definitely not a one-time venture.

Myth: Love languages must match for a relationship to succeed.

Reality: This is a common misconception. Love languages do not have to match for a couple to stay together.

The concept of love languages is more about recognizing the differences between you and your partner, and encouraging your behavior to meet the expectations of your partner. So, it's less about you and your partner having the same needs than about identifying what needs your partner has and making sure you satisfy them.

Having the same love language may make it a little easier for you to know what your partner needs, as you have exactly the same needs. But it might be exciting—even if it's a little more work on your part—to discover the strings to your partner's heart if you don't share love languages.

Myth: Knowing each other's love language means your relationship will succeed.

Reality: You might think, for example, that if you hug your partner every now and then or buy them a small gift, you're respecting their primary love language and that's all you need to do.

Yes, you should do what's necessary to satisfy their love language. But that's just the beginning, and please don't think that love languages are part of a magic pill to fix relationships. Psychologists agree that Chapman's philosophy isn't a cure, but rather an excellent tool for relationship maintenance.

Think of love languages as a way to think about your partner, empathetically imagining what they might need at any given point to feel your love for them. Even the act of continuously checking in on someone goes a long way toward creating a lasting and intimate relationship.

Myth: Love languages excuse certain behavior.

Reality: You've heard people say something like, "I can't help it, I'm an Aries," as an excuse for bad behavior. In the same way, some people may try to blame their shortcomings in a relationship on their love language, thus shifting the blame to something they couldn't help because of their psychological makeup.

Nonsense, of course. Unlike astrological signs, your love language is not handed to you because of when you were born, where you live or anything else. It is your own discovery of how you perceive love, and your expectations of how that love should be expressed to you. There are no behavior traits associated with your love language, and likewise for your partner.

Knowing and respecting your partner's love language is a wonderful tool to help couples move through the world together and create a lasting relationship. But like all relationship tools, this is not the cure-all that makes everything perfect.

In the end, remember that every relationship is different and therefore requires different tactics, compromises and tools for success. But, all in all, love languages are recommended as a relationship maintenance tool that might just work for you.