Soft, horizontal and hidden away in your bedroom, the mattress typically sees more action than any other piece of household furniture. As a reoccurring presence in your lovemaking, your bed can either enhance or hinder sexual activities based on factors like bounce, sagginess, squeakiness and type.

There are effectively five major types of mattresses and, full disclosure, I've only had sex on two and a half of them. So to authoritatively explain various sexual acts on the remaining options, I did the next best thing to seducing new mattress owners outside of a furniture store: I went in to test them for myself—albeit partnerless and fully clothed (in soothing pastel tones that I hoped said, "Please don't arrest me for pretending to have sex in your mattress store").

But the experience of apologetically pretending to fornicate with an invisible person beneath the bright fluorescent lights of a mattress store isn't quite the same as the real thing, I realized after several minutes of self-conscious bouncing, kneeling, thrusting and rolling. (To their credit, the fine salespeople of Denver Mattress in North Austin, Texas, were polite and unfazed.) And so to supplement my unorthodox research, I sought advice from