Why Scheduling Sex Is Actually Sexy

For many established couples, the aspirational idea of a return to spontaneous, passionate sex is the holy grail. You and your partner lock eyes and link up in lustful grandeur reminiscent of those first few dates, almost out of the blue as some sort of primal, foundational reaction.

The reality and logistics of that are much easier said than realized. There’s this little thing called life that often gets in the way and has led to fewer couples having regular sex.

“We were already in a sex recession before the pandemic and it’s just skyrocketed since,” said Dr. Nan Wise, a neuroscientist, licensed sex therapist and the author of "Why Good Sex Matters: Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-Filled Life." Americans were having sex about nine fewer times per year as of the early 2010s compared with the late-1990s, noted a 2017 Archives of Sexual Behavior paper. And depending on your preferred metric, sexual function and activity are down worldwide since the Covid-19 pandemic began.

Fortunately, one of the best ways to improve this sexual deficiency is simple: Schedule it.

At first tug, scheduling sex sounds as romantic as strategizing fixes for your partner’s snoring issue, but when both parties put in the effort, placing sex on the calendar helps build anticipation and excitement. It’s something to look forward to that you both have set aside time to enjoy.

Sex is a necessity for a healthy relationship

One of the key things that makes sex so vital for people is the ability to connect with another person as part of the brain’s Seeking System. It releases hits of dopamine that were once thought to power feelings of reward, but Wise cited newer views that suggest this system focuses more on people’s wants and what they crave.

"Pleasure is not a luxury,” Wise said. “It’s a necessity for a properly functioning and emotional brain—and the emotional brain drives everything. Like other mammals, it’s the core system that we’re wired into.” On top of the sexual rush, that dopamine release offers an excellent opportunity for self-care, reducing stress levels, overall balanced brain function and much more. So marking off some alone time for you and your partner is simply a healthy habit to get into.

It’s a chance to improve communication with each other

Scheduling sex offers an opportunity to reestablish waning connections between partners during a dry spell, and it can deepen a bond between couples who feel the need to liven things up. "It’s sexy when people recognize the powerful intention to prioritize it,” Wise said.

If you’re finding that your relationship communication has been a bit lacking, talking about and scheduling sex can be a great way to bring back life into those stale lines.

Schedule non-sexual time, too

The mere act of coordinating schedules can go right to bedroom activities or it can begin as a way to simply spend time together. Wise encourages her patients to do the former, even if it’s something as simple as an evening walk or a shared hobby. If you and your partner started with the latter, you might find that scheduling time in the bedroom is a welcome bit of organization and one that leads to renewed spark throughout all aspects of your relationship.

Above all, scheduling sex is an opportunity to detach from the world and reconnect with the one you care about most. “People are in the same room all of the time now and are looking at their (phones) instead of each other,” Wise said. “(It’s time) to unplug from your devices and plug into each other.”