Managing the Emotional Impact of Infertility

Most people likely enter adulthood with preconceived notions about the road to parenthood, shaped by the stories they’ve heard from their families as well as from popular culture. Familiar tropes include surprising one’s partner with a positive pregnancy test, feeling the baby’s “first kicks” in the womb and raiding the pickle jar at midnight to satisfy an odd food craving.

But what happens when we learn that these moments aren’t going to be a part of our story?

Managing fertility expectations

Infertility is a reality for many men and women. Problems with ovulation are the most common reasons for infertility, followed by sperm cell irregularities.

While people can modify certain lifestyle factors associated with infertility, by achieving a healthy weight or quitting smoking, for instance, there’s no way to control other causes: age, genetics and underlying health conditions.

Coming to terms with the idea that pregnancy isn’t going to happen on its own (or at all) can lead us on a journey of disappointment, full of sadness and grief over the dreams that won’t come to pass in the ways we imagined.

Loneliness & infertility

Compounding the disappointment brought on by infertility is the stigmatization—real or perceived, intentional or not—that pushes many couples to face this issue alone. Even though 12 percent of women ages 15 to 44 have trouble becoming or staying pregnant, many feel ashamed or uncomfortable about sharing their difficulties and seeking support.

As friends, siblings and cousins grow their families, couples may feel like no one understands or relates to the isolating pain of infertility.

Furthermore, other people often lack the ability to say the right things when we need them the most. Well-intentioned loved ones may jokingly apply pressure or give unsolicited advice about getting pregnant to couples who prefer to keep their journey private.

Perhaps even worse are the insensitive comments that follow after an individual or a couple discloses infertility or a pregnancy loss. People may make suggestions or encourage struggling families to bury their feelings with phrases like “stay positive,” “give it time” or “don’t worry so much.”

Although well-intentioned, these phrases invalidate any feelings of grief an individual or couple experiences in association with infertility and pregnancy loss. As a result, sufferers are pushed further away from their go-to support system.

How to show support

If someone close to you is struggling with fertility issues, it can be tricky to know how much space to give them. While you don’t want to press sensitive topics, you still want to make it known you’re available when needed.

Perhaps the best course of action is to state explicitly your willingness to lend a listening ear. When the opportunity arises, be conscious of your words and avoid judgment or invalidating phrases. Reflect on the emotions the other person is sharing and let this person feel heard. Encourage professional help if you sense that depression is becoming an issue.

Finding new hope

Fully embracing a new fate, whether that includes in vitro fertilization, adoption, surrogacy or simply not having children at all, can be challenging, especially if we don’t first grieve the loss of our initial expectations.

Whenever we experience a denial of our original hopes or plans, it’s normal to feel grief. This process should not be brushed over; we must walk through it directly. “Feeling our feelings” lets us move into the next chapter with a proper mindset.

When friends and family say the wrong things, try to give them the benefit of the doubt; understand that they simply may not be equipped with the right tools to be supportive. A qualified counselor with infertility experience may be a much better candidate to offer the compassion and support you need for a successful journey forward.