How Porn Can Impact Your Sex Drive
"Can pornography add some spice and excitement to a relationship?" asked Jessica Steinman, a licensed sex addiction and marriage and family therapist at Westwind Recovery in Los Angeles. "Absolutely."
"On the flip side, can it be detrimental to sex drive and libido?" Steinman continued. "Absolutely."
Frustrating as these two polarizing answers may be, porn itself is polarizing. "In my experience writing about erotica and pornography, the reception is mixed," said Liz Klinger, a certified sex educator and cofounder/CEO of Lioness. "Some are open to learning what's out there, and some are repelled by the topic entirely."
"Some freely admit to enjoying porn, others keep their preferences between them and their web browser. Some kill their sex drive with porn, others rev it up," she added.
Can there be too much porn?
Let's start by imagining just how much pornography is being consumed. To quote some recent stats from Pornhub, one of the internet's largest porn sites, there were more than 42 billion visits in 2019 and more than 109 billion videos were watched in 2018 (that's more than 14 videos for every human being on the planet). That's almost 6 billion hours of video on just one porn site.
Is there such a thing as someone indulging in too much pornography? Some people—including those Steinman treats for porn and sex addictions—struggle with their sex drive and libido because of their extended use of porn.
"When people watch a lot of pornography, the way they react to sex with someone in 'real life' changes," she said. "When does porn become too much? Only you can answer that, and you can only answer that for yourself."
People have conditioned themselves to achieve excitement and orgasm from porn and not their partner.
Research concurs, and so does sex and dating coach Myisha Battle, who explained that this disconnect between porn and in-person partner sex can skew expectations, potentially impacting satisfaction. "This points to a failing of current sexual education to inform users of pornography that it is sexual entertainment, [and] not necessarily what they should expect from sexual partners," said Battle.
In addition to lowered satisfaction, those who watch porn often also suffer from a lack of sexual arousal and functioning during partner sex. Klinger explained that people have conditioned themselves to achieve excitement and orgasm from porn and not their partner.
Bring on the erotica
While some could see negative impacts from a frequent porn habit—like the 45.3 percent of adolescent men ages 16 to 21 who reported erectile function issues in a 2016 study—others may experience an upswing in their sex drive. Battle most often sees the upturn in "vulva-havers," who usually have more limited experience with pornography compared to cis men, citing discomfort with mainstream porn and its representation of women.
What's popular on Pornhub isn't everyone's cup of erotic content tea. Mainstream porn can often be centered around a heterosexual male gaze that is unfriendly or outright hostile for some women, causing a rift between the sexes regarding porn.
"On some sites, it can be hard to manage what you expect to see," said Klinger. "If there were more different types of erotica and pornography out there that people knew about, some stereotypes of men, women and pornography usage could be very different."
The good news, though, is that there's more diversity than ever in terms of types of accessible porn, from body types and kinks to written, audio and visual. "The variety of erotic content out there is so much more than what has trended on Pornhub before," explained Klinger.
In general, the more you think about sex, the more you increase your sex drive—the "use it or lose it" theory applies here—and pornography, in its many forms, can assist with that once you find a genre you enjoy.
Perking up partnered sex
Porn doesn't have to be a solo activity. Some couples benefit from sharing what they like to watch, or even watching together. Klinger recommends filling out a "yes/no/maybe" list—an inventory of different preferences, positions, acts to try—and comparing notes of what you like, what you definitely don't like and what you're willing to try.
If there are mutual yeses on your list that you have yet to try, porn could help lead the way. "For some of the things you are less familiar with, you can check out pornography together to see what it's like and talk further about it," said Klinger.
Of course, you can also keep your porn more personal.
"For others, pornography is a way to tap into fantasy and novelty that they would rather keep private," Battle said. She points out that porn can sometimes be used privately as an escape from a relationship, and in other instances, one partner may encourage the other to use porn to take the pressure off of sex in the relationship and alleviate the stress of mismatched libido. "Each couple can discover what feels best for them, sharing or staying private," she added.
A happy ending?
So, does porn kill your sex drive? It depends. If porn is lowering your libido or your ability to enjoy partnered sex, maybe close out your private browser and start examining your relationship with porn.
Has porn skewed your expectations of in-person partner sex? Are there certain sexual acts you enjoy represented in porn that you could introduce in partnered sex?
However, if porn is increasing your sex drive and helping foster a healthy sex life, unzip your pants, press play and enjoy the ride.
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