What Is Your Porn Use Doing to Your Relationship?

Amy, a 29-year-old in Los Angeles, has been with her partner, Dave, for seven years—and for almost the entire time, Dave's porn use has been a serious bone of contention. He's been in a 12-step program for his habit for more than five years, and Amy said porn has "actively harmed" their relationship. He'll "basically satisfy his need for sex by watching porn," she said, so the couple rarely have sex, and Dave sometimes cancels plans with Amy because he's tired from watching porn all night.

Once, after an otherwise pleasant trip together to Yellowstone National Park, Dave kept Amy waiting more than an hour for a date because he was trying to sneak in a pre-dinner jerk session. "I felt humiliated and sad and hurt," Amy said. "It felt like we'd had a really nice trip, and then the second we got home he couldn't wait to get back to porn, because obviously that was more interesting and important to him than I was."

Difficulties with a partner's porn use are common, regularly showing up in agonized questions to advice columnists and exasperated forum entries. In other cases, though, couples report positive results from introducing porn into their relationship, including increased desire and sexual exploration. "Almost 10 years later, porn has saved our marriage," gushed pseudonymous author Ivy Aaron in an op-ed for Chatelaine about pornography's upside. "Well, it's helped, anyway. And I'm grateful for it."

For people who believe porn should be a secret and solo pleasure, the idea that you could openly introduce it into your relationship, and that it could actually improve your connection, might sound strange. But plenty of couples are learning that with honest communication and clear boundaries, if you bring porn out of the shadows—say, by asking your partner to share their favorite clip with you and returning the favor—the results can lead to a varied, intimate and even efficient sex life. "Watching some light entertainment while getting a little jim-jam on after the kids are asleep makes sex more exciting for both of us," Aaron continued. "It also, quite frankly, speeds things along."

So which is it: Will porn damage your relationship or can it actually be a force for good?

The answer is as frustratingly inconclusive as it is obvious: It depends. "I do not have a stand on whether it's harmful or helpful, because it can definitely be both," said Elise Franklin, a Los Angeles–based psychotherapist. "It's so complicated, but generally, if anything in your life is causing issues in your relationships, it's worth looking at."

The complexity of this question is borne out by research results: A study published this year in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy about the impact of porn use on relationships revealed a diverse range of experiences. Most participants indicated that porn use was neither entirely beneficial nor detrimental to their relationship, mostly because it had no effect (about 35 percent of the responses suggested this). The next-largest group (about 26 percent) reported negative effects, with feelings of inadequacy or insecurity being the most common downside.

A smaller, but still significant, chunk (just shy of 10 percent) reported beneficial effects, with diversification of sexual experiences being the most frequently cited upside. "Sometimes we find things to try that could spice things up a bit," read one participant's response.

The idea that you could openly introduce porn into your relationship, and that it could actually improve your connection, might sound strange.

One of the reasons it's so difficult to pin down a black-and-white answer to the question of whether porn helps or harms a relationship is that it depends on so many variables: Is the porn use secret or is it out in the open? What kind of porn is being viewed, and how often? Are both partners using it or just one? Do the individuals involved see porn as immoral or as no big deal—or do they hover in the gray area between these poles?

"If [porn use] is going to interfere with a relationship, it's going to interfere with a relationship for all sorts of different reasons," said Kris Taylor, Ph.D., a pornography researcher at the University of Auckland in New Zealand. Naturally enough, whether porn will help or harm your relationship "depends on what your relationship looks like," he continued. "Within some relationships, it would definitely harm it because the introduction of pornography would be seen as infidelity—or as creepy."

As with most aspects of coupledom, porn use is less likely to do damage if there are open channels of communication about its use, and if each party feels like their viewpoint—pro or anti—has been heard. "In any relationship, the introduction of a new sexual element that's not agreed to by the parties involved is going to cause conflict," Taylor said.

For Amy, the problem isn't that Dave's porn use is secretive or newly introduced—it's that it makes her feel dispensable. "I felt like I wasn't good enough because he was more interested in porn than in an actual person," she said. Worse still, because Dave knows Amy hates his porn use, he withdraws from the relationship after his binges. "He knew it hurt me a lot, so when he felt guilty, he'd be really distant," she continued. "I would feel really disconnected from him."

For clients in Amy's position, Franklin offers tailored advice depending on their circumstances. "It really depends on the issues presented by the client," she said. "For some people who struggle with controlling their partner's behaviors, I might stress acceptance of their partner's own private sexual life, and encourage the client to find their own." For clients who are feeling disconnected from their partner, Franklin would "encourage more sexual play [and] curiosity together, and unifying sexual experiences—maybe even watching porn together."

Though Franklin's recommendations are context-dependent, she also has some words of consolation for anyone feeling insecure because of a partner's porn use: "One thing to know about our sexuality and turn-ons is that they're deeply wrapped up with our sense of taboo and our fears. Our sexuality is a playground for our forbidden feelings. Knowing that can help partners understand that porn is not a direct reflection of what people wish they had in a relationship."