Where Does My Desire Come From?

Editor's note: Some sources for this article requested their full names and locations not be used.

Though there's obviously a gray area, for the most part, typical desires such as admiring a nice penis, making out with a crush or pleasuring women aren't considered fetishes. So when I recently met a cute boy at a bar who whispered to me that his fetish was giving women pleasure, I raised an eyebrow. While my first thought was "Hell ya, this one is a giver," my second thought was "Is that even a fetish?"

Nazanin Moali, a sex therapist in California, described a fetish as the "eroticization of an object or body part that others would not consider to be sexually relevant." Specifically, common fetishes include body parts (feet, legs), objects (shoes, underwear), activities (smoking, sneezing), bodily fluids (urine, scat) and acts done to the body (shaving, bondage, piercing). This is slightly different than a kink, which is an umbrella term that includes all less common sexual desires, including BDSM, group sex, cuckolding and more.

People with fetishes are often stereotyped as being so fixated on their fetish object that they don't enjoy varied types of sexual experiences. However, most people can enjoy sex without incorporating their fetish, though it does add extra spice for them.

Fetishes are relatively common. A 2016 study from the University of Montreal reported that about half of the people interviewed were aroused or intrigued by at least one type of fetish.

Many people remember their first encounter with their fetish and finding it unexpectedly exciting. This begs the question: How do folks come to develop any particular fetish?

As with many questions about the human body, the answer is multifaceted, and we don't fully understand the causation. However, some theories may further explain how a fetish can develop.

Sexual conditioning

One way a fetish can develop is through sexual conditioning.

"During childhood, when a sexually charged context is paired with an object or a body part, it might lead to the development of a fetish," Moali said.

Say you have a massive crush on your teacher, who wears stockings. After seeing your teacher in stockings every day for a year, your arousal toward her is transferred toward the visual image of her stockings. Going forward, you may get aroused when you see other people in stockings because it hearkens back to the arousal once caused by your teacher.

The power of the mind to sexualize previously neutral stimuli has been empirically shown. For example, research published in the International Journal of Comparative Psychology indicated men could be conditioned for arousal by pairing erotic stimuli with nonerotic stimuli. The men were shown images of naked women immediately followed by images of boots. After enough pairings, sexual arousal was conditioned in the participants and, eventually, they became aroused at the sight of boots. The pairing of the naked women and the boots was so strong that weeks later when participants were shown just the boots, they still experienced some arousal.

A 1999 study published in Behavior Modification journal found the same results with pennies, hypothesizing that almost anything can become sexualized.

Although conditioning usually develops after several pairings, if someone has a particularly stimulating experience during a critical stage in sexual development, it can create a fetish.

Desire alignment

Some kinky people may develop a fetish for something that aligns with their likes, values or personality. For example, Calvin, of New Orleans, has a cast fetish, as in an orthopedic cast.

"I believe my interest comes from thoughts of sympathy, empathy or compassion," Calvin said.

In other words, if you enjoy helping people who are struggling or you get excited by being helpful, developing a cast fetish may be a natural extension.

"If I go spiritual about it, there may be a connection to my innate desire to be a mother and the feeling of power that goes with creating life," said Anna (a pseudonym) about her pregnancy fetish. "Another important piece of it is that I have fertility issues, so there's a chance I never will get pregnant, and being able to at least pretend is better than nothing."

Brain overlap theory

There are neurological explanations for how fetishes develop. Specifically, arousal caused by feet is one of the most common fetishes, and neurologists have a theory as to why this may be.

The brain has a sensory map showing each body part that experiences a sensation, known as the cortical homunculus. On this map, the feet and genitals are beside each other. It's been argued that due to slight neural misfirings, these adjacent brain areas may experience overlapping activity, causing the genital arousal to become linked to feet in some people.

This potential link was discovered by a 1998 study published in Brain journal. Researchers were studying lower-limb amputees and found some people experienced sexual sensations from their phantom foot due to its proximity to their genitals in their sensory map.

Gross-out theory

When you're turned on, you are less bothered by things you would otherwise find gross. For example, picking up a stranger's underwear sounds gross, but once you are aroused, you would be less bothered by it, generally.

A 2012 study published in PLOS One found that after watching erotica, university students were more open to sipping from a cup with a dead insect in it, putting their hand in a bowl full of used condoms and engaging in other behaviors people may find undesirable. You might be familiar with the feeling following an orgasm when you ask yourself "WTF was I just watching? and that is because your ability to detect disgust has been turned back on.

Evolutionarily, we often needed to be able to reach arousal in dirty conditions where there were no showers and people weren't always clean.

Fetishes and kinks will continue to change and evolve with our culture. They can develop in several ways, and there is a lot to be learned when understanding the basis of fetishes. It is only natural to try to understand where fetishes come from while asking yourself "Why am I kinky?" Perhaps more important is working on accepting your unique desires and the desires of others, and finding a way to explore them in a fun and consensual manner.