Giddy Presents The Naked Truth: Should I Be More Kinky?

I'm an AASECT-certified sex therapist and licensed professional counselor-supervisor, based in Austin, Texas. I've been in practice for 14 years, including working in corporate settings, higher education and private practice.

If you have questions you want to be answered in future columns, send me an email at askgiddy@getmegiddy.com. Privacy in all matters of intimacy is very important to me and any questions answered in this column will be entirely anonymous.

Enough about me, let's talk sex.

I'm worried I'm not kinky or pretty enough. I like this guy and he always makes comments about other women he's been with and the fun stuff they did together. He brings up lingerie and outfits I wouldn't normally think to buy or wear. He even seems pushy about his ideas toward threesomes and all of this talk makes me feel bad and second-guess myself. What should I do? How can I just feel like I am wanted by him?

Ann-Marie in Washington, D.C.

It can be very difficult to have a connection with someone and feel unworthy of that person at the same time. We all seek sexual pleasure and play unique to our own orientations and experiences.

I think a huge portion of this question derives from the need for affirmation, positive feedback, sincerity and collective growth within yourself rather than the opinion of your partner. I am also happy to make some fun recommendations around playful attire and healthy sexual communication with a partner.

Most importantly, though, my answer is about you and consent.

I've been put in many situations where I think my play and or sex partner is trustworthy and my friend. My big turn-off comes from statements that remind me of what my inner critic shouts at me every day: "You need to be more."

I think the idea of bringing up exciting and comparative parts from previous sexual experiences is manipulative and emotionally cruel to people who are present in the moment. There's nothing wrong with your partner liking his previous experiences of a wild child in bed.

But the key word here is "previous." Currently, his present focus is on you—it better be—and what he enjoys during sex with you. If he's hinting at playful outfits you may look good in or a position during sex that would be fun, it may be OK as this could be an initiation to healthy sexual communication.

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Regardless of gender identity and sexual orientation, I think all of us question our sexual integrity, and the deeply buried cause usually stems from our need to feel wanted and be accepted. Sexual play is about pleasure. If your partner is willing to bring up sexy outfits and is willing to learn your size and purchase them for you, this may be a sign of bonding. At the same time, recommendations such as attire, toys and positions need to feel organic to you without making you question who you are and what brings you pleasure.

Threesome suggestions or pressure to have one make no sense to me. This is imperative to further discuss as you and your partner are free to explore what is sexually appetizing to the play moment. If bringing in a third sounds fun to you without any reservations or threat to your dynamic, then take some time to talk and consider what you each want out of this idea. If, when you broach the topic of adding a third, the intuition to run strikes you, listen.

This part of your question sounds more like a playtime idea, but if it turns into a requirement for them, then this is your time to abort the mission and tell them this is not the right sexual fit for you.

I once tried to impress a partner by buying some stupid clunky shoes I would never normally wear so he would find me more sexy and kinky at concerts. With each pair I tried on, I felt more jealous of his previous partner and less confident about myself and became lost in second-guessing who I was. I was even triggered by the brand of the shoes, knowing she—someone I was informed was better than I was at all kinky sexy things—had those shoes purchased for her at a concert they attended.

Insecurities, triggers, hurt and pain are not emotions that should be a part of our sexual exploration. This is not consent and it is certainly not pleasurable or fun.

Stay true to your voice, your identity, your needs and your wants. It's OK you don't fit the expectations of this guy you like. If you want to be more adventurous sexually, then you will know when and with whom. Otherwise, respect yourself and your identity.

You are always your own expert. Don't let anyone deter you from that.

Again, I'm not shy, so feel free to ask me anything. Remember, this will always be anonymous. If you have any questions about relationships, sexual activities or your partners, let me know. Tell me your first name and the state you live in so I can attribute your question. Please email me at askgiddy@getmegiddy.com. We will always respect your privacy.