How Someone Who Enjoys Vanilla Sex Can Satisfy a Kinky Partner

Dating is complicated for a variety of reasons, but when it comes sex, there's no divide as fundamental—or as fundamentally frustrating—for couples as the one that people think exists between kinky and vanilla sex.

"The term vanilla sex comes from the BDSM world," said Carol Queen, a kink and sex expert, cofounder of the Center for Sex and Culture and staff sexologist for Good Vibrations. According to Queen, it's a label that's typically used to describe sex that seems traditional, meaning no extra fantasies, roles, sensations or deeds that seem beyond the pale.

Kink, on the other hand, is a whole different ball of wax—or rope, if you ask David Singer, a Los Angeles–based licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in kink and polyamory. "Kinky is anything that's not in a straight line," he said. So, think of it as a piece of rope: It has twists and bends and it may not be perfectly straight when you try to lay it out. It can be anything you want it to be—and that's part of what makes it so exciting.

Because of how different kink and vanilla sex seem on paper, the notion of finding a bridge between where you and a kink-leaning partner can meet might seem impossible. But the truth is, great sex has all kinds of flavors. It's not impossible to find the perfect soft-serve swirl to satisfy you both.

Define what kinky and vanilla sex really means

To connect with a kinky partner, it's crucial to first understand what kinky and vanilla sex even mean in the context of your own experience. Both are open-ended and loosely defined because neither is too far off from the other, really—it all comes down to perspective.

Of the two, vanilla sex has the persona of being more "old school," Queen noted. "But people who act as though it actually is are being rude and sex-negative. Vanilla's a very delicious flavor, plus you can put sprinkles on it."

Conversely, kink is something that is constantly in flux. Although the idea of it may instantly conjure up images of whips and chains, that's not what kink looks like to everyone. As recently as the 1970s, oral and anal sex were considered extremely kinky, Queen explained.

One person's kinky sex can easily be another person's vanilla, and vice versa. Until you start talking with your lover, these labels alone aren't much to go by. If anything, just going by labels is liable to create a big divide.

Establish a sex inventory checklist—and create a sex menu

Regardless of where you fall on the kink spectrum, talking about sex can be intense. For many, it can be potentially triggering too, bringing up past traumas, insecurities and/or fears surrounding rejection. Couples should consider discussing sex early in the relationship but approach their initial conversations gently and in the most nonconfrontational ways possible.

That's how a list can help you get started. "If you're starting to have a sense that you and your partner are in different worlds sexually, a yes/no/maybe list can be really helpful," Singer said.

Also known as a sexual inventory checklist, a yes/no/maybe list is a way to establish what you will and won't do in the bedroom, and you can find templates online or create your own. To get the most benefit out of it, each person should fill out their own, Singer recommended. Together, you can use it as an opportunity to showcase the full range of your unique sexuality as it exists for you, and establish hard limits, i.e., sex acts neither you nor your partner want to explore.

Once you've finished your checklist, you can start to build a sexual menu, which can encompass all of your mutual likes, dislikes, and things you might be willing to try together. If you also approach it as a living document that you continually update together, you can help avoid "sex stasis," which is a big issue, particularly for long-term relationships where couples don't do regular check-ins, Queen said.

Negotiate a scene—but do it safely

Boundaries can be essential for building mutual trust and easing into new types of sexual activity. If it's your first time dating a kinky partner, you might have ideas that kink is all about impact play, role reversal or other BDSM-centric acts. While that can be true for some, getting kinky or borrowing from the community to add some spice to your own bedroom activities can be much simpler than that, Queen noted.

According to her, most responsible kinksters don't go from zero to 100 with a partner who's new to kink, and they won't move immediately into a "scene"—that is, a pre-planned space where kinky sexual activity takes place. Rather, they negotiate it by going slowly and using clear, open communication.

The negotiations for a scene can be written down in advance and are separate from a sex menu or sexual inventory checklist, because they relate to one sexual encounter in specific, and typically not a whole range of them. It's a great opportunity to establish a safeword, which Singer recommends you use in the event that you start to feel overwhelmed. Hitting a pause on things—which is what the safeword accomplishes—should never make you feel bad, as it can be an act of self-care and also a way of expressing care and respect for your partner.

Be radically honest—but don't forget to be kind

Relationships are a home for most people's sexuality to live in and you can't substitute one for the other, Queen said. Even after you've done your first scene, it's important to keep talking with your partner, so you keep feeling safe in the connection.

In this way, radical honesty—a philosophy that encourages people to share the full truth with one another, no matter how brutal it might be—can be a good approach, as it'll help you and your partner avoid illusions about the other and stay in tune, especially when talking about sex.

However, Singer urges couples to still be kind and tactful, as you never know what might be a load-bearing wall for a partner in terms of their own intimate wants and needs. "[Talking about sex] is a very emotionally naked place to be," he said. "If you're having a strong reaction to something, it's understandable, but it's important to not be critical and to try and hear what the other person is saying, too."

Having different sexual tastes from a kink-leaning partner doesn't mean you'll ultimately part ways. No matter what, it's important to show respect for your partner's sexual tastes. It can open you up to a whole new world of pleasure and possibilities.