Giddy Presents The Naked Truth: Can I Rebuild Trust In A Relationship?

I'm an AASECT-certified sex therapist and licensed professional counselor-supervisor based in Austin, Texas. I've been in practice for 14 years, including working in corporate settings, higher education and private practice.

If you have questions you want to be answered in future columns, send me an email at askgiddy@getmegiddy.com. Privacy in all matters of intimacy is very important to me and any questions answered in this column will be entirely anonymous.

Enough about me, let's talk sex.

I don't lock my phone, as I know my girlfriend likes to check on my texts and email. I'm not cheating or anything but I'm worried about trust issues here. Clearly, my girlfriend doesn't trust me. I am a bit flirty with others but I don't think she should worry about that. How can I rebuild the trust we had?

Susannah in Massachusetts

Back in the day, if we felt suspicious about our partner cheating, we would have to go all "stalker mode" and throw the dogs and kids in the car while following them around like a private investigator. But now that we have the technology, it makes it way too easy to fall victim to our suspicions—valid or not.

I want to address your question by first looking at the following: trust vs. privacy and respect, communication styles and mental health.

We are all entitled to personal space and privacy, and that should be inclusive of how we respect each other in our relationship. Privacy on devices may include the type of porn you watch—a healthy, amazing sexual relationship should feel open and safe enough to disclose that anyway—financial information, or work-related confidential conversations and emails. You get to choose what privacy looks like to you. The idea of trust relates directly to what you may be intentionally not disclosing, and this is where clarity is key.

Communication styles and personalities can sometimes clash, so if your partner is requesting to investigate your devices, try not to be dismissive. I've been in relationships where trust was broken or I felt betrayed, not just by them cheating on me or buying drugs, but in ways that I intuitively felt excluded from their lives.

My curiosities led me to feel threatened by any connections my partner was making because, in reality, he wouldn't open up to me about truths. He masked most of his life by controlling the narrative and by telling me what he wanted me to know but not what I needed to know in order to trust him.

I encourage you to ask your partner what they are truly missing and how they feel fear, anxiety or doubt. You should especially check in with what they feel is creating a gap between the knowledge they have and the knowledge they think they are missing.

Some of us are just private. Some of us hide parts of our lives due to guilt and shame. Some of us are in a bind due to choices we've made that would in fact be offensive to our partners. Seeking clarity and having an honest discussion with yourself first may be helpful to navigate the true root cause of the "need to investigate" your devices.

Finally, we all have a past, and for some, that past comes with insecurities, unresolved trauma, abandonment, betrayal and undiagnosed mental disorders. Having a flirty personality doesn't make it rational to assume you are cheating, you and your partner should talk about it if feelings of betrayal are being triggered. Affirmation and reassurance help, but you have to pay attention to patterns of control and power.

Overall, trust is an emotion commonly viewed differently from person to person based on unique factors such as their family, culture, emotional security and attachment, and safety. Have the conversations, learn more about the nature of the mistrust and attempt to provide the information your partner is seeking.

Nobody gains anything from looking at the phone. You'll either find stuff that causes grief, have your suspicions affirmed without directly talking to your partner, or feel even more suspicious because you didn't find what you were looking for, which can exacerbate the anxiety.

Again, I'm not shy, so feel free to ask me anything. Remember, this will always be anonymous. If you have any questions about relationships, sexual activities or your partners, let me know. Tell me your first name and the state you live in so I can attribute your question. Please send me an email at askgiddy@getmegiddy.com. We will always respect your privacy.