Can You Cheat and Stay Together?

Khloe Kardashian had finally forgiven Tristan Thompson for his cheating scandal and was ready to have another child with him via a surrogate. And just when they found out they were pregnant, the world discovered Thompson had also gotten another woman pregnant.

The latest, according to fans, is they are back together and quietly going strong. Meanwhile, TMZ is reporting they're "not back together" at all and they're simply just "really, really good at co-parenting."

Sure…

Kardashian and Thompson aren't the first—won't be the last—public figures to seemingly survive infidelity.

For couples who survive infidelity, what is their secret? How can you trust a cheating partner again and repair your broken relationship?

Why do people cheat?

A study published in October 2017 suggested about 15 percent to 20 percent of married couples cheat. It's also been indicated that only 24 percent of marriages survive after infidelity, according to a survey conducted in 2021 by Health Testing Centers.

Before you forgive and (try to) forget your partner cheated, you'll want to understand why they were unfaithful. Typically, there isn't a simple answer.

"It's often a complex mix of factors," said Laura Wasser, J.D., a family law expert in Los Angeles and the chief of divorce evolution at Divorce.com. "It could be dissatisfaction with the relationship, a need for validation, a response to stress or major life changes, or even just opportunity."

Cheating is rarely about the act itself, but what it represents or the feelings it provides.

Often, people cheat when the idea of greener pastures on the other side takes over.

"Sadly, relationships with another person with whom you are not living, running a house or raising kids is without a doubt, far more exciting," said Liz Nissim-Matheis, Ph.D., a clinical and school psychologist in Livingston, New Jersey. "It's about having fun and flirting and everyone is on their best behavior. So the grass does seem greener.

"Cheating is rarely about the act itself, but what it represents or the feelings it provides. Understanding this doesn't make it OK, but it might help in addressing the root issues."

How do you move forward after cheating?

To move forward as a committed and monogamous couple after a partner cheats, both partners need to understand why the infidelity occurred in the first place.

"The partner who cheated must take complete responsibility for their behavior and work on an action plan to ensure it never happens again," said Avigail Lev, Psy.D., the founder of Bay Area CBT Center in San Francisco. "This entails addressing underlying issues, seeking therapy or counseling, and making necessary changes to prevent a repeat of the behavior."

In addition to owning up, the partner who cheated should be able to show genuine remorse and be willing to make amends. It's also important that the person who was cheated on express their feelings without placing blame or attacking their partner.

"It's a tightrope walk and professional help like therapy might be needed," Wasser said. "But remember, no relationship can move past infidelity without a shared willingness to heal and grow."

Signs your relationship won't survive infidelity

Not every couple is strong enough to overcome cheating, especially because infidelity is often behavior that marks the beginning of the end of a relationship.

If you notice the partner who cheated is not showing true remorse, seems unwilling to change, continues to cheat or refuses to have an honest conversation about what led to them cheating, these could be the harsh signs your relationship is in "serious trouble," according to Wasser.

On the other hand, if the person who was cheated on can't seem to forgive and is "consumed by resentment and mistrust, it's probably an indicator that things may not improve," she added.

"If either spouse feels that they cannot trust the other spouse, if they're not comfortable being intimate, and if there is resentment and anger, then the necessary rebuilding cannot happen," Nissim-Matheis said.

Is a monogamous relationship going to work?

Perhaps the person who cheated stepped out because they don't want to be in a committed relationship. If that's the case, the cheater should be honest with themself and their partner about what they really want.

"Identify what you need to be happy in your relationship," said Jay Serle, L.M.F.T., Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist and the clinical director of the Ohana Luxury Rehab in Kahului, Hawaii. "Communicate your wants and needs to your partner. Working on strengthening your communication with your partner is important after infidelity."

If you're married, it's important to decide if you want to stay married.

"Often there were clear signs of discontent prior to any disclosure of cheating but they were ignored," said Tom Murray, Ph.D., an AASECT-certified sex therapist and the author of "Making Nice with Naughty: An Intimacy Guide for the Rule-Following, Organized, Perfectionist, Practical, and Color-Within-the-Lines Types," in Greensboro, North Carolina. "While the aggrieved partner is never responsible for the cheating, they may have played a part in co-creating a context where it was possible."

How can you prevent them from cheating again?

If you decide you want to move forward with your relationship, you'll want to make sure they won't cheat again.

"However, this doesn't mean setting more rules or watching your partner like a hawk," Wasser said. "It's about fostering a relationship where both parties feel valued, heard and fulfilled."

She said this means creating a safe space for open and honest conversations about each other needs, feelings and fears, while also nurturing your connection with affection, shared experiences and quality time.

It is possible to move forward as partners in a successful relationship, if you're both on the same page about the future.

"It's about creating a relationship that both parties cherish too much to risk," she said.

"Both should commit to identifying and completely resolving any conflicts that come up before they turn into arguments, as these resentments can make the cheater vulnerable to cheating on their partner again," said Mark Goulston M.D., a Los Angeles-based psychiatrist and the author of "The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again…and Stay There." "If this ends up triggering angry statements, each person must commit to keeping talking until they're talking from the hurt, disappointment and fear underneath."

Married couples, in addition to hiring a couples counselor who is an advocate for the relationship, should sign a post-nuptial agreement that outlines the consequences if an affair happens again, according to Murray. Doing so can get both parties clear about the risk factors impacting the relationship.

He recommended the cheater should not put the blame on sex addiction or porn addiction.

"Doing so diminishes the cheater's responsibility and distracts the recovery away from the hurt of the betrayal," he said.

Can my relationship survive cheating?

It's possible to move forward after infidelity as long as you can fully understand why your partner cheated and you use that as a foundation to address the root issues of your relationship.

The cheater must take responsibility for their behavior and be willing to do what it takes to ensure it won't happen again. The partner who was cheated on needs to listen and express their feelings without attacking their partner.

This is a difficult balance and involves a lot of work from both parties, which often results in a broken relationship. However, with a good attitude that includes honesty and trust, the right therapeutic tools and efforts at good communication, and being on the same page for what you want as a couple in the future, it is possible to move forward as partners in a successful relationship.