Let's Talk Boundaries Around Porn Consumption in Relationships
It's no secret that porn is easily accessible in all forms—videos, images and erotic writing—on the internet. And most people have consumed it: 91.5 percent of men and 60.2 percent of women reported consumption of pornography within the previous month, according to a 2020 study. Despite being extremely commonplace, porn is still viewed with disdain by many people.
"There are some unfortunate stigmas and misconceptions around porn because of the way our society is with anything sexual," said Tabetha Mumford, a sexual wellness and pleasure advocate in Texas and owner of #PartyTab, a sexual health brand. "Religion, sexism and racism have deep roots within our societal views of everything, including monogamy and pornography."
Porn can be an especially sore subject in relationships, particularly if one partner consumes it and the other doesn't. Some principles people hold in relationships can paint porn use as neglect, unfaithfulness or unethical behavior.
However, the ethics concerning porn use are not that cut and dried. What's appropriate for one person or couple may be different from what's appropriate for another. The most important assets when determining porn's place in your relationship are communication and a willingness to dissect your emotions surrounding it.
Is watching pornography cheating?
Whether watching porn constitutes cheating depends on the parameters you've established within your relationship and how you define cheating. If no parameters have been established, but your gut reaction is "Yes, that's cheating," explore the reasons your partner uses porn.
"There are many reasons why certain people consider watching porn to be cheating," said Carli de Ville, a sexologist and psychotherapist based in Texas, and host of the podcast "Naughtylicious." "The most common reasons I hear while working with clients include jealousy and discomfort in someone's partner finding other people sexually desirable, discomfort with feeling like things are being kept secret, feeling inadequate or not enough to sexually fulfill your partner, and the belief that once someone is in a relationship, they should only have eyes for their partner."
Monogamy culture perpetuates the idea that when you find "the one," you won't need anything from anyone or anything else. However, it's normal and natural for humans to get their various needs, including sexual, met by multiple sources.
The professional advice? Don't take it personally.
"I always try to remind clients that their partner's porn consumption has nothing to do with them," de Ville said. "They were watching porn before they ever met and they would be watching it regardless of who they were with. Their porn consumption says absolutely nothing about how in love, in lust or attracted they are to their partner and is not a sign that they want to be intimate with other people."
Managing expectations
Though porn consumption is often harmless, it's important to discuss your partner's use with them if you feel it's creating unfair ideas of what their, and your, sex life should look like.
"Some valid concerns about porn might include creating unrealistic expectations," Mumford said. "These expectations can be about the way bodies should look or function. For example, in many porns, women are portrayed to easily orgasm from penis penetration. In reality, about 1 in 10 women in the United States has never had an orgasm. About 3 in 4 people with a vagina cannot orgasm from penetration alone."
Communicating your needs in the bedroom is a vital part of every sexual relationship. If your partner expects you to behave a certain way in bed based on the porn they're consuming, it's of utmost importance to make your needs known and draw the line between what you are and aren't willing to incorporate from porn. If anything, porn should enhance your personal experience, not script it.
"I like to tell my clients to find a healthy balance and consider porn and masturbation as a side dish and sex as the main course," de Ville said. "If you spend too much time snacking on the side dish, you might be too full to enjoy the main course. The main thing I want couples to do is prioritize the relationship's sex life."
The benefits of incorporating porn
One way to work through sensitivities around porn is to use it to your advantage. Many couples watch porn together to get in the mood, get ideas and enhance their sexual experiences.
"Some benefits of pornography might include arousal," Mumford said. "It can be totally hot watching others experience and give pleasure."
Furthermore, porn can ignite arousal for a mutual masturbation session, which can be a very intimate and vulnerable activity between partners, especially if you have felt intimidated by your partner's masturbation habits in the past.
"In addition to the benefit of arousal, mutual masturbation is a great learning tool because you can literally see where and what kind of stimulation your partner likes," Mumford said.
As with every aspect of relationships, communication is all-important. Though there are many ways to think about porn and incorporate it into your sex life, having similar views to begin with might be the best way to avoid future problems.
"It's all about communication," Mumford said. "One of the things that determines compatibility is having common beliefs and morals. Knowing each other's stance on porn consumption is something that should be discussed pretty early in the relationship. Sexual compatibility is part of overall compatibility."
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