Navigating the Dating Scene When You Stop Drinking

Driving to my first, first date as a newly sober person, I was nervous—and understandably so. For one thing, I was going in stripped of the time-honored antidote to a lame first date (get drunk enough to make it not lame*).

For another, it was arguably way too early in my recovery to be dating. Prevailing 12-step wisdom dictates you wait at least one year before starting to date someone new. But there I was, meeting Benjamin, the nonprofit founder, only a tender couple of months after graduating from Willow Springs addiction treatment center, the scent of rehab-issue laundry detergent still lingering on my ironic D.A.R.E. T-shirt.

For yet another thing, the date was at a bar. And for a final thing, I was running a characteristic 35 minutes late.

"Wanna preorder a drink?" Benjamin texted me, innocent of the weight his question carried. As soon as I came to a complete stop at a traffic light,** I messaged him back to request a "Topo, plzz"*** and quickly hit "send" before I could change my mind about ordering a water.

Benjamin, who had finally plunged into my DMs to ask me out like a gentleman after several months of stalking me on Instagram (which I found romantic and flattering), was seated at the bar with the Topo Chico I'd requested, himself drinking a beer. Within the first few minutes of conversation, I drew some quick conclusions about Benjamin: A) He probably wasn't an ax murderer; B) His hair looked sexy blowing in the bar's outdoor misting fans; and C) He was already curious why I was drinking only Topo Chico.

After he ordered a second round, and I asked for another of the same, Benjamin's curiosity bested him. He came out with it: "So, uh, you aren't drinking?"

"Nope," I said.

There was a pause. I realized that if this courtship were to progress, as I was beginning to hope it would, I needed to be honest. But how honest? Did I tell him I'd just gotten out of rehab in July? Did I tell him that only a couple of weeks ago, I'd had a relapse so gnarly that my sister was no longer speaking to me and my dad had to come into town, flying to Austin, Texas, from California at the last minute and rushing to my apartment pale, frightened and wielding herbal tea? Did I reveal to him, in other words, that I was basically a living, breathing, characteristically 35-minutes-tardy, Topo Chico–chugging red flag?

Sober dating questions and answers

Such questions are not uncommon among people recovering from substance addiction as they dip their toe back into the dating world, said Kendall Campbell, an Austin-based marriage and family therapist who specializes in addiction.

"These are honestly some of the biggest conversations I have with clients," he said. "'When I'm jumping back into the dating pool, how do I announce—do I announce—that I'm in recovery? Or do I grab the proverbial Solo cup?'"

Valiantly attempting to answer these lofty sober dating questions, here's what he had to say.

Should you announce you're in recovery?

Leading with "Hey, I'm an addict" may seem unsexy or off-putting, especially if you are on a date with a "normie," as Campbell calls people without an addiction.**** Nevertheless, he said, it's important to be upfront about your recovery—and not try to disguise it with excuses.

"[People in recovery] worry it will be a deal-breaker," Campbell explained. "So they go out on dates and create a different narrative. They'll say, 'Oh, I'm just not in a drinking mood.'"

But he warned that trying to mask a substance addiction is not only disingenuous but impractical.

"It's like being hearing-impaired but acting like you're not," he said, adding, "Recovery is a lifestyle. It's something you have to live. It's something you have to actively engage in."

When and how do you reveal that you are in recovery?

"However and whenever you choose to reveal that you are in recovery—be it on date one or date five—do so with confidence," Campbell said.

He encourages you to get comfortable saying, "This is where I'm at. I'm not drinking because I'm in recovery." Ideally, you should say this with the same confidence and security as you would deliver information like, "I grew up in Idaho." ("Though, obviously, it's a bit more meaningful," he allowed.)

Should you avoid going on dates at bars, parties and other events where alcohol flows?

Dating in early recovery can be particularly challenging because you are still figuring out what you're comfortable with and what will trigger you. You might not be certain, for example, whether you can meet your partner at a bar and not be triggered. You might not know yet whether you can go to dinner or a wedding or a party where other people are drinking and not feel uneasy.

"If you try and jump into a relationship early on without this knowledge, it's not that you can't succeed," Campbell said. "It's just that you and your partner will both be discovering what you can handle at the same time."

For fledgling lovers, Campbell recommends having an authentic conversation about potential triggers during the early stages of courtship.

"If you're still figuring it out, explain, 'I want to be comfortable around alcohol right now, but I'm really not sure how I feel yet,'" he said.

Let's say you do meet your partner at a bar, wedding or party, and it turns out to be a little more challenging than you thought. What then?

"You're allowed to not be comfortable. You're allowed to struggle a little bit," Campbell explained.

He used another comparison: "A person who all of a sudden gets hit with food poisoning isn't going to try and muscle through it. They're going to say, 'Hey, I don't feel good, I probably need to get out of here.'"

Do you have any advice for the other person—the one who's dating someone in recovery?

For partners on the opposite end—ones who have a romantic interest in recovery—Campbell offers this advice: "The best thing I can tell you is to be curious. Curiosity is what is going to provide the opportunity for their partner to share a bit about themselves and to be honest and authentic."

Similarly, if you have your own reservations about dating a person recovering from alcoholism or substance use disorder, Campbell advocates for early honesty here, too.

"I can't tell you how many times I've worked with a couple who had a negative experience with a father or uncle or friend in recovery and it shaped how they view alcoholism or recovery," he recalled. "When you have conversations and treat this like a new experience, you not only get to work through your own issues or previous history, but you also get an opportunity to strengthen the relationship with the partner you're pursuing."

The thrilling conclusion to my first sober first date

For those of you waiting with bated breath, my first, first date as a sober person was, by all accounts, not a disaster: I didn't relapse. (Not even after a jittery, lockjawed stranger approached me while Benjamin was in the bathroom and tried—with surprising persistence—to give me free cocaine. True story!)

Nor did I tell Benjamin I was a human red flag, though I did explain that I was recently out of rehab and he—noble nonprofit founder that he is—responded with curiosity and kindness.

And no, I didn't get a kiss at the end of the date (we gave up and got into our cars after a hesitant, giggly parking lot shuffle), but I did get a glowing post-date follow-up text: "You are super funny and SOBER, Maria Cristina. Looking forward to part deux."

* And if all else fails, pretend to suddenly remember I have to pick up my sister at the airport.

** I might've been off drugs, but still needed to kick my equally dangerous texting-and-driving habit.

*** For the uninitiated, Topo (short for Topo Chico) is a $3-a-bottle, nonalcoholic sparkling water imported from Mexico, popular among the hip, expendable-income-havers of Austin, Texas.

****I call them "Muggles."