Masturbating Against the Patriarchy

Growing up in a relatively conservative society like Tunisia in North Africa, sex and pleasure have always been rather taboo, especially as a subject discussed between adults and teenagers. When it's time to have "the talk," many (if not most) parents explain to their kids the broad penetrative sex process and leave it at that.

Sexual pleasure was never openly discussed because it's considered indecent and immoral. So, as a typical Tunisian tween, I had the idea sex was a process in which men were the sole actors whose actions women were meant to endure. I wrongly believed the main goal of sex was men's pleasure, regardless of whether their counterparts enjoyed it or not. Due to the absence of sex education when I was growing up—which as of 2020 is now taught in primary schools here—I just didn't know much about sex.

Despite this, though, the young feminist in me knew something was wrong with the vision my society apparently held about this concept.

My initial revelation

At the age of 13, I discovered something that confirmed my doubts. It was a summer day, and I was lying on my bed ready for a nap. I felt discomfort, an itch near my genitals. Naturally, I rubbed the area long enough to get some relief. That's when I noticed something unusual.

Although I felt the discomfort was gone, a new sensation permeated my body. I didn't know what it was but nevertheless, it felt good. Intrigued by this foreign sensation, I wanted to try it again, and this time it felt even better than the first time. So I continued to enjoy this discovery.

Then came a reality check that brought me back to Earth: I was touching a forbidden zone in my body, meant only to be covered and used by some man I'd meet sometime in the future. Though I didn't fully understand or appreciate what had just happened, I felt ashamed of the pleasure I had "endured."

In the days following, I tried to forget the experience in an attempt to ease my conscience. However, I found myself intuitively driven to continually touch the forbidden zone that brought me pleasure so I could relive the experience. Although these actions and feelings were unknown to me, I felt like the contentment resulting from the action wasn't foreign to my body or mind at all. Rather, it was vaguely familiar, buried within me, waiting to be laid bare.

At last, it had a name

I was excited about my discovery and needed to understand it deeper, so I Googled and found a magic word: masturbation. After some research, I learned that masturbation was a natural and healthy activity and the safest way for a person to pleasure themself.

Being newly informed gave me a sense of control and made me more confident about what I was doing. However, the influence of the patriarchal society in which I lived still weighed heavily. During the first couple of years of masturbating, I found myself in a constant inner conflict between pleasure and guilt. It was a battle between traditions and nature, and by necessity, the latter won.

Masturbation has had many benefits for both my physical and mental health; it was the main regulator of my mood and helped me often with my anxiety and stress. Since self-stimulation involves much body discovery, it allowed me to feel more comfortable in my own skin, and thus, more confident. Once, when I was 16, a friend of mine told me I looked radiant and then stereotypically assumed I was in love and had a boyfriend. While I couldn't tell her the real reason behind my well-being, I became more sure of masturbation being an important element of a healthy lifestyle.

It became an open secret

As a senior high school student, I was talking with a group of my friends one day. Somehow the topic of masturbation was brought up; some boys asked if girls masturbate. They were surprised when we gave a positive answer, but what stunned them more was that we experienced pleasure when masturbating.

"I didn't know that girls could feel this kind of pleasure," one boy remarked.

I explained to him that the clitoris has about 8,000 nerve endings in its tip alone, double the number found in a penis. Finally, it was time and we all had a heart-to-heart conversation. The girls at the table discovered many of us were masturbating, a topic we would never have normally discussed for fear of judgment.

For many young Arab women like me, pleasuring ourselves is still a dirty secret because of the stigma around immodesty. Although masturbation allows us to feel free within our bodies and understand our needs and preferences, we don't talk frankly about them to our partners.

I feel that I've come a long way. I know now that sex and pleasure shouldn't be taboo topics. And that open discussion between parents and children will allow for a generation of sexually healthy adults who are able to enjoy balanced relationships.