Why Every Woman Needs a Sex Manifesto

We live in an age where we create roadmaps for our professional goals and vision boards for our five-year personal aspirations, but what about the state of our sexual health? It might be time to write your sex manifesto.

What is a sex manifesto?

Regarding our sex lives, we might still believe that sexual chemistry is king. And just like in the movies, if you and your partner have that "magical spark," your physical connection will be instant, and you'll enjoy hot, pleasurable sex for the rest of your days together.

Not quite.

In our culture, women are [often] sexualized, but they are generally not taught to value their own sexual pleasure, explained Laurie Mintz, Ph.D., author of "Becoming Cliterate" and "sexpert" for LELO, a sex and pleasure manufacturing company based in Gainesville, Florida. Mintz describes a striking illustration.

In the common baseball metaphor of sex, girls aren't even in the game—they are the field the game is played on, as pointed out by Peggy Orenstein, the author of "Girls and Sex." "Add to this the fact that women's genital anatomy and women's pleasure are not covered in sex ed, as well false and misleading images of women's pleasure in movies and porn, and it's no wonder women are having less pleasure and fewer orgasms during sexual encounters than men are," Mintz said.

Roughly 22 percent of women said they never experience orgasm during intercourse, as indicated in a 2019 survey conducted by the Kinsey Institute. Women have historically been stripped away for their own pleasure, said Genevieve Rudolph, founder of the Orgasmic Arc.

"We've been taught that we must give our pleasure to others or to find a false sense of arousal in order to get or maintain love," Rudolph said. There are many reasons why a woman may want to consider a sex manifesto or roadmap.

What should a sex manifesto include?

A sex manifesto might include clear and specific statements outlining rules, requirements and boundaries for sexual encounters and acts of pleasure, said G Stone, SBNNL, a clinical sexologist, certified master sexpert, and dating, relationship and sexuality coach based in Brooklyn, New York. It's also a commitment to yourself on how you want to show up intimately for yourself and others, Rudolph said.

"Include vows that you have towards yourself in terms of how you want to experience your sexuality, your pleasure and any agreements that you want to make for yourself so that you have something to align you with sexual decisions moving forward," Rudolph said. "Creating a sex manifesto can be a liberating act which empowers women to embrace their sexual sovereignty and pleasure," Stone said.

What should you consider as you write your sex manifesto?

While it largely depends on your own needs, desires and path, according to Stone, to create your sex manifesto or roadmap, start with the following as they relate to your sexuality, sex life and erotic nature:

• Beliefs
• Values
• Goals
• Intentions
• Affirmations
• Priorities
• Rules
• Requirements

Consider the following questions, too:

• Is there an arrangement or sexual position you've always wanted to explore in the bedroom?
• Any fantasies you'd like to have played out in real life?
• Are there negative beliefs or stigmas you'd like to dispel?
• Are there any negative or traumatic experiences you'd like to heal from?

"Creating a sex manifesto is also a great time to think about the nuances of your sexuality and incorporate information about what gender[s] or identities you want to explore and experience pleasure," Stone said. You can also include goals such as embracing the idea that your sexual pleasure is as important as your partner's, working toward not faking orgasm and learning sexual communication skills and applying mindfulness and being present to your sex life, Mintz said. Consider including affirmations and agreements for the energies and mannerisms that you want to start bringing into your life, Rudolph said.

"I vow to follow my breath and emotions when I'm exploring my own body," or "I agree to slow down and check in with myself regularly when I'm making love," she said.

How can you get started with your sex manifesto?

You have plenty of things to consider. But where are other sources to enhance your sexual manifesto? We have a few ideas.

Journal

To begin crafting your sexual roadmap or manifesto, start with journaling. Create a safe space to express your desires, wishes, insecurities, worries and concerns. Research has shown that journaling can boost both mental and physical health.

For people with anxiety and depressive symptoms, journaling led to an improvement in well-being, suggested a 2018 study.

Consider your present self vs. future self

Devising a sex manifesto is a great opportunity for self-discovery and thinking about wants, needs and desires that may have been neglected in the past, said Stone.

What did you enjoy in the past and want to experience again? What could you do without?

"From there, think about your present self versus your future self. Then craft bold, actionable statements that speak to who you are, what you want and like, and the ways in which you want to experience pleasure along with any rules or boundaries," Stone said.

Read sex-positive books

Brush up on your reading of sex-positive books and follow sex-positive influencers on social media, Mintz said. They can inspire you and offer you ideas on what you might want to include in your manifesto.

Try different methods for authenticity

The manifesto has to come from an authentic place that's deep within yourself. Use a method such as Orgasmic Arc™ to self-pleasure before you create one, Rudolph said.

The method includes six steps to reach orgasm:

• Safety
• Intrigue
• Directionality (aka the act of meeting yourself fully and completely)
• Openness
• Beingness
• Expression

"It helps me tap into my body and helps me find my true sense of self," Rudolph said. "From here, I can trust that the desires and boundaries that I have come from an emergent place rather than a responsive one."

The bottom line

Whatever you end up including on your sex manifesto, know that, just like your own sexual and erotic needs, wants and desires, it's an ever-evolving vehicle to map what you want in your sex life. Consider it as providing guideposts to help you stay in touch with your wants and goals.