How Can You Choose Safe Words That Don't Give You 'the Ick'?

We all know how important consent is to ensure sex is safe. But it's also a key part of making sex enjoyable, as trust and communication are what generally allow people to properly relax during the experience. This is part of the reason safe words have become so popular, not only within the BDSM community but for anyone who is interested in experimenting sexually.

What is a safe word?

Generally, a safe word is a word or phrase that you and your sexual partner(s) have agreed to use as a signal to stop whatever is happening. It's frequently used by people who practice BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism), as these relationships tend to involve power dynamics that might blur the lines of traditional consent. In other words, expressing you don't like something isn't necessarily a sign that you want it to stop.

While it's important to have conversations about what you're comfortable with before engaging in sexual activities, it's common for something to happen during sex that you might not have discussed before, so a good safe word is a way of ensuring you can consent or decline without saying "yes" or "no."

"Safe words are meant to be an easy-to-remember method to let someone know when you withdraw consent around a certain type of erotic play," explained Ness Cooper, a clinical psychologist and therapist in the United Kingdom.

It makes sense that the kink and BDSM community have their own language of sorts, as developing a niche vocabulary is common in communities, particularly those that are marginalized.

"In-group terms and language foster group identity; they signal that they're part of us, they're part of the community," said Veronika Koller, a professor of discourse studies at Lancaster University in the U.K. "It can often be about reclaiming language. It can even be about reclaiming terms of abuse, which we see in a lot of marginalized communities."

Why have a safe word?

Cooper said safe words can be powerful for people who have experienced trauma.

"Safe words can allow some individuals who have experienced trauma to use a quick method to say no and can hold more power for them than 'no' if consent has been ignored in the past," she explained.

It's a good idea to have a chat with new partners about using certain lingo before you have sex. First, define what a safe word means for you: Is it a signal that you want to stop having sex completely or just stop what's happening right now and talk about it?

"Take your time when deciding on boundaries and understand that yours and your partner's boundaries may change over time, so be prepared to talk about them again in the future," Cooper said.

Then, crucially, you need to choose a safe word. You might choose a different word with different partners or you could pick one to use consistently. Either way, it can be tricky to find one that works for you. Of course, the word has to be something you wouldn't usually say during sex. However, if you pick a word that is very unusual, it might be difficult to remember or saying it might even turn you off.

Tips for choosing a safe word

The choice of a safe word for sex is an individual endeavor, or shared by a couple. Even so, the question of "What is a good safe word?" can be answered using tips from the experts.

Use a common word

There are a number of words that are widely used within the BDSM community. "Red," "pineapple," "banana," "orange" and "peach," are some of the most common safe words, according to a survey by Lovehoney, an adult store based in Australia.

"Red" is a well-used safe word because the "traffic light system" is a common way to ensure consent. In this case, "red" generally signals that you want what is happening to stop and "yellow" means you want to lower the intensity or change what you're doing slightly.

"You have a mental concept of red as a particular color," said Koller, explaining that another reason this is a good safe word is that we subconsciously associate it with stopping, thanks to traffic lights.

Don't overthink a good safe word

A safe word for sex is supposed to be something you can easily remember and say off the top of your head, so try not to pick a word that's too complicated, long or even one that you've thought about too much, as you might find it difficult to recall.

"Easy to say and easy to remember is always best," Cooper stressed. "I've met some individuals who use extremely long safe words that feel a bit like an encrypted password, and these can sometimes be miscommunicated or difficult to say quickly when a play scene needs to end."

A good start is to think about everyday objects, maybe ones you can see right now, like "book" or "plate." It can also be a good idea to pick words that are only one syllable so they're easy to say quickly.

Avoid choosing a word that turns you off

Although safe words are designed to bring a particular sexual experience to an end, most people avoid using words that turn them or their partners off or give them "the ick" feeling. You don't necessarily want to have negative associations with the entire sexual experience or with this particular partner just because you've used your safe word. After all, sometimes you might use your safe word simply because you need a break, not because you're not enjoying what's happening.

"Maybe it's an old cartoon character from your childhood, a food you simply can't stand, the name of an ex or [a word] associated with an unhappy memory; these are all valid reasons to feel put off a particular safe word," Cooper said.

Experiment with your safe word

You don't have to choose one safe word for life. Plus, it can be a good idea to change your safe word over time or with different partners, as they might remind you of negative experiences or people you'd rather not think about during sex. But if you've found a word that works well for you, then there's no pressure to change it.

Consider a nonverbal 'safe word'

As well as having a verbal safe word, many people also decide on a gesture or movement that signals they want what is happening to stop, in case they forget their safe word or are unable to speak for some reason.

Again, this needs to be a movement or gesture you wouldn't usually do during sex in order to avoid confusion. Clicking your fingers is a common "safe sign," or you could also agree on squeezing your partner a certain number of times to signal that you want to stop.

Overall, choosing the best safe word for you is an intimate bond between you and your partner. Having a conversation can ensure trust and commitment to safer sex without any turnoffs.

"People use words which have meaning to them and may be different to what others may choose," Cooper said. "Some will pick words that hold a connection that's important to their relationship or play dynamic."