How Can You Maximize Your Sexual Pleasure in Times of Stress?

Everything is temporary in life: crises, joy, sadness, pleasure, good sex, unsatisfactory sex and dry spells. And let's not get into climate change, political divisions, the war in Ukraine and the price of gas. (Did I mention the pandemic?)

These have been difficult years and many of us have felt the pressure. Thus, it's not uncommon if your libido has been diminished by these instances of uncertainty, confinement or economic stress.

However, there are approaches to life and sex that can get us going again.

Sex = fun

People who consider sex a leisure activity have enjoyed more satisfying sex during periods of crisis and have found more creative ways to do so, according to a study published in the journal Leisure Studies in October 2022.

The sex-as-leisure mentality provides people who possess that mentality with more resilient sex lives that include greater increases in desire, quality, frequency and variety, suggested the study researcher, Liza Berdychevsky, Ph.D., a professor of recreation, sport and tourism at the University of Illinois in Champaign.

The study predicted whether a couple's sexual relationship deteriorated or thrived, according to their perception of sex as leisure, for purposes such as relaxation, recreation or self-gratification. The researcher surveyed people from Canada, the United States and the United Kingdom, concluding that mindset affects sexual attitudes, inhibitions and practices.

Your mindset and perception of sex are the key

"Our attitudes and perspectives usually have an impact on our ability to enjoy ourselves," said Erika Evans, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., an expert in human sexuality, marriage and family, with a practice in Philadelphia. "And this doesn't just relate to times of crisis but in general."

The perception of sex as a leisure activity that focuses on pleasure and not goals sets the stage for you to enjoy behaviors you're engaging in, Evans said.

"Sex evokes all sorts of neurochemicals that foster a feeling of connection, attachment, bliss, relaxation, etcetera," said Kelly Wise Ph.D., L.C.S.W.-R., a sex therapist and the founder of Wise Therapy in New York. "It can also be the glue that holds us together when times are tough."

Evans initially asks clients about their perception of sex's purpose. She said they express a variety of reasons that range from power and procreation to pleasure and all things in between.

"Very often, when people identify use language like joy, bliss, stress relieving, fulfilled, aerobic and fun in relation to their sex lives, then there's a higher likelihood they also lean more as pleasure being the purpose and see it as a leisure activity," Evans said.

Using your creativity for your sex life

"Creativity is about thinking outside of the box, coloring in and outside the lines and being open to the possibilities," Evans said. "It's literally an act of exploration and discovery. So when this is combined with sexual expression, then it will naturally lead to a more satisfying sex life."

Berdychevsky asked respondents in her study about three different factors they have as coping mechanisms for sex as leisure:

• Attitude. Having sex for pleasure, being playful or relieving stress.
• Behavior. Trying toys, new positions or activities such as sexual role-playing.
• Technology. Sexting, watching pornography and geo-social networking apps.

Some of the most revealing facts she found included:

• 59 percent watched porn alone and 17 percent with a partner.
• 31 percent took erotic photos or videos.
• 41 percent tried new sex positions.
• More than 20 percent indulged in long-suppressed sexual fantasies.
• 26 percent explored sex toys and aids.
• 25 percent exchanged erotic notes or emails.
• 13 percent tried sexual role-playing.
• 18 percent engaged in bondage and domination.
• 14 percent participated in phone or webcam sex.

"Being creative sexually presents an opportunity to integrate fun, playfulness and play into the behavior," Evans said.

Similarly, a survey by eharmony's Dating Diaries published in February 2023 indicated activities such as role-playing, massage, different positions, sex toys and watching porn were on the rise as a creative form of intimacy.

The priority for many is their personal life over their professional life right now, and that correlates with the 38 percent of respondents who said they feel burned out by their job.

Before getting creative, check the balance

Recent experiences can make you feel like you're a reluctant participant in a nonstop race, which may jeopardize your sexual health.

If you choose to ignore problems, your relationship is likely to be impacted and your partner may begin to resent you.

Ensure balance in your relationship first.

"Make sure each partner is carrying an equal portion of the stress," Wise said. "Sex can get off-track because one person feels they are carrying more than their fair share, and then that person can feel like sex is another 'to do' in the relationship."

Sex should never become a 'to do.' If it reaches that point, it will water down sex's positive effects, he added.

"When sex gets off track, it's difficult to get in on the rails again, but the longer it goes, the more challenging it is, so keep that in mind," Wise said. "The elephant [in the room] gets larger."

Time to play and time to talk

While ignoring challenges may seem to be the easiest option, it's not the optimal approach for your overall well-being or your relationship. An avoidant attitude could lead to problems that escalate over time.

The best strategy is to find the space and time. Sex shouldn't be an escape route to avoid talking about problems, but you shouldn't forget about sex either.

If you're struggling with finances, for example, Wise recommended you make a meeting time outside of the home (if possible), keep conversations with your partner to no more than 90 minutes, stick to the allotted time and limit financial talks to those meetings, so it doesn't bleed into your day-to-day life.

"Similarly, set intentions for sexy time, which doesn't necessarily need to lead to sex," Wise said. "Try activities that bring joy, playfulness, flirting and levity, and see where that leads you."

Some of the activities you can try with your partner if your pressure involves finances include:

• Cuddle by the fireplace.
• Dance to your favorite songs by candlelight.
• Make gifts about the experience and not about the money.
• Surprise your partner with a picnic.
• Take a walk in the park.
• Watch each other's favorite movie again.

Take that first step and give it a try

"If you have concerns about enacting the creative ways you are starting to think about sex, taking the step and discussing your sexual imagination—and where it takes your mind and desire—is a fantastic starting point to ways of integrating creative sexual behaviors into your life," Evans said.

Many people experience a low sexual desire as a natural response to personal problems and external stressors. Know that it's possible to change your approach to maintaining healthy and satisfying sexual relationships.

Find meaningful ways to enjoy sex that work for you.

Everybody is different. You shouldn't add more stress to the relationship with an activity you dislike. However, along the way to discovering what turns you on and what doesn't, give the experience a chance and discuss your preferences with your partner.