What in the Heck Is Goblin-timacy?

Would you rather spend date night curled up in a weighted-comforter cocoon, eating takeout and watching Netflix than going out to an overpriced and awkwardly lit restaurant?

Are you tired of spending hours primping and preening to put your best uncomfortably clad foot forward on dates that just aren't worth it?

Do you find "Shrek" more romantic than "Casablanca"?

Did you answer "yes" to any of these questions? Then "goblin-timacy" or "goblin-mode" dating might be the trend you've been waiting for.

Goblin-timacy—like the trend that inspired it—is all about being yourself and prioritizing your wants and needs above societal expectations.

If you're wary this is just another example of Rule 34 of the Internet—it states, "If something exists, there is porn for it"—don't be. You'll be pleased (or disappointed, no judgment) to discover this content is G-rated, and not G for goblin.

Goblin-timacy entails being authentically and unashamedly you, flaws and all.

Where does goblin-timacy come from?

To understand the trend, it helps to know the backstory.

The term comes from "goblin mode," the 2022 Word of the Year, according to the Oxford English Dictionary. This was the first Word of the Year chosen by a public poll, and it received 93 percent of the vote. It was defined as "a type of behavior, which is unapologetically self-indulgent, lazy, slovenly or greedy, typically in a way that rejects social norms or expectations."

"Goblin mode speaks to an emerging mood of feeling, not just sick of influencer culture but feeling and acting completely unhinged as a reaction to it," said Esme Blegvad, an artist who created an "unintentionally but arrestingly autobiographical" visual depiction of goblin mode, on the "Polyester Zine" podcast, according to British magazine Glamour.

The antithesis of the saccharine "cottagecore" trend that flourished in early 2020, goblin mode and its companion aesthetic, goblincore, celebrate ideas, objects and behaviors that fly in the face of conventional attractiveness and societal expectations. They are the trends for outcasts, antiheroes and anyone exhausted by trying to live up to unrealistic standards.

"Personally, I love the concept of goblincore," said Crystal Britt, L.C.S.W., a therapist and the founder of Get Psyched Therapy in Redlands, California. "Folks get to show up as they are without the pretense of performing for someone else. This may be especially helpful for those who are neurodivergent or burnt out."

Such authenticity could set the foundation for a stronger relationship—if that's what you want.

The goblin-loving gang can help fulfill the need to belong, said Kristen Casey, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist and the owner and founder of Evolve Psychological Services in Kansas City, Missouri.

"It's important that we are able to find our people," she said. "It's helpful when we can find communities that feel safe, inclusive and relatable. Goblincore may be that community for some of us. It may provide a sense of belonging and relief from traditional societal standards and help people feel more included, especially those who live in between the binary.

"It can be quite empowering for those who are searching for like-minded individuals."

So how does all this talk of roguish fae folk apply to dating?

Whereas traditional advice suggests presenting the best version of yourself to a potential paramour, goblin-timacy advocates for an unfiltered approach. Think the opposite of kitten fishing or "Bridget Jones" with much more self-acceptance and fewer "effs" given.

Is goblin-timacy a good thing for dating?

Experts agreed that, while it could go too far, goblin-timacy is generally a net positive, especially for folks who don't enjoy the performative nature of dating. It's not that making an effort is wrong, but if you feel the level of work you're putting in is exhausting, it could harm your mental health.

Often, conscious and subconscious expectations placed on first dates can prompt people to overrepresent the traits they think are desirable, said James Miller, L.P.C., a psychotherapist in Miami and the host of the "James Miller Lifeology" podcast. This could create an inaccurate portrait of who they are and an unsustainable baseline for behavior.

"After the date, if a person has overcorrected and conducted themselves in an optimal light, this can create anxiety and fear as they know they can't successfully maintain this persona," he said. "This can be in how much money they spend on the first dates, how many rehearsed jokes they tell, how sexually robust they may be, and many other attributes that may not be sustainable. Some will break off the budding relationship because it becomes too stressful to maintain these expectations."

Aside from reducing anxiety and stress, authenticity from the start is a good way to eliminate people who aren't a good fit for you and connect more deeply with those who are, according to experts. Yes, there are exceptions, but most people want to get a feel for who their date is and what they stand for.

Showing up as your true self provides that information without the games and mind-reading that are so frequently involved.

"Authenticity begets authenticity, and it creates a safe space for whoever you're dating to show up as they are as well," Britt said.

Such authenticity could set the foundation for a stronger relationship—if that's what you want.

"Long-term benefits of authenticity include greater emotional intimacy, which research also shows leads to a more satisfactory sex life," Britt added.

How to date in goblin mode (if you want to, that is)

Going goblin mode in dating doesn't have to mean showing up in sweatpants and your Cheeto-stained high-school gym T-shirt with a résumé of your biggest flaws and darkest secrets.

Unless you want to, of course.

Striking a balance is key, Casey said. Miller noted everyone has a spectrum of how they act in various social and intimate circumstances. Just showing one facet of who you are both minimizes and bookends that trait without showing your complexity.

For example, how you behave and dress at dinner at a high-end restaurant will be different than how you present during a "Netflix and chill" moment. Embracing goblin-timacy means considering your wants and needs above society's ideals or what you think your date desires.

"If you feel that dressing to the nines is how you want to show up authentically to feel sexy, available, interested and intrigued, then show up that way for you," Miller said. "If your past dating disappointments have influenced you to show up differently, choose for yourself, and not because of your past or the expectation of your date."

How you present yourself on your dates is for you, he added. It's not for how the other person sees you.

"It's a good reminder that you are a complex person with many facets of your personality, desires and lifestyle," Miller said. "So don't cherry-pick the most self-indulgent parts of yourself to show another. Instead, show what makes sense for you at that moment in the most authentic way possible."

Goblin-timacy doesn't mean being rude or inconsiderate, experts said. Even goblins in literature may have been described as messy and self-centered, but they weren't malicious.

For instance, you don't have to agree to watch a movie you hate just to seem easygoing. Instead of insisting they choose between "Troll 2" or "Shotgun Wedding," ask them what else they're into and find some middle-ground.

And if you're not feeling the date in general, all it takes is a polite text message to cut ties without ghosting or fizzling.

The final takeaway

Goblin-timacy—like the trend that inspired it—is all about being yourself and prioritizing your wants and needs above societal expectations. It can make dating more enjoyable and less enervating and may even improve your connections and sex life.

"I would absolutely recommend clients embrace goblin-timacy," Britt said. "I love that there's a trend that's empowering folks to go against the cultural norm of putting on a face and a person that you're playing. Showing up as you are should always be the standard, in my clinical opinion."