For Jewell Singletary, who has been living with genital herpes for 14 years, it’s not just necessary to share the fact that she has a sexually transmitted infection (STI) with potential partners, it’s also a test of the integrity of any person with whom she might want to sleep.

It’s not a discussion she rushes into, but “once my values are aligned with someone, I’ll disclose (my STI),” said Singletary, a 37-year-old yoga instructor in Newark, New Jersey, who runs Gratitude Griot, a wellness business. “In turn, I expect potential partners to share their STI status and sexual health history, too.”

This is the exact approach you should take if you have a STI, says Kristen Thomas, a certified sex coach in Kansas City, Missouri. “If the person runs for the hills, this isn’t the kind of person you want to date anyway,” she said.

Have ‘the talk’ before you get intimate

You know the whole “don’t sleep with someone until the third date” rule? That’s as outdated as the expectation that guys always need to