Giddy Presents The Naked Truth: Why Do I Need Side Partners?

I'm an AASECT-certified sex therapist and licensed professional counselor-supervisor, based in Austin, Texas. I've been in practice for 14 years, including working in corporate settings, higher education and private practice.

If you have questions you want answered in future columns, send me an email at askgiddy@getmegiddy.com. Privacy in all matters of intimacy is very important to me and any questions answered in this column will be entirely anonymous.

Enough about me, let's talk sex.

I don't identify with the new terminology of polyamorous, but I know I am a good person and I don't want to hurt anyone. That being said, what are your thoughts about having a partner who lives with me but also, admittedly, I am seeing a couple of other people and I might be in love with one of them. Is there a reason I can be faithful to my partner I live with?

Betty in Iowa

I really appreciate that you know yourself and which terminology doesn't represent what you are trying to align to, like polyamory. That represents a sexual identity similar to heterosexual or gender fluid, but if polyamorous isn't what you want to be, then it's good to know that. Being introspective as to the reasons you seek more than one relationship is important for anyone who struggles with not feeling fulfilled by their current committed partnership.

I would like to break down this question into different perspectives. Rather than looking at this as cheating versus faithful, I will respectfully respond with the perspective of sustainable, long-term and fulfillment. When looking at the subjective idea and emotion termed "love," I will elaborate more on the kinds of love and attachments to others. Lastly, I will acknowledge your very important yet multi-faceted question about the reason you don't feel fulfilled—your word was faithful—by your current live-in partner.

Let's begin with the idea of cheating-versus-faithful and transition the terminology to a more sex-positive approach.

To start, someone always gets hurt in a situation of nonconsensual or unethical nonmonogamy. Your live-in relationship is under the impression you're in a serious commitment. Your "side partners" may be privy to only some knowledge, or none. Either way, I want to emphasize here that my focus is on the hurt you are enduring currently and/or in the future.

Having secret relationships serves us in some way. For some, it's the thrill, but for others, it's the darkness of self-deprecating behavior we impose on ourselves.

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Our family of origin plays a big role in how we adapt to love, sex, social situations, communication, how we get our needs and wants met, and so on. Take some time to reflect on where your ideas of love come from and how you connect and attach to people. Doing so will help you discover what you're looking for in a human that fulfills you. It will also reveal why you're seeking more than one partner at a time while facing the societal shame normally associated with that.

I have a favorite quote: "Nobody can be anybody's everybody."

This quote reflects all communities. A socially acceptable example would be that we all need a good barber, lawyer and therapist. Your primary, secondary, twice-removed whomever cannot play all of the roles you need in your life.

When examining your current live-in partner, the roles they need to play are many—between sex, love, personal attachment style, limitations, higher-end desires and then some. The reason you are seeking other partners is simple: This person does not fulfill all of your romantic, sexual, and social needs and wants to full capacity. Your job is to explore why that is, how your other partners are serving you, and how all together as a whole or separately, you still feel a sense of emptiness.

When it comes to love versus sex, let your mind and imagination run to a peak, then pull back to identify how each partner is nourishing you. Oral sex, kinks, fetishes, innocence, vulnerability—all of the things we seek. Let your intuition dictate who you feel open and safe with and circle back to the reflection of how you came to your personal sexual identity.

I would never shame a person for sexual confusion or complicated romantic choices. I think you are brave for seeking answers and are on a healthy path to finding what and who contributes to you feeling whole.

Again, I'm not shy, so feel free to ask me anything. Remember, this will always be anonymous. If you have any questions about relationships, sexual activities or your partners, let me know. Tell me your first name and the state you live in so I can attribute your question. Please email me at askgiddy@getmegiddy.com. We will always respect your privacy.