Your Fear of Sex May Be a Fear of Intimacy

Intimacy is a crucial component for any relationship, but it's especially important when sex is concerned. You don't have to know everything about someone you're having a short-term fling with, but for long-term sexual relationships, you should strive to know your partner fully. A higher level of intimacy can lead to a better relationship and much better sex.

Intimacy tends to develop naturally in all relationships: Couples weave their lives together, friends become more familiar and sexual partners open up about desires.

Of course, intimacy doesn't always occur naturally. Professionals refer to the fear of intimacy as erotophobia or genophobia. A person experiencing erotophobia can have crippling panic attacks and extreme amounts of anxiety while thinking or talking about sex, let alone having sex.

This condition can obviously disrupt your sex life. However, over a long period of time, fear of intimacy can lead to strained interpersonal relationships with friends and colleagues, and the avoidance of romantic relationships altogether.

What causes fear of intimacy?

It's difficult to pinpoint any one, specific reason a person may fear intimacy. The human mind is a nuanced, complex system and highly individualized. For instance, there are several definitions of intimacy depending on the type of relationship. There are as many as 12 types of intimacy, but we'll focus on four: emotional, physical, spiritual and mental.

"I think when you're looking at it from a couple's perspective, it's a fear of performance," said Emily Ross-Justice, a prelicensed professional in Pittsburgh with more than 2,000 hours of working with groups and individuals on their mental health. "They're asking, 'Is this going to be good enough? Are they going to perform well sexually? Are they going to please their partner?' But I've also seen fear of intimacy with the self, someone who isn't necessarily keen on exploring themself sexually."

Some of this trepidation boils down to confidence and being comfortable with yourself, she explained.

Monté Robinson, L.P.C., a board-certified counselor in Pittsburgh, acknowledged that expectations play a significant role in the development of intimacy fears.

"I think what happens a lot of the time is that people assume men have all this sexual experience," he explained. "That's not always true…and there's an expectation that comes along with that, whether it's being good in bed or knowing how to show the proper amount of affection. But really, you're kind of just shooting in the dark and looking for a response."

Plenty of myths persist about men's sex lives and, in many cases, these widely circulated inaccuracies put additional pressure on men who don't necessarily have much sexual experience. Men are led to believe their penis needs to be a certain size, they need to last a long time in bed or they have to possess specific skills to please a partner sexually.

Sex is different for everyone. Desires, passions, kinks and fetishes aren't going to be the same from person to person. Thus, pleasing a partner is not an exact science.

The role of education

Sexual anxiety exists across gender identities and sexualities. Ross-Justice pointed out that many people who question their sexuality fear intimacy because they have so many questions about who they are and what they want.

"Most of my job is teaching people about mental health, relationships and the LGBTQIA+ community," she said. "If someone's heterosexual, they might not really understand it. Maybe they want to explore their sexuality. But a big part of this hesitancy or fear of sex is people not being sure; they're afraid of the unknown."

Robinson and Ross-Justice both said couples who experience intimacy issues may also have other issues, which contribute to a vicious cycle. For example, one partner could feel insecure. A lack of physical intimacy can heighten those insecure feelings, which in turn could contribute to even less physical intimacy.

This issue is often nuanced and can't be narrowed down to one cause. Anxiety, insecurity, evolving sexuality, a lack of communication and a litany of other factors can all play into intimacy fears. However, the essential considerations are how to identify the causes within ourselves and our partner, and what to do next.

The three Cs: Communication, communication, communication

"I really think it just boils down to courageous conversations," Robinson said. "It doesn't have to be all in one conversation, but [it's about] being able to have that culture in your relationship where you are able to say, 'Let's talk about the things we're struggling with in detail so we can support each other in it.'"

Robinson and Ross-Justice have each encountered couples whose inability to communicate contributed to intimacy issues. Of course, someone struggling with a fear of sex isn't likely to have an easy time opening up about their issues. This is why both counselors have encountered circumstances where one partner may suggest therapy to work through a problem while the other partner is hesitant.

"In these situations, it's about being a mediator," Ross-Justice explained. "It's saying, 'OK, this is a topic we have to discuss. I'm here to mitigate and help you understand, in a better way, what's happening.'"

For individuals, too, the same mantra applies. You need to have open conversations about your issues to work past them. The idea of opening up to someone might be uncomfortable, but it can help to find a licensed counselor or therapist whose personality aligns with yours.