Psychotherapist Esther Perel Reviews the Other AI: Artificial Intimacy
In a timely and fascinating talk, psychotherapist, author and podcaster Esther Perel explored the impact of technology, social media and artificial intelligence (AI) on modern-day relationships.
Perel, who has spent the last four decades studying human relationships, delivered the hour-long session, "The Other AI: Artificial Intimacy," during South By Southwest (SXSW) in Austin, Texas. The Belgian-American is the best-selling author of "Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence and The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity."
AI dominates the tech news these days, but over the past decade, Perel has grown more concerned with the other AI: "artificial intimacy" or when "people supposedly are with each other but are not present."
"We have come to accept distracted attention as enough, and it is not," Perel said. "Artificial intimacy is full of disrupted connections that have become normalized and socially acceptable."
Diverse relationship arrangements—polyamory, situationships and platonic co-parenting, to name a few—all necessitate a different definition of intimacy, she said. And all are shaped by how technology is changing human behavior. Perel has been thinking a lot about how loneliness masks itself as hyperconnectivity.
Perel gave the example of a man she knew who spent more time attempting to "crack the algorithm" of his dating app to get better options than he did actually dating people.
We live in a world of curated, filtered imagery, which places us in a constant state of comparison.
"Self-esteem has become contingent on performance—performance that is measured on engagement metrics," she said. "Did I get enough likes?"
Young adults, particularly boys and men, are especially affected by artificial intimacy, according to Perel. Studies have consistently shown that youngsters being online all the time has led to anxiety and depression for girls and decreased social skills and isolation for boys.
"And we wonder why there is a growing mental health crisis," she said.
Is tech really making our lives easier?
Perel said modern technology's relentless focus on optimization has not optimized our ability to remain present.
"Much of life's challenges are not problems we solve," she said. "They are paradoxes that we manage."
Technologies that help us eliminate many of life's inconveniences have made us unable to deal with the inevitability of love and life. Constantly stroking our smartphones as we do, Perel fears we "may be smoothing life's edges to the point of flatness."
Technology that gets rid of social friction can be a problem.
"De-risking and automating life is turning intimacy into a flat commercialized process that eliminates errors," Perel said. "And it simultaneously is also atrophying the social muscles that we need to have social relationships."
This applies to sexual relationships as well.
"Trust me—I'm a sex and relationship therapist—friction is an important ingredient of eroticism," Perel said, adding that eroticism is not necessarily sex. "[It is] the qualities of vitality, curiosity and spontaneity that make us feel alive."
Intimacy avoidance is a direct result of the rise of artificial intimacy. Real intimacy lives alongside closeness and distances, trust and betrayal, and the fears we bring to love, Perel said. Stop treating dilemmas like problems that have clear-cut solutions.
Whatever decisions we make carry grief for the option we didn't choose and it comes with consequences that we must face.
"The siren song of our screens is the false promise that we can make decisions without experiencing this grief," she said.
Do not forget you are alive
Attempts by technology to remove inconvenience, pain and discomfort are leaving us unprepared for the messiness and bumps of living with another human. Real intimacy, not the artificial kind, can allow us to learn more about ourselves.
"A unique part of intimacy is that when we allow ourselves to truly meet another, we also meet new parts of who we are," she said.
Perel closed her session by driving home the point that we have all known intimacy since we were in the womb.
"For a year and a half when you were little, before you uttered your first word, you mastered the language of the body," she said. "You knew the language of intimacy—touch, smell, sight, taste and sound. Do not forget you are alive."
Click here to watch the entire 60-minute SXSW session "Esther Perel on The Other AI: Artificial Intimacy."
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