Giddy Presents The Naked Truth: How Do I Tell Her My Turn-Ons?
I'm an AASECT-certified sex therapist and licensed professional counselor-supervisor, based in Austin, Texas. I've been in practice for 14 years, including working in corporate settings, higher education and private practice.
If you have questions you want to be answered in future columns, send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org. Privacy in all matters of intimacy is very important to me and any questions answered in this column will be entirely anonymous.
Enough about me, let's talk sex.
I am into some really kinky porn and fetish material that I masturbate to and also fantasize about when I'm with my girlfriend. I don't expect her to watch it or even play out the fantasies with me, but I also don't know how to be honest and open up about what turns me on when she asks. How much do you think I should share?
Wyatt in New York
Let's be real. Sexual variety makes for great orgasms. Like it or not, deep inside, we are all still a little caveman-style horny.
What I respect most at this point is that no harm is done when kinks and fetish fantasies remain just that—fantasy. The real ethical dilemma begins when you're considering the transition from fantasy to reality.
Consent and ethical negotiation are imperative.
Most of us have been in a moment where we have a difficult time reaching orgasm and therefore let our minds drift into fun imagination, which is sexy and vibrant and ultimately leads us to the pleasure zone. An open discussion with your partner should allow for secure upfront play and role play in the mix.
People often refer to sex as "vanilla" or "kinky," but you'd be surprised to hear what these words mean to each individual when they're willing to be transparent.
In a healthy sexual relationship—whether monogamous, exclusive or anywhere in between—honesty about sexual desire is necessary. Otherwise, a dichotomy between what turns us on and how we think we're supposed to perform to certain stimuli can form.
There are no promises I can give you as to how your partner will receive what you tell them. The choice you need to consider is whether you are with the right partner who loves and accepts you, and who maybe shares curiosities and interests in participation.
Or do you really want to continue living your life in a dark shadow of secrets?
I think sustainable high-quality relationships are what we can grow and evolve into sexually and emotionally. I've worked with clients who have the most fun imaginations but their partners view what I see as "fun" as a fault. Others I've worked with feel like they are rejected or shamed for exposing their true sexual selves.
I'm going to hand the baton of expertise right back to you. It's always your choice to feel satiated in your pleasure and play. I know what is fun and feels good and right for me. I don't know that I could believe in withholding sexual desires from my partner who I am willing to offer so much to in any circumstance.
The bottom line is to be honest. Ask for what you want. It's quite possible they feel as restricted as you do regardless of their inexperience or shyness.
I repeat myself often. I am upfront, honest and direct when I talk about my wants, needs, and expectations concerning sex and affection. I don't like any of my partners to assume what I might be into. I love it when my partners are transparent with me about what they want so I can sustain a high-quality fulfilling sexual dynamic where we both feel comfortable and satiated.
The emphasis here comes from the bigger desire to create a healthy dynamic that takes very little work and gains so much organic fun and acceptance.
Again, I'm not shy, so feel free to ask me anything. Remember, this will always be anonymous. If you have any questions about relationships, sexual activities or your partners, let me know. Tell me your first name and the state you live in so I can attribute your question. Please send me an email at email@example.com. We will always respect your privacy.