Understanding Sexuality

Sexuality seems like a pretty basic concept, right? You want who you want. But sexuality isn't just about what turns you on. On a broader level, it describes the ways in which people experience attraction to other people (both romantically and physically), and also the innate sense people have of their own gender.

There are many different categories pertaining to sexuality—such as straight, gay, bi- or pansexual—but 2019 research published in the Journal of Sex Research confirms that sexuality can be fluid and can change over time, eluding easy categorization. Though it can be fluid, sexuality is not an intentional choice or something that can be intentionally changed. In many states, so-called conversion therapy is still legal, although these attempts to manipulate someone's sexuality have never been scientifically proven to work. Instead, they have been correlated with negative mental health outcomes and even increased suicidal ideation, according to The Trevor Project, which provides crisis intervention and suicide prevention services for the LGBTQIA+ community.

And while it seems weird to have to clarify this, non-straight sexualities are not mental illnesses: The American Psychiatric Association removed "homosexuality" from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM, in 1973, and also replaced "gender identity disorder" with "gender dysphoria" in 2013.

Demographics of sexual orientation

Americans tend to overestimate the proportion of non-straight people in America, according to 2019 data from Gallup, placing their estimates at about a quarter of the population. In reality, a 2021 Gallup survey reported that only about 5.6 percent of the population identifies as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender, though the number is rising year over year, and the effect is particularly pronounced among younger generations. This tendency may suggest that there is a higher proportion of people with non-straight sexual desires and attractions, especially in older generations, who have stayed in the closet due to societal pressures.

Additionally, significantly more people report same-sex attraction, and even same-sex sexual behavior, than identify with a non-straight sexual orientation. About 11 percent of Americans acknowledge they have at least some incidence of same-sex attraction, according to UCLA’s Williams Institute, and about 8.2 percent report having engaged in same-sex sexual behavior. Again, this may point to closeting and a hesitance to identify with a non-straight orientation—but also sexual fluidity over time. Gallup's recent survey also suggests that women are more likely than men to identify as LGBT, and other studies suggest they also experience more fluidity in their sexuality over their lifetime.

All of this is to say that the real demographics of sexual orientation and the number of people who are "actually" gay are mysterious data points that social scientists are continuing to uncover. Because these topics can only be researched with surveys and self-reporting, and since people with non-straight identities continue to face marginalization and discrimination in America, it seems likely that more people experience same-sex desires than identify with non-straight orientations.

Romantic vs. sexual attraction

Although it is common to assume that sexual and romantic attraction go hand in hand, a more comprehensive understanding of sexuality can be achieved by uncoupling the two. After all, some people don't experience sexual attraction (asexuality) or romantic attraction (aromanticism) at all.

When discussing specific orientations, keep in mind that these can shift depending on which type of attraction is implicated, diverging or converging and morphing over time. For example, someone could be bisexual but homoromantic, meaning they're sexually attracted to multiple genders but only romantically attracted to people of their own gender. Or you could be asexual but heteroromantic: romantically attracted to people whose gender is different from your own, but experiencing little or no sexual attraction to any gender.

Orientations

It's possible for people to identify with multiple sexual and/or romantic orientations over the course of their lifetime—and for any given individual's sexuality to transcend the boundaries of commonly known orientations—but it's helpful to have a basic lay of the land. These are some of the most common sexual and romantic orientations people identify with.

Heterosexuality: Also known as being "straight," heterosexuality describes sexual attraction between people of different genders—most commonly cismen and ciswomen, though not always.

Homosexuality: Also known as being "gay" (often in relationships between men) or "lesbian" (in relationships between women), homosexuality describes sexual attraction between people of the same gender.

Bisexuality: Bisexuality, contrary to popular belief, does not mean that bisexual individuals are attracted to "men and women." Rather, bisexual people are attracted to multiple genders—at least two, but possibly more. Because bisexual people can often outwardly appear straight if they happen to be in heterosexual relationships, they can fall victim to bi erasure, which can make them feel less connected to and seen by the queer community. Additionally, although bisexual people make up the largest portion of the lesbian, gay and bisexual population, per an analysis by the Williams Institute, they are the least likely to be out, according to data from the Pew Research Center.

Pansexuality: Pansexuality is an experience of sexual attraction to all genders, or an experience of sexual attraction regardless of gender. The overlap with bisexuality is so broad and the similarities so strong that they've spawned a fierce and convoluted debate over which word is more inclusive, if one makes the other obsolete, and ultimately, which one is "better." The fact of the matter is that what sexuality an individual identifies with is not determined so much by semantics, root words or public discussion. It's intrinsic. For some (but not all), the difference comes down to being attracted to a person of a given gender, as opposed to being attracted regardless of gender. For others (but again, not all), it's simply a gut feeling.

Asexuality: Asexuality, colloquially shortened as being "ace," means that someone experiences little or no sexual attraction to others—though they may still experience other types of attraction, including romantic attraction. Asexuality, like all orientations, lies on a spectrum; some people identify as gray ace or graysexual, which means they might experience sexual attraction rarely or with low intensity. Some asexual people do still have libidos and enjoy or feel neutral about engaging in sexual behaviors, while others are sex-repulsed, meaning they find the idea of engaging in sex repulsive.

Demisexuality: Demisexuality falls under the asexuality umbrella and describes people who experience sexual attraction only after forming an emotional bond with someone. Ace and demisexual people may additionally identify as straight, gay, bisexual, etc, or only be romantically attracted to a certain gender.

Other orientations: Even this detailed list only scratches the surface of the sexual and romantic orientations that exist. For example, dating sites like OKCupid have added categories like "heteroflexible" and "homoflexible" to describe people who are primarily attracted to one gender but have some wiggle room to explore other options. Additionally, the word "queer" can be used to describe a variety of non-straight orientations and gender identities. And since orientations can shift over time, in some ways, each person's sexuality is as unique as their fingerprint.

Relationship structures

Another aspect of sexuality is how innate desires are enacted in relationships with other people—how those relationships are organized and what boundaries and expectations are set in their contexts. Just as with inherent sexual and romantic orientations, there is a wide range of diversity when it comes to chosen relationship structures.

Monogamy: Sometimes seen as the cultural default, monogamy describes a relationship in which two people are sexually and emotionally exclusive with each other—they don't romantically date or have sex with other people while they're in the relationship, and if they do, it's usually considered cheating. Monogamy is the only relationship type officially recognized by the American government for the purposes of marriage—being married to more than one person at the same time is illegal in all 50 states.

Polyamory: Polyamory (or "poly"), as opposed to monogamy, refers to a cluster of different relationship types that all involve having more than one partner at the same time. Polyamory is not the same as polygamy, which is the practice of having multiple spouses. Polyamory is also sometimes known as ethical nonmonogamy (ENM) or consensual nonmonogamy (CNM), or "open" relationships. An estimated 4 percent to 5 percent of Americans are actively participating in an ethically nonmonogamous relationship of some sort, according to research gathered by Psychology Today, though a much higher proportion—about 20 percent of the population—has tried polyamory at some point.

There are many different types of polyamorous relationships that may or may not involve different levels of emotional commitment, depending on where in the hierarchy a given partner stands. Some common forms of polyamory or ethical nonmonogamy include:

• Solo polyamory, which refers to dating multiple people without any of them becoming primary partners.
• Hierarchical polyamory, which refers to dating multiple people, but in a hierarchical structure in which there might be one or more primary partners who get more time, attention and commitment, as well as secondary and tertiary partners who might not get as much. For example, a couple might consider each other a primary partnership but each have their own secondary and tertiary partners.
• Polyfidelity, which refers to a group of more than two people who are romantically and sexually exclusive among themselves. With a group of three people, for example, this arrangement is sometimes popularly called a "throuple."
• Nonhierarchical polyamory, which refers to dating multiple people, but with no one partner necessarily getting any more or less time, attention and commitment than any other.

Again, this is not a comprehensive list, and other polyamorous relationship arrangements exist. For example, some groups practice what's called kitchen-table polyamory, which aims to create a relationship network that "gets along well enough that they could sit down at the kitchen table together," though not everybody involved may be actively in a relationship with each other. Relationship anarchy is another, more radical model, wherein all relationships, romantic and otherwise, are divested of traditional rules and assumptions. Rather, boundaries and expectations are negotiated on an ongoing basis by the people involved.

No matter who you're attracted to or what kind of relationship structure you wish to pursue with them, honest communication is the best way to ensure everyone is getting their needs met—and is also critical to establishing consent.