When Your Relationship Is Running On Empty, You’re In A Silent Divorce
The phrase "silent divorce" describes a situation in which there isn't any apparent dispute—at least from the outside looking in—but there's not much going on in the relationship.
When a long-term relationship becomes a silent divorce, known as an invisible divorce, the couple no longer functions as before. Rather, they continue the relationship and fulfill the bare minimum of obligations to keep their union together. They often begin to structure their lives so as to spend as little time as possible together. With little emotional or physical closeness, they become more like flatmates and coworkers.
People looking on as friends or social media observers, however, see what for all intents and purposes is a loving couple.
The early signs of silent divorce
Couples who are emotionally numb to each other often start doing more things apart from each other, frequently turning to others for support.
"When you're in the relationship, you may realize there has been a shift in the connection," said Jacklyn Gulotta, L.H.M.C., a mental health counselor based in Maitland, Florida. "You and your partner may both feel disconnected, alone and notice you are spending less time together."
Other signs that there's an invisible divorce might be that each partner goes on vacation by themselves or volunteers for organizations without their partner. The end result is they become increasingly estranged and begin to withdraw into separate worlds.
"There are definitely signs that can be recognized before the silent divorce sets in," said Kristin Davin, Psy.D., a relationship therapist in New York City.
She listed the following signs:
- Resentment that is building
- Living parallel lives
- Lack of sexual intimacy or intimacy in general
- Indifference toward a spouse
- Lack of curiosity toward one another
- Lack of communication to discuss how the relationship is eroding
Emotional distance in silent divorce
There may not be indications of an issue to outsiders as the couple maintains the façade of a happy relationship. However, a view from the inside would indicate relations between partners are in disarray.
For several reasons, the two begin to emotionally distance themselves.
Divorce of any kind is challenging. Both partners have invested a lot of time and energy into the relationship, and frequently, children are involved. Additionally, each partner may have justifications for continuing their union, and often they are not related to the fundamental nature of the relationship. For instance, one partner may be an excellent parent or perhaps they have friends in common.
"There are significant long- and short-term costs to silent divorces, incurred not only by the couple but also their children, regardless of their ages," said Mychal Ostler, L.M.F.T., a marriage and family therapist with Southern Wake Counseling Center in Fuquay Varina, North Carolina. "Children who witness such behavior and the day-to-day dynamics of a silent divorce—often a lack of communication, engagement and affection between the couple—may react with their own attempts to escape these depressing dynamics or the negative energy they create in the household.
"Later in life, when these children become old enough to form their own romantic relationships, the dynamics of their parents' silent divorce can serve as a model for dysfunctional relationship behavior."
Emotionally distant couples avoid communicating about their dreams, worries and ambitions, and they don't talk about their issues. They also quit being concerned about each other's needs.
How to reconnect
One or both partners in a long-term relationship eventually realize an invisible divorce is not the way to live out the rest of their lives. It is certainly possible to save a relationship and become a loving couple again via therapy and open communication.
"A silent divorce often leads to a legal divorce, but this can be prevented if both partners—emphasis on 'both'—commit to working on their marriage and remain diligent about addressing their issues," Ostler said.
"Every person is different, and for some, working on the relationship may not be enough," Gulotta said. "However, this will at least allow you both to make the most of your time rather than avoid staying in a relationship where you or your partner are unhappy."
A healthy relationship should not reach the point where there is nothing more to say to each other. If you or your spouse finds it difficult to spend time together and chat, or if you make excuses, it may be time to contact a relationship counselor. Couples counseling may help you both improve your communication skills.
You may also elect to seek individual counseling to concentrate on recognizing what you require from your relationship.
"Couples should take the time to check in with one another and be proactive about issues," Davis said. "If they find that hard to do, then seeking professional help might be the answer through individual or couples counseling or both."
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