Overcome Your Fear of Dating Again

With summer just around the corner, people are ready to get back on the dating merry-go-round. Or are they?

Surveys conducted by dating apps such as Plenty of Fish have revealed more than 70 percent of singles have noticed "hesidating," or people being unsure about dating again. Logan Ury, director of relationship science at the dating app Hinge, coined another term, "FODA," after noticing that more than 50 percent of singles have a fear of dating again.

"FODA is the fear, or even ambivalence, of getting back out into the dating scene after a long hiatus," explained Erika Kaplan, matchmaker and vice president of membership at Three Day Rule, a matchmaking company with locations across the country.

The feeling when you desperately want to break your dry spell but the thought of a date sends you reeling—that would be FODA.

Why you might have a case of FODA

"After ending a traumatic relationship where there was a toxic dynamic, [people] are often afraid to date when they don't trust themselves," said Lisa Concepcion, dating and relationship expert at LoveQuest Coaching, based in Sarasota, Florida.

You may question if you're even capable of choosing people who won't ghost you or worse. Likewise, you may wonder if you can attract an emotionally available partner who is clear about their intentions, or if your communication skills are still up to par.

"The pandemic had us social distancing and doing anything and everything online," said Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist in Greenwich, Connecticut. "[Patients] feel like their social skills are rusty and they won't have anything to talk about."

Singles may also be afraid to date again because they don't want to feel vulnerable. People may be scared to let someone in and risk rejection after showing someone their entire self, only for it not to work out, Kaplan explained.

5 ways to overcome FODA

Kaplan, Concepcion and Schiff all agreed that the first step is to get to the root of your fears. Knowing what's causing your romance avoidance could help you pick up some of the following techniques and maybe ride into the sunset with your new boo:

1. Practice makes perfect

If you avoid going on dates because you're afraid of long, awkward silences, remember that small talk improves with practice.

"Dating is like a muscle that may be a bit weak and atrophied after years of nonuse," Kaplan said.

She suggested coming up with a goal of one date a week, swiping right on more profiles than left, revamping your dating profiles and vowing to spend one hour a day on an app of your choosing.

2. Just relax

Chronic overthinkers may benefit from relaxation techniques, such as a mantra or mindset shift. For example: "You're probably not going to marry this one." This helps to take some of the pressure off finding someone who's perfect for you on your first date. The experts agreed that it's important to have fun, even if you want to date more seriously.

"If you can focus on enjoying your date rather than securing a life partner and finding 'the one,' it makes it a little less serious and more fun," Schiff advised. "With this mindset, dating will be less disappointing and intimidating."

Calming mantras, positive affirmations such as, "I'm worthy and attractive," and deep-breathing techniques can make you feel in control and confident and help you avoid canceling at the last minute, Schiff said.

3. Get clear on what you want

Not knowing what you want could make you feel like you shouldn't be dating at all, but sometimes the only way to find out is through trial and error.

Concepcion suggested asking yourself, "Am I dating for fun, to connect romantically again or am I dating for a long-term partnership or marriage?"

"Once you know what you want for your own life, you can be open and honest from the start and improve your chances of attracting someone who wants what you want," she explained.

It could be discouraging if you're looking for something serious and 90 percent of the people you swipe right on just want to hook up, but with the millions of people on dating apps, there are bound to be some that match your intentions. The two crucial keys are patience and knowing what you want.

4. Don't avoid being vulnerable on dates

You may have FODA because of the powerlessness dating can create, for instance, taking a chance that may lead to rejection or wasted time, or sharing information you'd usually keep private.

However, experts said the best way to find a real connection is to give in to that vulnerability.

Kaplan explained that burying your true feelings on dates makes it difficult for potential partners to get to know the real you, which could prevent a legitimate connection. She uses the "silver lining approach" with her clients, which is to share one thing you're struggling with or one difficult experience you had and add the silver lining or positive takeaway.

This works even in non-romantic contexts. By sharing something embarrassing or personal, the other person may feel more comfortable being themselves, and you can begin to see their true colors.

5. Take baby steps

If you're experiencing FODA because of past traumas, it might be a good idea to take time before dating again. Give yourself space to heal before you reenter the dating world.

"Look inward and assess if you have the energy to swipe on apps, meet new people, chat and have small talk," Schiff explained.

If you feel like you have the capacity to date, she recommended taking baby steps, such as a coffee date or meeting in a group setting.

Take it slow and you may begin to overcome your fears and be open to new romantic experiences.