fbpx What 'Trying' to Conceive Really Looks Like
Open-hands-holding-ultrasound-picture
Open-hands-holding-ultrasound-picture

What 'Trying' to Conceive Really Looks Like

There's more to getting pregnant than just sex.
Britany Robinson
Written by

Britany Robinson

If you've ever heard someone say they're "trying" to get pregnant, and you haven't been part of a similar effort yourself, it would make sense if you thought first about sex. Sex in the morning, sex at night, sex as often as possible, because sex is what makes babies—right?

Yes, having sex is a big part of it. (Unless, of course, you're using donor sperm or receiving IVF treatments.) But even in the most traditional sense, trying to get pregnant is usually a lot more complicated than just a great deal of sex.

While many of us were told in high school health class that unprotected sex would inevitably lead to pregnancy, it often takes many months of trying and a lot more intention than just simply having sex.

When you're trying to have a baby (or trying to conceive, often shortened to TTC), you're probably doing a lot more than just having sex, including tracking your menstrual cycle and trying to pinpoint ovulation; making adjustments to your lifestyle, such as eating healthier and reducing alcohol consumption; maybe trying acupuncture or supplements to increase fertility; finding time for sex, which can often feel a lot less sexy in its scheduling and the associated pressure; and counting down the days until you can take a pregnancy test, before celebrating or starting the process all over again.

Trying to get pregnant often also involves a lot of learning—about your body, your cycle and your overall fertility health. And so many of us don't learn about this stuff until we're actively trying to get pregnant. I, for one, think that should change.

Of course, plenty of people get pregnant without trying at all—or it happens right away. But for many of us (it took my partner and me eight months of concerted ovulation tracking, acupuncture, hormone testing, etc.), "trying" looks nothing like we thought it would.

Finding the right time

We're all familiar with the standard at-home pregnancy test. You pee on a stick and then wait for one line or two, a plus or a minus. It's a piece of plastic that serves as a plot device in many movies and television shows, and the star of many pregnancy announcement photos.

But did you know there's another stick you pee on before you're pregnant?

Ovulation tracking is the process of identifying the two best days to have sex if you're trying to get pregnant. These are the day before and the day of ovulation, which is when one ovary releases an egg that travels down a fallopian tube and, if sex has occurred in the last few days, hopefully meets sperm along the way.

If your cycle is 28 days, then ovulation is likely to occur around day 14. But cycle lengths and ovulation timing can vary widely, from person to person and from month to month. If you've never paid much attention to the timing of your period or the length of your cycle, it can take some time and practice to understand what is happening and when. But there are tools and methods to help you track your ovulation.

(This is just one reason why it's a good idea to track and understand your menstrual cycle—even if you're not trying to conceive.)

One helpful tool is ovulation tracking strips, which measure luteinizing hormone (LH) in urine. LH surges a day or two before ovulation, stimulating the ovaries to release an egg. Most LH strips are thin sticks of cardboard that you can pee on directly or dip in urine. A line then appears next to the control line to measure LH, and the darkness of the line indicates whether or not a surge is happening. Some ovulation tracking kits have an app that allows you to photograph the strip, then automatically generates a reading to tell you whether or not you're experiencing a surge.

"Most people really don't know when they ovulate and when is the right time to have intercourse," said Elizabeth King, a fertility coach in Irvine, California, who helps couples along the emotional and mental journey of TTC. "I tell them to try all methods [of ovulation tracking] at first—really dive in so you can get the pulse for what's happening in your body."

"I used to always get a pain in my abdomen and I thought that's when I was ovulating," said (now) mother Jacqui Court. "I would think, Oh, I'm having that pain. I must be ovulating. But then I was tracking through a clinic and it turned out I was usually wrong."

Court was participating in cycle monitoring through a fertility clinic—a method of tracking used by some couples who are struggling to conceive. The other two methods for ovulation tracking at home include tracking your basal body temperature and cervical mucus.

Basal body temperature (BBT) charting is the process of taking your at-rest temperature each morning, before you get out of bed, and writing it down so you can catch the slight dip that occurs just before ovulation. Twenty-four hours after ovulation, your temperature increases slightly and stays elevated for several days. Tracking your temperature month after month will give you a good idea of when you can expect to ovulate.

Your cervical mucus can also indicate ovulation. Cervical mucus forms on your cervix and exits the vagina as discharge; it changes color and texture throughout your menstrual cycle. Familiarizing yourself with the look and texture of your cervical mucus each day can help you recognize the changes that occur before and during ovulation. By either wiping the opening of the vagina with toilet paper or inserting a finger into the vagina, you can assess the texture and color. At the time of ovulation, cervical mucus is stickier, and you can test this by rubbing and pulling it between a finger and thumb. It also tends to look like raw egg whites during ovulation—clear and slippery, rather than cloudy and white. This tracking method requires lots of practice and persistence, but it's a great way to understand an important physical change associated with ovulation.

King has clients use all three methods: tracking strips, BBT and cervical mucus. "Once they get into that groove of being able to recognize signs in their own body, eventually they know when it's happening."

Even when you get the timing just right, there's a good chance you won't get pregnant on the first try. Or the second, or third. A lot has to go right—things you really have no control over—in order for sperm to meet an egg, then implant in the uterus, where it hopefully develops into an embryo. Conception only happens in the first cycle of trying to conceive for about 30 percent of couples.

Keeping the sex sexy

Now that you know about cervical mucus and temperature tracking, it might be less surprising to hear that sex while trying to conceive isn't always sexy. Couples often struggle with maintaining a fun and natural-feeling sex life when the timing is so regimented.

"The process becomes very procedural," Court said. "I think that catches a lot of people off-guard." Court and her partner tried to get pregnant for several years and suffered multiple miscarriages before eventually giving birth to their daughter, who is now 10.

The pressure of timing sex for ovulation is why many couples choose to forgo tracking, at least at first. Some doctors will advise you to simply have consistent sex—every two to three days. A woman's fertile window is six days long, including the days leading up to and the day of ovulation. So if you're consistently having sex, you're likely to have sex in that window. You just might not catch the most fertile days: the day before and the day of ovulation.

But once you do understand the complexity of the timing, it's hard to not think about it. King said most couples she works with struggle with keeping the sex sexy. But she has lots of great advice for enjoying sex while trying to conceive.

"Buy something you feel good in," she said. "That's not lingerie for everybody—it could be cozy pajamas that make you feel good."

Communication with your partner will be key in maintaining a healthy sex life while trying to conceive. "Make sure they know this isn't just a chore—you still love and care about them, more than just getting through this situation."

Whether you've been trying for two months or two years, King recommends picking a weekly date night—one that involves no discussion of making babies or whatever fertility struggles are going on. "And keep finding time to have intercourse when you're not ovulating."

The two-week wait

The longest 14 days I've ever known were the two weeks, each month, between ovulation and the day I was able to take a pregnancy test. Ovulation tracking, while stressful, can be exciting—you're looking for and then finding the best day to have sex. And then you might get to make a baby! But then you just…wait.

It takes two weeks for a fertilized egg to implant in the uterus, after which your body starts producing hcG, or what's commonly referred to as "the pregnancy hormone." This is the hormone pregnancy tests are looking for. And for 10 to 14 days after ovulation, you will wait to find out if hCG is being produced or not.

At the end of those two weeks, you'll either be pregnant or your period will arrive. Some people choose to test as soon as possible, before a missed period. But taking a test too early can result in a false negative. Which is why others choose to wait until the day of or after their missed period, ensuring the most accurate testing results.

The two-week wait can involve a lot of stress and anxiety. Every month during this time, I became hyper-aware of any changes in my body and mood, and desperately wanted to associate those changes with pregnancy. Unfortunately, a lot of the symptoms associated with early pregnancy are also the symptoms you might experience just before getting your period—not very helpful.

Breast tenderness and heightened emotions can both be a result of early pregnancy or nearing menstruation. You might also experience spotting during this time, which might be implantation bleeding, caused by the fertilized egg attaching to the lining of your uterus, or it might be the spotting you experience just before your period arrives in full swing.

The process of trying to conceive is exciting and stressful. There's sex and waiting and tracking and waiting—but, hopefully, it's all worth it when you get that positive pregnancy test.