The Controversial and Confusing Crime of Date Rape

Verma is not alone in letting her sexual assault go unreported. It is estimated that 75 percent to 90 percent of rape and sexual assault victims in the United States never report their attackers.

The common reasons for a victim's silence include the fear of retaliation, the belief that it's a personal matter, and a concern that the police won't do anything to help, according to data collected by the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN).

Date rape, in particular, stands out as the most common type of sexual assault and the most confusing for the victim. A controversial and ambiguous crime, date rape is also sometimes called "relationship rape" or "acquaintance rape." These terms refer to a sexual assault where the perpetrator and victim already have some form of social relationship. Date rape is unique from other types of sexual assault because it often doesn't involve physical injury or threats. Instead, this type of assault involves the surreptitious use of intoxicating and sometimes illegal substances—often referred to as "date rape drugs."

Date rape drugs can effectively be any substance that overpowers a victim's defenses and makes sexual assault easier. Commonly cited examples are flunitrazepam (Rohypnol or "roofies"), gamma-hydroxybutyric acid (GHB) and ketamine, but alcohol is by and large the No. 1 culprit.

"In my experience, of those who do come into the emergency department who describe [sexual assaults], alcohol is just about always involved," said Shannon, a board-certified ER nurse based in Washington, D.C., who refrained from using her last name to remain private and anonymous. "There is the corny saying that alcohol is the most common date rape drug, but there is an element of truth to this; for both attackers and victims, alcohol is involved more often than not."

After alcohol, Shannon named benzodiazepines, including roofies, Xanax and Klonopin, as common agents used to facilitate date rape.

"Benzodiazepines work to depress the central nervous system, slowing down the messaging in the body," Shannon said.

"Quantifying how common incidents of involuntarily drugging are in sexual assault cases can be tricky," Shannon said. "By far and away, the vast majority of women and women-identifying people who are assaulted in any setting do not seek medical care or report to law enforcement. In my time as an ER nurse, I have definitely seen patients who had reported being given drugs they did not consent to. Many people in this situation are not so forthcoming on the circumstances that bring them to the ER, either because they are too incapacitated or they don't want to get anyone in trouble—including themselves."

But Shannon, who has been the victim of involuntary drugging at a bar, urges everyone to seek help, even if they are not 100 percent certain they've been drugged or are in danger.

"If you sense something is wrong, it is much better to be potentially seen as a boring, embarrassing friend or a prude or whatever than it is to find out later that your instincts were correct and you or your friend has been harmed," Shannon explained. "Also, speaking as a former cocktail waitress and bartender, if you can do so in a safe manner, please tell bar staff if someone is bothering you.

"There are people out there who will inflict harm without a second thought, and until we live in a world where the burden of violence against women-identifying people no longer falls on us, we have to look out for ourselves and each other," she added.

"No one deserves to be harmed in this way, no matter what, end of story," Shannon said.

The presence of intoxicating substances can cloud a victim's perception of an assault, according to Marian Thompson, L.C.S.W., S.E.P., an Austin, Texas-based counselor who specializes in working with survivors of sexual abuse and assault.

"If the survivor knowingly ingested intoxicating substances, this adds to the feeling of shame, like maybe it was somehow their fault," she said. "Date rape drugs can cause a gap in their memory, making them have to cope with wondering what happened to them, and can contribute to the feeling of helplessness, especially if they can't provide information to help prosecute the perpetrator."

Thompson said that because date rape is often carried out by a person the victim knows and trusts, they may feel like they should have known better.

"This can affect [a victim's] ability to trust and create new relationships in the future," Thompson said.

That definitely was the case for Verma, who believes her traumatic experience paved the way for future traumatic experiences.

"I lacked respect for my body, so it was easy for me to give it up really easily," Verma said. "I felt by me giving my body to somebody that I'd be accepted by people, because I felt I had nothing else to offer."

It took 10 long and sometimes painful years, but Verma slowly but surely began turning things around in her life. With the goal of healing, she wrote about her experiences in a memoir and started a podcast where she speaks with fellow survivors of trauma and abuse. Today, she offers trauma therapy and post-traumatic growth coaching and works as a speaker on topics such as abuse and women empowerment.

Writing and speaking about her experience, and working with others who've experienced similar trauma, has helped her transformation.

"All my life I've felt like I've lived a life of suppression where I'm not really communicating the things that happen to me, but that's just made it worse," Verma explained. "When you hold everything in, you're just damaging yourself even more."

Thompson agreed, saying, "Keep in mind that shame lives in secrecy, so tell someone—a trusted friend or family member, someone who will support you.

"There's probably going to be a lot of rage and possibly flight-or-fight energy bound up inside of you after an assault, and it may be helpful to get a therapist who specializes in trauma to help you release that," she added.

In addition to talking about your traumatic experience, Thompson stressed the importance of mindfulness practice through breathing exercises and meditation.

"When you're ready, start to connect to your body again through yoga, going for walks or exercise," she advised. "You have to have compassion for yourself. Healing takes time, so give yourself some grace and acknowledge how hard this is."