After leaving a two-decades-long marriage, Amy Nobile found herself flung back into the New York City dating scene in her late 40s.
"It was terrifying," recalled Nobile, a former public relations professional and co-author of four books, including the relevantly titled, "Just When You're Comfortable in Your Own Skin, It Starts to Sag: Rewriting the Rules to Midlife."
"It's funny. When you first become single, everyone says they're going to set you up," she said.
"They don't."
Having heard her fair share of horror stories about online dating from her single girlfriends, Nobile wasn't eager to dive into the world of swiping and unsolicited dick pics. But after a frustratingly long window without romance, dates or even leads, she admitted it was time to reevaluate her stance.
"These apps have to be a gift," Nobile reasoned. "They're where people are. We're not meeting someone in aisle 6 anymore."
So Nobile decided to approach app dating with the same dedication and diligence she would a full-time job. After registering with all the major players—Tinder, Bumble and Hinge—Nobile began raking in multiple dates a week (and sometimes even per day).
"I made every mistake you can make," she recalled. "But I had a ball. I met so many people."
Four years ago, she met her fiancé, who she calls "the love of her life." Gobsmacked by her success, Nobile's friends began requesting advice on sprucing up their profiles and honing their repartee when dating over 40.
"Without even realizing it, my next professional chapter was born," she said.
Today, Nobile runs her own dating coach service, Love, Amy. She estimated that around half her clients are 40 or older, many of whom are new to the online dating world and skeptical of its efficacy.
"Many have had a relationship for a long time and they want to learn how to navigate online dating and do things a little differently," she explained.
Finding romance through dating apps can be an exhausting, precarious endeavor at any age, but it can be especially tricky for anyone reentering the dating market later in life, explained Meredith Golden, a former New York City psychotherapist and the founder of the dating coaching service SpoonMeetSpoon.
"A twentysomething can swipe all day, but as age increases, the dating pool shrinks," she said. "Dating isn't necessarily harder post-40. It's just that there's less opportunity."
Dating over 40 is tough, and using a dating app can be even harder for some middle-aged people.
"Millenials are comfortable with the technology part of it," Nobile said. "For people who are 40-plus, I think the technology itself is a bit intimidating. How does the app work? What are the rules of engagement here? You know how you banter on an app, how do you flirt on an app? It feels very foreign."
But using apps doesn't have to be all trials and tribulations. Some aspects of dating actually get easier with age.
"As we grow older, the silver lining is that we know ourselves a little better, especially for people who have done a little bit of personal growth work and maybe gone to therapy and reflected on some of their past relationships," Nobile said. "I always like to say, 'You can only meet someone as deeply as you've met yourself.'"
Mystified by SuperSwipes, Bumble Boosts and Hinge's roses? Our two dating coaches shared some practical tips for crushing the dating app game at any age:
"One of the toughest things for us to know is how we are coming across on a dating profile," Nobile said. "How do we even choose what to talk about with so few words?"
To narrow down the most compelling selling points for yourself, Nobile recommended interviewing a few friends about your cuter quirks and unique qualities.
"For example, I have a client who would travel with a blender because she was obsessed with smoothies," Nobile recalled. "As soon as I heard that, I thought, 'Oh, my gosh, that has to go in your profile.'"
Nobile emphasized the importance of being direct about your goals in online dating.
"People want validation, so to get a higher response rate, they keep [their profiles] very surface level and general," she explained. "But remember, we don't necessarily want everyone to like us; that would be a lot of sorting. Be specific: If you're ready to press your next press launch on your next chapter and find a partner, then say it."
Like it or not, your photos can make or break your profile.
"The pic gets the match," Golden advised. "If the photo doesn't sell [you], the process doesn't advance."
She said clients are often determined to choose photos that showcase their hobbies, but she warned that this isn't always the most flattering approach.
"A picture of someone squatting and lifting a heavy weight doesn't typically capture someone looking their most attractive," she explained. "The same goes for a bike picture. Does anyone look good in a helmet? Save the hobbies for the description."
"I really think that people overthink the first message," Nobile said. "They're always trying to come up with some clever opener."
Both experts emphasized that your opener doesn't need to be a highly polished, witty remark.
"Make it easy for the other person," Golden said. "Say hi and ask one question based on what's available in their pics or bio. For example: 'Hey, Bob, happy Monday! Cute dog, yours?' Or 'Hey, Ali, nice to meet you. Where's the surfing pic from?'"
"Don't write a novel, even if they do," she added. "Short and sweet is better."
Golden urged clients not to dwell on an unresponsive match.
"I've been giving the following advice to my kids since their preschool days and I find it's very applicable to dating as well," she said. "If someone doesn't want to play with you at recess, play with someone else. The same goes for dating. You can have fun with more than one friend and connect with more than one person, but it takes two people to engage and keep a connection moving forward."
"In the beginning stages, they barely know you. Try not to take it personally. Keep moving forward," Golden recommended. "Focus your energy on someone who's interested in you."
Women over 40 should feel hopeful and excited about their dating pool expanding beyond the grocery store or bars. While swiping may take some time, ultimately, it can lead to romance. And that's what it's all about.
